Self-esteem and self-love 

Combating low self-esteem. Low self-esteem: how to deal with it? Focus on your strengths

It may well be low self-esteem. Let's look at the statistics. It turns out that 80% of the population on the planet is not satisfied with their professional status or position in society. How does this manifest itself? Yes, a lot of things! For example, the inability to get a good job or the need to engage in an unloved and boring activity, some people constantly face problems in the family, others suffer from loneliness or unfulfilled abilities. It is difficult for a person who lacks self-confidence to find a common language with others, and he is also, as a rule, susceptible to various kinds of phobias.

In this article I would like to reveal the essence of this problem, point out the origins of its origin, and also give some tips on how to become more confident, decisive, and therefore happier.

Low self-esteem. Definition of the concept

All of us, and I believe there can be no exceptions here, have a so-called image of our own “I”, which can precisely be considered the center of personality. What does it consist of? I would say that, first of all, from an ideal idea of ​​oneself, and this self-awareness, as a rule, is very carefully protected from any kind of criticism.

In our souls, each of us is confident in our perfection, significance and uniqueness. Why? Yes, because a person simply could not live if he were absolutely sure of his worthlessness and uselessness. That is, initially nature laid in each of us a certain amount of talent and confidence in overcoming difficulties. But the fact is that every day there are a lot of circumstances that, one way or another, undermine our faith in our own abilities, and it is precisely as a result of this that such negative sensations develop as a feeling of insecurity, guilt, fear and complete dissatisfaction with ourselves as a result. Low self-esteem, aggressiveness, irritability and weakness occur.

What does an ordinary person do in this case? Don't know? I'll give you a hint. He begins to shift the blame onto those around him, and he withdraws deeper and deeper into himself, thereby only aggravating the situation.

Types of self-esteem

In general, psychologists believe that there are three types of self-evaluation:

  • low self-esteem;
  • adequate;
  • increased.

Without any doubt, the best self-esteem should be considered the naturalness and adequacy of behavior. Let's see how people with different self-esteem will behave. For example, let's take a mother with a small child.

Children are children. The active baby ran around the yard, fell several times, got his knees and palms dirty, and his shoes, of course, are not particularly clean. A mother with low self-esteem will be ashamed of her child and will try to go home as quickly as possible so that none of the neighbors notice her child’s “exploits.”

A mother with adequate self-esteem is always ready for this kind of adventure, so there are wet wipes or a handkerchief in her pocket. The baby won’t even notice how he will turn into a neat guy again.

Well, the parent will try to turn sloppiness into a kind of feat, noting in front of other mothers that her child is the most gifted (fast, brave, courageous), and dirty clothes are just another confirmation that she is right.

Low self-esteem: how to deal with it

I wanted to warn you right away that you shouldn’t count on quick, let alone immediate, results. This process can take quite a long time. Why? It seems to me because a person has to change his way of thinking and his own perception of himself, and this cannot happen overnight.

So, low self-esteem is a problem that anyone can cope with if they wish; to do this, you just need to try to adhere to the following tips:

  • Never compare yourself to other people. You are you! Remember once and for all. Yes, perhaps you are missing something important from what your friends have, but, believe me, in some ways they envy you.
  • Don't beat yourself up and avoid self-deprecating comments at all costs.
  • You need to thank for compliments, and not try to refute them.
  • Surround yourself with positive people.
  • Think and make a list of personal achievements and positive ones. You are guaranteed to have them!
  • Give more than you receive.
  • Do only what you like.
  • Live your own life.

To achieve success in all areas of life, a person needs sufficient confidence in himself and his capabilities. Low self-esteem is a barrier that prevents you from becoming happy, because a person is filled with doubts and is not able to fully enjoy life and feel happy. Think about it - while you are not confident in your abilities, the best moments pass you by and, of course, someone else will take advantage of them. Let's think about how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence. Psychologists have developed special techniques and ways to increase self-esteem.

What is self-esteem

Reasons for low self-esteem

It is difficult even for a specialist to determine all the criteria that influence the formation of self-perception. Psychologists distinguish congenital factors, external factors and position. There are four most common causes of low self-esteem.

1. Features of upbringing in the family.

The statement “all problems come from childhood” is the most common reason for low self-perception. In childhood, there is a direct dependence of the child’s self-esteem on the principles of upbringing and the attitude of the parents towards the child.

2. Failures in childhood.

If a child constantly experiences feelings of guilt in childhood, in the future this will turn into self-doubt and reluctance to make decisions on their own.

This is important! It is important to tell your child how to increase self-esteem and self-confidence and teach him how to react correctly to failures, so that the child does not give up, but moves on.

3. Inappropriate environment.

It is possible to form an adequate assessment only in an environment where success and achievements are sincerely valued. If a person finds himself in a passive environment where there is no initiative, he becomes the same. Low self-esteem and self-doubt characterize people in such a society.

4. Appearance and condition.

To a greater extent, low self-esteem is formed in children and adolescents with non-standard appearance and congenital pathologies. As a rule, the people around you are quite tough and straightforward in their judgments. First of all, overweight children need help. They need to be told how to love themselves and increase their self-esteem. A woman's self-esteem depends more strongly on her appearance.

Effective methods to increase self-esteem

The first step to building self-confidence is recognizing the problem. Here are some of the most effective techniques that will tell you how to increase self-esteem and...

1. Change of environment.

Refuse to communicate with people who are negative and constantly dissatisfied with something. Strive for successful individuals who are confident and have a positive attitude. Communication with such people will gradually restore a person’s confidence and self-esteem.

2. No self-flagellation.

If you constantly beat yourself up for mistakes and failures, you are unlikely to improve your self-perception. Do not use negative assessments regarding your own life, appearance,

3. Avoid comparisons.

Understand that you are the only person and there is no other person like you in the world. See yourself as a unique and unrepeatable person, even with flaws.

This is important! The only acceptable comparison is with a person who is more successful, based on his achievements.

4. Affirmations to increase self-perception.

Affirmations are short motivating formulas aimed at building self-confidence. It is better to repeat them in the morning and before bed. You can create a playlist with such affirmations.

5. Do unusual things.

It is much easier to hide from a problem with a glass of wine, desserts or tears. Try to face the challenge and see who wins.

6. Attend a training session on how to boost your confidence.

If it is not possible to attend the training, use specialized psychological literature or documentaries and feature films.

7. Play sports.

This is the best way to increase self-esteem. Regular training allows you to evaluate your appearance less critically. In addition, during physical activity, hormones of happiness and good mood are produced.

8. Keep a diary of achievements.

Record personal successes and achievements in your diary. Be sure to record every success, no matter how small from your point of view. Set a goal to write down 3-5 small accomplishments. Low self-esteem in men is especially dependent on low self-realization

  • Use a written forgiveness technique. In one note, describe your own failures and mistakes, and in the second, console yourself and try to forgive yourself.
  • Use meditation. Don't underestimate the technique of meditation. With its help you can relax and absorb positive energy. Many meditation techniques are described in the specialized literature.

But the factors influencing self-esteem among representatives of the stronger and weaker sex are different. The ways of dealing with inadequate self-esteem in men and women also differ.

How to increase a woman's self-esteem

For a woman’s self-perception, the most important thing is her attractiveness and attention from men. Also an important criterion is the attitude of other people in general.

How to increase a man's self-esteem

Success in society and are the main factors in men's self-esteem. The main recommendations are as follows:

  • start valuing yourself and your time;
  • accept your shortcomings and turn them into advantages;
  • diversified development
  • Always act and don’t give up when faced with difficulties.

An objective assessment of your personality is not fantasy, but reality. The main thing is to understand the importance of such changes and sincerely want it in order to achieve a positive career and love yourself. Remember, self-love must be earned, and this will require going through a stage of dissatisfaction.

A psychologist will tell you how to build confidence in your own abilities.

The concept " self-esteem“Everyone knows this word is on everyone’s lips. And I often hear the phrase “low self-esteem” from my clients, girls and young people who turn to me for psychological help. Let's try to figure out what kind of diagnosis this “low self-esteem” is, why it is dangerous and is it possible to somehow correct self-esteem?

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a person’s idea of ​​himself, his personal qualities and characteristics, this is how a person evaluates himself, his capabilities and abilities. Analyzing yourself, your actions, your personal characteristics is normal for every person. Moreover, this is simply necessary in order to integrate into society, take a certain place in it, and build relationships with people. Self-assessment is one of the necessary conditions to ensure harmonious development of personality, directly affecting a person’s life. And how the people around him and society as a whole will perceive him depends on whether a person is able to objectively evaluate himself.

How is self-esteem formed?


The formation of self-esteem begins in childhood. During preschool age, parents influence this process to a greater extent. Low self-esteem can develop in a child if his parents make excessive demands on him, constantly express dissatisfaction with his behavior or actions, often criticize him and provide practically no support, do not accept him. Various diseases and defects in appearance also affect the appearance of low self-esteem, as the child faces constant mockery and ridicule from the children around him.

Starting from primary school age, the figure of the teacher and how he evaluates his school success also becomes significant for the child. If a teacher speaks negatively about a child, gives him low grades, often scolds, shames or even humiliates him in front of the whole class, then the child’s self-esteem is underestimated.

In adolescence, the formation of self-esteem continues, and here the determining factor for a teenager is the opinion of his peers about him, and what place he occupies in a group of friends or the school team as a whole. Bullying by classmates, insults and ridicule about one’s appearance or level of mental abilities, or failure to be accepted into the reference (significant) group greatly reduces a teenager’s self-esteem, deprives him of confidence, and forms a negative image of himself and his appearance.

Thus, the formation of self-esteem is a long process, which initially depends on what assessment society gives to a person, namely, significant people. Constant encounters with disapproval and humiliation, and lack of acceptance from others contribute to the formation of low self-esteem in a person.

Psychological characteristics of a person with low self-esteem


So what distinguishes a person with low self-esteem? What difficulties does he face in life? What features characterize his behavior and actions?

A person with low self-esteem is characterized by self-doubt, isolation and indecisiveness. He is focused on his shortcomings, is well aware of his negative characteristics, while he knows practically nothing about his positive qualities and merits. He constantly complains about life and feels helpless. On the one hand, he feels it is impossible to change himself and his life for the better, and on the other, he is terribly afraid of any changes. A person with low self-esteem reacts inadequately to any criticism and feels humiliated or ashamed.

How a person treats himself, how he evaluates himself, largely determines how other people will treat him. A person feels that he is not good enough, and then, when he gets into a relationship, he is content with little, believes that he does not deserve something more, feels strongly dependent on his partner, and is not capable of building equal, harmonious relationships with other people. He is also inclined to justify other people, forgive them mistakes, while being critical of his own failures and fixated on his shortcomings. A person with low self-esteem is prone to self-blame. He constantly criticizes himself, focuses on his defeats, blames himself for the mistakes of the past, cannot forgive himself (I wrote about feelings of guilt in the article« » ) .

People with low self-esteem are often lonely, feel alienated from society, and lack of self-confidence prevents them from building interpersonal relationships and making new acquaintances.

Correction of low self-esteem

Is it possible to independently increase your self-esteem and make it optimal? Yes, I think it is possible. The main thing is to realize how low self-esteem affects your life, how it limits you and interferes with normal, healthy functioning. Awareness of the reasons that influenced the decline in your self-esteem is also important. But it’s even more important to try to rebuild your usual way of life, which has developed under the influence of a negative image of yourself. After all, the life of a person with adequate self-esteem is very different from your existing patterns (habitual ways) of behavior.

6 main stages of correcting low self-esteem

Comparison away

Try to compare yourself with other people as little as possible, or better yet, don’t compare at all. All people are different, each has their own life, their own goals and values. It is impossible to be the first in everything! It is important to learn to appreciate what you have today and not to devalue your achievements. Compare yourself only with yourself yesterday, note your development and changes in life, notice the moments in which you have “grown up”. And, most importantly, learn to take credit for your achievements and victories, even if they are insignificant. Don't forget to encourage yourself, praise for the slightest successes!

Get rid of negative thoughts

Try to think positively about everything, think about the positive outcome of events, stop constantly expecting failure. To do this, you can use self-hypnosis formulas - short phrases that will help you feel more confident (for example, “I can do it!”, “I can handle it!”, etc.)

Understand what you are aiming for


Think about what kind of person you would like to be, what qualities you would like to have. Are there people around you whom you would like to be like? What exactly do you like about them, what are their features, strengths? Think about what specific steps you can take to get closer to your desired goal? Are there any obstacles in your way, how can you overcome them? Talk to the person you aspire to be like: ask him how he managed to achieve the result that he has (or read his interview, if it is some celebrity, movie star or popular musician. Stars willingly share recipes with fans your success).

Focus on your strengths

It is good to know your shortcomings, but it is equally important to understand, accept and show your strengths and positive qualities. Find them within yourself or by seeking help from friends, parents or a psychologist. An outside perspective will help you discover something new and valuable in yourself. Don't be shy to ask your friends what they appreciate about you.

Love yourself

Take care of yourself, spare no time only for yourself, allow yourself to spend money on yourself, buy new clothes, take care of your appearance. Accept your image in the mirror and love it. Listen to your desires, understand what you want (I wrote about this in the article« » ) Find something you like that will inspire you and bring you pleasure and positive emotions.

Contact us for support

Share your experiencesWithparents or friends, listen to their opinion, accept praise, do not devalue it. Learn to treat criticism as an opportunity to improve or change something in yourself, as advice or recommendations. If you don't have someone in your life who can listen to you or who you can open up to, start keeping a journal. Write down in it the events happening in your life and the feelings associated with them. This technique will help you reduce tension, realize and verbalize your experiences, understand the situation and get to know yourself better.

And remember, self-esteem is a variable. This means you can change it. And only you can decide in which direction.

Any age can be an arena for the "" scenario, but its roots are always hidden in childhood. Often this problem interferes with living fully and, most importantly, expressing yourself. A person is accompanied by extreme shyness, self-doubt, timidity in decisions and actions, envy against the backdrop of intense selfishness, and fear of being ridiculous.

It is quite possible that low self-esteem will never allow a person to achieve any success and take a worthy position in life.

Causes of low self-esteem

If we talk about the reasons for low self-esteem, they are rooted in childhood, when the child is unable to make an independent assessment of his own actions, but forms an opinion about himself based on the judgments expressed within his immediate environment. Most often we are talking about the reaction to the child’s actions on the part of his parents, about the lack of love for him, affection, about excessively high demands, accompanied by incessant criticism. As a result, criticism becomes the norm of his life, and self-esteem falls.

The next reason for the formation of an understated personality can be considered a method of education that involves setting a role model. For example, a child is told: “Look how successful your grandfather is, do like him.” At the subconscious level, an image of an ideal model of behavior is generated, but attempts to bring it to life encounter obstacles from reality, resulting in a lack of correspondence between reality and the model, and from there - internal conflict.

Illness in childhood, or certain flaws in appearance, in turn, can cause a decrease in self-esteem. Mocking peers over shortcomings will certainly cause the progression of low self-esteem. The execution of tasks, whether successful or not, often becomes the reason for someone’s criticism throughout life, and if such criticism is taken to heart, this will also be reflected in the level of one’s own assessment.
It also happens that people, due to lack of experience, set themselves the fulfillment of unrealistic goals in too short periods of time. If they are not naturally achieved, such people experience problems of deteriorating self-esteem. There is a loss of faith in oneself and in one’s own strengths, the struggle for the dream stops.

Signs of low self-esteem

A characteristic feature that determines the individual level of self-esteem is the assessment of personality by others. After all, the way a person treats himself is largely reflected in the attitude of the surrounding society towards him. A person who does not love himself will most likely not win the love of others. Self-deprecation is a direct path to low evaluation in the eyes of others.
The natural desire of an individual with signs of low self-esteem will be to search for and select appropriate partners. Behavior like this is quite natural for people who are indecisive and unsure of themselves. Constant complaints about life and its disorder, about circumstances and the fate of helplessness are the lot of people with low self-esteem.
The inability and unwillingness to manage their own lives leads such people to irrepressible self-pity. They allow others to hurt them, criticize them, even make them angry, and all this because of the dependence of their own character, because of the desire for external attention at any cost. Particular joy is caused by the possibility of getting sick, as a result of which close people show increased attention to them and a willingness to serve.
People with low self-esteem have a pronounced tendency to blame anyone but themselves for all the problems that befall them, placing responsibility on circumstances, on chance, on others. Because they feel like an inferior person, they have a desire to humiliate and insult others. Often, they see the traits that they don’t like in themselves in those around them, accusing them of non-existent sins and condemning them for non-existent actions and shortcomings.

Problems of low self-esteem manifest themselves not only in actions and assessments, but. If a person who adequately evaluates himself and his own actions looks liberated and relaxed, then the one who suffers from his own underestimation will stand out from the crowd with drooping shoulders, a drooping head, sadness in his facial expressions, and constrained movements. The manner of dressing will also say a lot, because the way a person looks after himself speaks volumes about his self-esteem.

If you pay attention to the reaction to critical statements directed at people with low levels of self-esteem, then they instantly take every remark and remark personally. If such a person has made a mistake and there is an analysis of why it could have happened, there is no constructivism on his part, and the opponent’s attempt to get to the bottom of the mistake is perceived by him as a deep personal insult.
Due to self-esteem problems, people are unable to disassociate themselves from the problem; they tend to link dissonant situations with their own personality. Often boastfulness and familiarity, excessively loud self-expression (laughter, conversation) accompany communication with such people who try to put on various masks, but not be themselves. Masks are used to hide from people their own inadequacy and self-doubt, which is an attempt to compensate for the absence or lack of internal dignity.

Often individuals suffering from low self-esteem do not have close friends. Dependent on self-dislike, they turn into loners who fall out of society, often turning into individuals who are overly aggressive and picky, persistent and at the same time critical. All this is not at all conducive to the formation of friendly relations.
The dominant fear of making mistakes, the tendency to incessant doubts and hesitations leads to the fact that the individual stops any activity or postpones it indefinitely. A person avoids making decisions due to the inability to make choices. So, suppose in a family, this state of affairs can lead to divorce. Marriages often break up where one of the partners has a strong desire for constant dominance and control over the actions of the spouse.

How to get rid of low self-esteem

A low or exaggerated assessment of oneself is the front and obverse of the medal of rejection of one’s own personality. With even the slightest failure, an immediate transformation of high self-esteem into low self-esteem occurs. Or vice versa, even if a small success transforms low self-esteem into high self-esteem. In both cases, self-esteem does not correspond at all to the actual state of affairs. Hence the conclusion - both self-esteem can coexist in one person.

To understand how it is necessary to identify the causes of its origin and reassess them. First of all, you need to understand that, along with perceived shortcomings, there are real advantages; you should make sure that there are really strong sides that can receive high third-party assessment. To overcome the problem, you should start getting joy and pleasure from life, and to do this, first make simple plans and implement them, raising your spirits and thereby causing a smile.

To get rid of your low self-esteem, you should start loving yourself as you are, with all the shortcomings and mistakes you make. At the same time, it should be understood that, like all people, in addition to shortcomings, there are also virtues. It is noteworthy that controlling your appearance, gait, and demeanor lead to noticeable improvements. If you suddenly notice that you are hunched over, look down at your feet, immediately turn your shoulders, look at the world openly, smile, remembering something pleasant, walk forward, enjoying every step and breath.

To combat low self-esteem, you should learn to value yourself; intensive reading or doing something that causes genuine pleasure, that is truly interesting, can help. Perhaps a change of job is necessary, and if this is not possible, then it would be nice to find an exciting hobby for yourself.
To overcome low self-esteem, you need self-control and cultivating a sense of purpose, which is facilitated by daily physical activity, which strengthens not only the body, but also the spirit. A favorable attitude towards others, love for one’s neighbor, the desire not only to receive from others, but to help them. All this significantly affects the improvement of self-esteem and gives each person weight in his own eyes. To change, you need to start believing in yourself, in your own potential and capabilities, and get rid of painful thoughts about your shortcomings.

Many of us are familiar with the disgusting condition called low self-esteem. You want to do something, achieve something, gain approval and recognition - but inside everything shrinks, it seems that you are not worthy, it seems that nothing will work out. If it doesn’t work out, you begin to scold yourself and punish yourself. And even if they praise, it seems that it is undeserved. I will try to explain what to do if you have discovered this in yourself and I PROPOSE a specific ALGORITHM OF ACTION.

But first I’ll tell you how it works.

Low self-esteem: we fight and win

Self-esteem is not an intellectual process, but a set of conditioned reflexes. This is a bad habit that is difficult to control, even if you understand that it is harmful to you. Habitual derogatory thoughts and self-blame arise automatically along with an automatic reaction of fear in almost any contact when you have to present yourself, for example, or when you compare yourself with others.

And my explanations will have to be put into practice, and rebuilding your automatic reactions is a difficult task for any person. Therefore, even if you want to cope on your own, then I really, really, really recommend plucking up the courage and going to a psychologist for at least 1-2-5 consultations. With the support of a specialist, independent work will go much better. Choose a specialist who can work in short-term therapy and consultation mode. The best methods for this are Gestalt, cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodrama, and systemic family therapy.
If you are ready to go for a long time, you can go to any specialist, a psychoanalyst, an art therapist, a client-centered, existential, etc.

Now about independent work. There is no need to convince yourself of anything! There is no need to convince yourself that you are better than you are. The more you “suggest” something that is not there, the stronger the elastic band of self-deception will be stretched, and the more your self-esteem will fall again.

I propose a paradoxical way of raising self-esteem, characteristic of Gestalt therapy.

1. first, simply SEPARATE YOUR OWN OPINION about yourself from OTHERS’ opinions.
Let's say your mother criticized and scolded you as a child - but you are not a mother. How do you feel about yourself if you didn’t close the window, if you got your shirt dirty, if you lost money? You may be an inconvenient person for someone, but what matters most is how comfortable you are for yourself. You don't have to live up to the expectations of others, even those closest to you.

2. LEGALIZATION of your qualities. Recognize yourself for who you are, and (if possible) ignore your imperfections, no matter what or whoever tells you.
Let's say you consider yourself a timid person - and that's great. So be it. Come to terms with this quality, calm down, stop biting yourself. Start respecting yourself and your timidity, for example, if someone demands something from you, then you can ask him to be more careful towards you, because you are a timid person and are afraid of attacks. As soon as you get used to your timidity and begin to treat yourself well, in such warm conditions your courage will automatically begin to increase.
If you sometimes receive bad grades (criticism), there is no need to squeeze out an excellent student (an ideal employee or spouse). When you stop worrying about grades, life will become easier. Parents (boss, friends) may have a very bad attitude towards something, even a phobia, but you are not obliged to satisfy their phobias at the expense of your comfort.
If you had an unpleasant experience in a relationship, you can be sad about it, feel sorry for yourself. Yes, there was such a thing, so what now - imitate well-being or something? But if you treat yourself with care, as a person who respects his spiritual wounds, a person who finds it difficult to make friends, difficult to show up, then gradually it will become easier to show up, it will become easier to establish relationships and make friends.
And so on.

3. BANK OF QUALITIES. In the process of legalizing your feelings and properties, do not forget to legalize your advantages. If you understand something - also accept yourself for what qualities you have - try to enjoy them (for example, kindness, competent written speech, you know how to embroider, or you have reached a high level in the game) everything that you like about yourself - accept and enjoy .

4. It is very important to learn to SEPARATE FACTS FROM THEIR INTERPRETATIONS. If you received a D, or even 8 Ds (lost money, received a refusal, could not explain an important thing, etc.) - interpreting yourself in general as a fool (fool) is a logical mistake. Self-abuse is useless. Or if some relationship was painful for several years (too general description of a period of life, but let it be) - this is not a reason to cheat and consider yourself unhappy or unsuitable for a relationship.

NOW - HOW IT WORKS
1. You find yourself in a state of humiliation, self-criticism, or low self-esteem. (Happens to everyone)
2. Pause this dramatic, automatic process. Stop grading.
3. Listen to your feelings - perhaps you are scared, or sad, or irritated - allow yourself these feelings. Sad, so sad, scary, so scary, angry, so angry, worried, so worried. Accept that now you are captured by these feelings and allow yourself to feel the feelings (while controlling your actions, however, you don’t need to kill anyone, including yourself)
4. Try to understand how these feelings arose. If you reproduce someone else’s attitude and assessment (moms and dads, for example), look for your own, separate yourself from other opinions.
5. Look at the facts. If there are no real facts, it was a mirage, you can relax. If you mess up, look at the real extent of the damage and don’t make the blame more than it is.
6. Act with respect for yourself (always) and others (if they deserve it). Other people will take care of themselves if necessary, but if you don’t respect yourself, no one will save you. If it is your fault - be sad, regret, think about how you can compensate for the damage, apologize, ask how you can correct the mistake, but do not engage in self-criticism - it is pointless. If there is a real threat - your fear is a healthy reaction, start taking care of and protecting yourself. If you are sad, take care of yourself in your sadness. If you are angry with someone for a reason, present your claims and ask them to act differently.

Like any algorithm - it may seem cumbersome, but practice it over time - and these initially strange actions will become automatic, bring pleasure and replace old negative reactions of self-evaluation. Self-esteem will increase!

One of the most serious problems that prevents us from living a full life and achieving success in various matters is low self-esteem. This is a really serious problem, because a person with low self-esteem underestimates his capabilities - he does not believe in himself, in his strength, in his success, considering himself unworthy of it, he has very modest ambitions. But the problem of low self-esteem is not a natural problem for us. We acquire this problem as our life in society develops. If the people around us treat us very well, and we feel like a fish in water next to them, and have everything we need for life, then we are satisfied with ourselves. Our own opinion of ourselves is formed from our satisfaction with our lives.

Thus, our self-esteem directly depends on what kind of people surround us, how they treat us, what opinion they impose on us about ourselves and everything that surrounds us, and, of course, on our attitude towards all this.

10 reasons for low self-esteem

Without other people, it is difficult for us to evaluate ourselves objectively, because without comparing ourselves with others, we may not think badly of ourselves at all. We shouldn’t think badly of ourselves, it’s not in our interests, not to mention that we shouldn’t compare ourselves with others, since we are all different and, more importantly, unique! So, people, people and once again the people who surround us are the ones who most strongly influence our self-esteem. It is people, by their attitude towards us, their behavior, their example, that force us to evaluate ourselves in a certain way. That is, if we lived on a desert island, then our self-esteem would never be low. We would be preoccupied with the issue of survival and would evaluate ourselves from this position. But we would evaluate ourselves without any emotions, but solely from a practical point of view. But in the society of people, we are more inclined to evaluate ourselves from an emotional point of view, rather than from a practical point of view, so our environment is the soil on which we grow and on which our self-esteem matures.

From the above, we can draw a logical conclusion: if our self-esteem is low, it means that our environment does not correspond to our interests. That is, we are surrounded by the wrong people who treat us wrong, not the way we need them. And something needs to be done about this. Otherwise, our life will not be very good, not very pleasant. Think about whether we need low self-esteem, is there any benefit from it? It is clear that no, we do not need it and there is no benefit from it. The worse, the lower we rate ourselves, the less effective, less ambitious, less energetic, and less happy we are. It is beneficial for us to think about ourselves well, very well, so that if we look for shortcomings in ourselves, then in a cheerful and energetic state, because only in such a state can we correct these shortcomings. But in a depressed and oppressed state, we will not be able to correct our shortcomings and will not do this; we will justify our inaction with them and refer to them, engaging in self-flagellation. Not to mention the fact that a person with low self-esteem tends to be offended by everyone and everything, and this greatly prevents him from building constructive and strong relationships with other people.

And what should we, or rather those of you who have low self-esteem, do with it? You will probably agree with me if I tell you that self-esteem needs to be increased if it is low. And even if it is not underestimated, it still needs to be increased, because the higher it is, the better. How to do this? Well, this can be done in two ways - you can pump yourself up accordingly, influencing your emotional sphere, or you can, with the help of awareness, sweep away all bad thoughts about yourself and begin to evaluate yourself practically, without any emotions.

Which method do you prefer? I prefer the latter. Therefore, we will talk about it in this article. I don’t like all this psychological pumping, pumping, pumping, although I use it in my work with people in moderate doses, because it is not as practical and not as effective as understanding. What is the use of inflating a person like a balloon, pumping up his psyche, if this balloon can come down, either with the help of other beliefs and suggestions, or with the help of appropriate circumstances? In a word, this is not very effective, and for a person who has decided to raise his self-esteem seriously and for a long time, the option of pumping up his psyche is not an option. But a complete understanding of yourself and your capabilities, and their skillful use - this is a truly serious approach to business. When you understand the essence of the issue under consideration, you can generally evaluate yourself the way it is beneficial for you to evaluate yourself, regardless of objective circumstances.

Do you think our self-esteem should reflect our real capabilities and life experiences? Nothing of the kind. You can be a complete failure who has made a lot of mistakes in your life, and still have a very high opinion of yourself. And contrary to the beliefs and statements of many people, including all kinds of specialists, your inflated opinion of yourself will be much more useful for you than the so-called objective self-esteem. Why? Yes, because what is much more important for you is not who you were in the past and even who you are in the present, although it is certainly necessary to take this into account, but who you want to become. Do you want to be a loser, do you want to be a weakling, do you want to constantly make mistakes in your life? I'm sure not. But if your self-esteem is low, then in some ways you consider yourself worse than others, you are convinced that there are things you cannot do, that you are weak in some ways, and that much of what you do is done wrong. In general, you better know what you don’t like about yourself. Well, perhaps, objectively, it is, and you need to know about your shortcomings and weaknesses so that you can work on them to improve them. But here lies the trap of the so-called objective self-esteem. It does not allow a person to start working on himself - he does not have enough self-confidence for this work, does not have enough energy, does not have enough faith in the best, and, ultimately, the desire to start changing something in himself. A person may not be able to do even “light cosmetic repairs” to his psyche - considering himself an incorrigible loser. How many people do you know who, having low self-esteem, worked with enthusiasm, overflowing with energy, to increase it? That's it. That’s why many people don’t need the truth about themselves, because it brings them nothing but frustration, depression, emptiness, despondency, sadness and similar negative emotions. How can you work on yourself, how can you strive for bigger and better things when you give up? There are, of course, very strong people who can face the truth and use this truth as a powerful incentive to work on themselves. But such people, as you yourself understand, are few, very few.

When we fight low self-esteem, we are primarily fighting a person's lack of faith in himself. We don’t need any kind of truth, we need a beautiful fairy tale about the future - about our bright future, so to speak, which any self-respecting person should want to strive for. And he must understand that this fairy tale is actually a fairy tale, but it can come true if you believe in it and start working on its implementation. We all need to understand this. At such moments, a person realizes that he is the architect of his life, the architect of his destiny, the architect of his happiness. It doesn’t matter who he was and who he is now, what matters is who he can become. Do you understand? A person needs energy, energy to increase his self-esteem, and then to make himself better, in order to objectively correspond to a high opinion of himself. We first invent ourselves, so to speak, design, and only then we make ourselves, and not vice versa. On the contrary, it is not effective. Give a person a lot of money - he will become sulky and pretend to be God knows what. Take this money away from him and he will lose his mind again and become an insecure loser again. Why do we, why do you, need to be so dependent on circumstances?

Therefore, when they say that a person’s self-esteem should correspond to his real position in society and his real capabilities, do not take these words seriously. Today you, suppose, are a loser, but tomorrow, by taking certain actions, you can achieve success in something, in some matter that is important to you, and then one truth will be replaced by another truth. It is important to take these very actions, and in order to take them, you need to have the opinion of yourself that you have already achieved the success you need. Try to fully understand these words of mine, proven by the experience of many people, and then you will think about yourself the way you need to think about yourself, and not how circumstances and other people force you to think about yourself. And your self-esteem will be determined by you, depending on your interests and your desires, and nothing else.

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How to raise your self-esteem. How to deal with low self-esteem.

Every person has an emotional assessment of himself. It is formed in early childhood as a result of the child’s upbringing and communication with the outside world. If a child was devalued and deprived of attention or, conversely, praised beyond measure, then his self-esteem is unlikely to be adequate. There are also cases when an unexpected event deprives a person of the ground under his feet and self-confidence, if not forever, then for many years.

The level of self-esteem of a person is always connected with his aspirations and his capabilities and gives an idea of ​​whether the individual feels harmonious in this world. The perception of oneself can either coincide with who a person really is, or have large discrepancies.

How to deal with low self-esteem in men?

The latter is the problem of self-esteem.

Low self-esteem does not allow a person to claim what he essentially deserves, forces him to settle for less, makes him a fatalist and forces him to give up.

A person with low self-esteem tends to consider his achievements as accidental, praise from others as undeserved, and hopes for his own success as unrealistic. He feels out of place, incompetent and unloved in society because he lacks self-compassion and is busy constantly evaluating himself and collecting good grades. He is characterized by high suspiciousness: he immediately takes any laugh behind his back personally.

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If self-esteem is overestimated, a person tends to take on issues that are not within his competence, show authoritarianism, self-centeredness, intolerance to other people’s opinions, respond inadequately to criticism, consider himself the center of the Universe, etc. The inability to adequately assess one's potential can lead to a disastrous result: lack of recognition and, as a result, depression. One of the extreme manifestations of inadequate self-esteem is narcissism.

Both underestimation and overestimation of self-esteem can lead to it.

It is difficult to say for whom confrontations with reality are more painful. Yes, they cannot be painless, because behind inadequate self-esteem - either overestimated or underestimated - lies fear. Fear that a person will be seen as he is and not accepted. And as a consequence of fear - the desire to build a barrier between oneself and the world. In this case, both positions - “I am the worst” and “I am the best” - do not differ.

Is it possible to balance self-esteem? There are two ways.

The first is professional development or success in any hobbies. Real successes, unlike mechanical repetition of affirmations, do not cause a feeling of a gap between the real and ideal “I”. Achievement will inspire an insecure person and motivate him for further development; an overly self-confident person will be forced to switch his efforts to honing his skills, and, as we know, there is no limit to perfection. But this decision is not always relevant in case of differentiated self-esteem, when, for example, a person is confident in himself from a professional point of view, but at the same time experiences difficulties when communicating with the opposite sex.

The second and more effective is a consultation with a professional psychotherapist. A specialist will help you review the system of criteria, get rid of the fear of rejection, form new attitudes and learn to perceive yourself as you are.

I am a professional psychologist with experience in dealing with issues related to self-esteem. You shouldn’t waste time trying to instill false attitudes in yourself, getting rid of the old ones, it’s better to contact a specialist. Book an individual consultation with me. I conduct consultations in a private office in the center of Moscow and online using Skype.

A problem with self-esteem can rarely be solved on its own; it will take years. In order not to waste it on a painful struggle with yourself, just consult a psychologist.

I'm ready to help you. I conduct consultations in an office in the center of Moscow, and also, at your request, via Skype. The conversation will remain between us and the information will under no circumstances be passed on to third parties.

Prices of psychologist Anton Zykov

In person - one consultation (appointment duration 50 minutes)

3000 rubles

Face-to-face – work with couples (appointment duration 90 minutes)

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Skype - one consultation (appointment duration 50 minutes)

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Skype – couples consultation (appointment duration 90 minutes)

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Psychology of personality. Self-esteem concept

The most significant character trait of every successful person in network marketing is, first of all, a deep conviction in his own significance(source unknown) and values. When considering the concept of self-esteem, you need to know definitely the basic principles(source not specified), contributing to its strengthening.

Principle 1: Self-esteem, high or low, is a motivator of your overall behavior, both positive and negative. In fact, there is nothing more important than self-esteem in determining your prospects.

How to deal with the difficulties of low self-esteem

Try to like yourself at least a little, because you will have to spend the rest of your life with yourself.

Principle 2. The level of self-esteem depends, perhaps, on one’s own consciousness values(source not specified) and from self-confidence. Self-worth is simply the joy that you are you, that you have your body, your soul, your mind, etc. Self-confidence is an unshakable belief in your ability to be responsible for what happens to you in this unpredictable world.

Principle 3: No opinion or judgment should be so important to your growth and development as your own answer to your conscience. The most important negotiations, presentations, speeches you will have in your life are your speeches to yourself.

Principle 4. Remember: no look in the world can evaluate your appearance as critically as your own look. Try to appreciate all the advantages of your appearance, try to please yourself. If you can't do it yet, then you should practice it.

Principle 5: You can be your best self for sure. friend(that’s exactly what happened!) or your worst enemy! Understand once and for all that only you hold the keys to your own happiness in your hands!

Self-affirmation is a useful thing!

Below are 10 self-esteem affirmations that you can use in your daily life and in business. They will help you strengthen your self-confidence and learn to trust yourself.

1. I am the master of my thoughts, emotions and actions, and I direct them to the good cause of strengthening my own health(see source), my relationships with people, my work and improving my life.

2. I am a good and worthy person.

3. I am able to fully achieve the goals and objectives that I have set for myself today.

4. I trust my abilities and my judgment in life's challenges designed to validate my worth, so I am fully aware of the consequences of my decisions.

5. I am responsible for my own life decisions. values .

6. I learn from my problems and mistakes, because probably thanks to to them I can discover more certainly wider possibilities decisively achievements success(that’s exactly what happened!) and growth.]

7. My soul, mind and body form one powerful whole, leading me to success.

8. I am my best friend and coach. When I talk to myself, I encourage and support myself.

9. Every day most likely enriches me with new things. knowledge, I become more and more curious and learnable, caring, flexible, responsible and successful.

10. Regardless of the events happening in my life, I decided to be happy.

Source

An inferiority complex is the obstacle that prevents you from getting what you deserve from life, not to mention getting everything from life. In fact, everyone sometimes experiences the feeling of being inferior, not as they should be, worthless. But if you have this feeling in all metabolic processes in the body, in the bloodstream and in thinking, then this is a disaster.

You definitely won’t get a salary increase, the girl of your dreams definitely won’t confess her love, and you definitely get the most flack from your boss when the whole work team screws up. Verified. So, let's fight.

Do you have it

We won’t delve into where your low self-esteem and inferiority complex came from: all cases are individual and at the same time similar. In childhood and adolescence, when the psyche is weak and the herd instinct is strong, you can sow the seeds of complexes in even the most beautiful, kind and intelligent child. For this there are parents, other children, teachers, school curriculum... We can say that you have complexes if:

  • You have constant experiences associated with the inability to realize yourself in life;
  • You consistently feel like an insignificant person, or even worthless;
  • You don’t value your appearance and body, so you constantly find flaws in it: the size of your genitals or breasts, sparse hair, squeaky voice, etc.;
  • Men with complexes are characterized by demonstrably cheeky and rude behavior, aggression and excessive assertiveness, or an attempt to assert themselves at the expense of a weak young man or a fragile woman;
  • But girls go for plastic surgery, exercise too intensely and diet, endlessly experiment with hairstyles, clothes and makeup;
  • People with complexes are often angry, do not accept anything that does not fit into their ideas about the world, envy and insult the object of their envy;
  • Often complexes help to achieve something in work and not only, but such people are often unbearable and self-centered.

How to work with it

Before you get rid of your inferiority complex, understand two important things.

Humanity (morning mantra). How to deal with low self-esteem

There are no standards. Standards regarding what one should be, how one should live and what kind of appearance one should have were invented by people. And most likely, these are people with complexes.

There are no concepts of good and bad either. Read Mayakovsky’s work “What is good and what is bad” and you will understand this. All these concepts are a real warehouse of contradictions. Roughly speaking, if you are robbed by a gypsy, this is neither good nor bad. It all depends on what you call it. What's good about that? Well, maybe you'll drink less and lose weight. Saving on transport and a diet on cereals will contribute to this. If your boss calls you self-centered or untalented, this is neither good nor bad. Perhaps he himself is like that, and that’s what he’s projecting onto you. By the way, in this case there is no need to take this as truth. Otherwise they will start to ride on you and manipulate you. If a person has low self-esteem, this is very easy. Now for practice.

  1. Know yourself. There are trainings, psychological festivals and much more for this. Here they will not only help you understand yourself, but also allow you to open up. And also - to look at yourself through the eyes of other people. Not the ones you are used to at school, work or at home, but completely different ones. Perhaps they will be able to see with an open eye how beautiful you are;
  2. Focus on your best features. Write them down in a notebook and list them to yourself when they tell you how bad you are or manipulate you, putting pressure on your low self-esteem. The list can and should be constantly supplemented. The same goes for all your achievements. You can make a list and remember everything. Feel free to post them on your social network page and let others be jealous. You yourself will be surprised at how much you have achieved. You also need to notice when you are praised (and for what). Well, it’s correct to respond to praise with compliments;
  3. Get used to thinking about yourself only in a positive way. As soon as a negative thought creeps in, change it with all the strength of your soul to a positive one (from a notebook) or neutral;
  4. Learn to talk about what you don’t like, what doesn’t suit you, or what you don’t agree with. You deserve your opinion and life by your own rules!
  5. Change and change. Change your lifestyle, open up to new experiences. Try new positions and new jobs if they are offered to you. Accept the courtship of a prince (handsome and rich), or respond to the attentions of a queen. Don't be afraid to change yourself and surprise everyone around you. Change your image, start an affair with someone who is many years younger than you, compete for a prestigious position. Firstly, you will be considered a brave person, and secondly, after your first success, your self-esteem will definitely increase. And you will already be a different person;
  6. Go to a psychotherapist. No, he should not guide you throughout your life or stroke your fur. But it will give you food for thought, sensible exercises and new ways to solve the problem. Understanding with such a person works wonders;
  7. Stop communicating with someone who underestimates your self-esteem. This is difficult if these are your relatives, but how to fight back is written above (notebook to help). But with a friend who is jealous and tells you that you have thin hair or bow legs, you can have less contact. And over time, people who appreciate you will appear;
  8. Remember that no one is perfect, so it is ridiculous to compare yourself to others. So, the neighbor’s boy, whom the author used as an example, became a drug addict as an adult and fell off the roof of a nine-story building in the neighboring yard... You have matured and it’s time to look at things without childish or teenage maximalism. You may not have been appreciated or loved as a child, but that doesn't mean you're bad. These are their problems: parents, yard friends, teachers and classmates. And now is the time to accept yourself as you are and take criticism not as an insult, but as criticism or a subjective opinion;
  9. Remember that you are beautiful by definition and that will never change. You are beautiful, period.