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What do you wish for a dead person? How to briefly express your sincere condolences in your own words. Examples of written condolences

You can't prepare for death. Each person faced the loss of loved ones, loved ones, so many are familiar with the pain of loss.

But often we do not know how to calm down, support the grieving, how to express condolences in connection with the death of his loved ones, relatives.

note! Offering condolences to a grieving person is a must. This is a tribute.

But it is worth remembering that people after the death of loved ones are in a stressful, shock state. Words of condolence on the occasion of death are chosen carefully, carefully.

Examples of condolences on the occasion of death in your own words to the relatives of the deceased:

“The event shocked me. It is difficult to accept and reconcile.
"Let me share the pain of loss with you."
"The news of his death was a terrible blow."
"I sympathize with your pain."
"We empathize with your loss."
"I offer my condolences."
“I was shocked by his death. I will pray for his soul."
"The deceased meant a lot to us, it's a pity that he left us."
"Grief cannot be expressed in words, but you can always count on our support in difficult times."
"We mourn with you."

Sometimes it's better to express grief briefly.

Short and sincere words of sympathy:

"Hold on."
"Be strong."
"I'm sorry".
"My condolences".
"Sorry".
"It's a heavy loss."

If a grieving person who deeply believes in God, then they say such words of grief:

"The Kingdom of heaven".
"Rest in peace".
"Lord, rest with the Saints!"
"The world is bright to his ashes."
"Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven."

Table: rules for presenting words of condolence

What not to say

Everyone wants to support the grieving. But there are a number of words and expressions that are not appropriate at a funeral. Expressions can cause anger, aggression, resentment.

What not to do:

Comfort the future. When a baby dies, do not say "you are still young, give birth again." It's tactless.
It is difficult for parents to accept the loss of their own child, because they rejoiced at him, dreamed of the future.
The words “do not worry, you are young, you are still getting married” sound like “saying goodbye to your beloved.” It's cruel. For people who have lost children, spouses, parents at the time of their funeral, there is no future.
They are not ready to think about it. Their pain at the moment of loss is strong and painful.
Look for the extreme. If there is a culprit in death, do not remind about it. It is forbidden to say what would have happened if they had acted differently. It is not recommended to blame the deceased.
Examples: “it’s his own fault, he drank a lot of alcohol”, “this is his punishment for his sins.” Do not defame the memory of the deceased, because it is not in vain that they say that only good things should be said about the dead.
Asking you to stop crying. The mourner should mourn the dead and calm the soul.

Forbidden phrases:

« Death has taken its toll, do not shed tears". A person in the phase of acute shock does not finally understand what happened, that his close and dear one has passed away forever. Such words sound cruel.
« Don't worry, everything will be fine- sounds like a fairy tale or a cruel mockery. A person is not ready to accept such a statement, he does not believe that the pain will let him go and life will get better.
« Time heals". Not even time can heal spiritual wounds. The pain of loss will always be there. Any person who has experienced death will confirm this.
« So he was exhausted, he is fine there". If the deceased was very ill, then words are unlikely to calm the mourner.
He has one desire - to see a loved one nearby, and not to think that he is well in heaven.
« Think about it, it’s even worse for others, at least you have relatives left". Don't use comparisons. Respect the person's pain.
« I understand how it hurts" is a common and tactless phrase. Understanding a mourner is difficult.

Never discount the loss with the words “it’s good that you didn’t get hurt”, “think about the children, parents”, etc.

For those who mourn, death is a shock in life. He is not ready to look for positive moments in the loss of loved ones.

Important! It is worth remembering that condolences are offered from the heart. But this does not mean that you are allowed to say everything that comes to mind.

Grieving people do not perceive reality well, their subconscious is clouded with grief and resentment, so you should not provoke a person.

During the shock phase, one should not be interested in the details of the death of the deceased.

condolences in writing

Don't be sorry:

In verse.
By SMS.

This is neglect. Funerals are no place for poetry, and texting should be replaced with a phone call. If it is not possible to call, then you can express condolences in writing.

Sample text:

« We deeply mourn the death of the deceased.. He was an amazing, kind and well-mannered person, surprising with his joy and spontaneity.
It is difficult to write, the hand does not hold the pen from grief, but still it is necessary. We are sorry that this happened, but we are happy that fate brought us together with such an amazing person. Peace be upon him on earth and in heaven."
« The news of the loss shocked my mind. I convey my condolences and express deep respect to the deceased.”
« It is difficult to find words when a storm rages in the soul and the bitterness of loss. Can't believe this happened. Our condolences. We pray for him."

Choose sensitive phrases that do not go beyond morality. In the text, you need to briefly acknowledge the loss, support the relatives of the deceased.

When writing a letter to relatives, describe the memories associated with it. When writing a text to a colleague, remember his business, personal qualities.

Useful video

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensitivity, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite,.
phase of suffering. Lasts 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. There may be pain in the stomach and a sensation of a lump in the throat. If a person is experiencing the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan one's activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less.
recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly, yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, accidents, depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as much as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person does not listen to you or does not show attention - do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console unfamiliar people? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not scream, then you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in comforting familiar and unfamiliar people? Actually - no. The only difference is that you know one person more than the other. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, involve in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's look at the methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of experiencing grief.

shock phase

Your behavior:

Don't leave the person alone.
Gently touch the victim. You can take the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch, does he repel you? If repels - do not impose, but do not leave.
Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
Keep the casualty busy with simple activities, such as some sort of funeral arrangements.
Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and then return to emotional experiences. Refuse advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand it. Help the victim to simply speak out his feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

Talk about the past in past tense.
If you know the deceased, tell something nice about him.

Can't say:

“You can’t recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
“God’s will for everything” (helps only deeply believing people), “Was exhausted”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, because they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
“You are young, beautiful, you will get married / have a baby.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And he is invited to dream.
“Now, if the ambulance arrived on time”, “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her”, “Now, if I didn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.
Your behavior:
In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
Give the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
If the victim wants to cry, do not interfere with him to do it. Help him cry. - Cry with him.
If it does, don't interfere.

Your words:

If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the realm of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings”. Talk about how you feel.
Tell me that this suffering is not forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. The tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

Can't say:

“Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
"And someone is worse off than you." Such topics can help parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Comparative conversations can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

It makes no sense to tell the victim: “If you need help, contact / call me” or ask him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little - take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema with him. Sometimes it has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to be intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he does not answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or e-mail. Express condolences, report your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that it is necessary to help a person survive grief, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, it will help to survive the loss not only to him. If the loss touched you too, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less loss to your own mental state. And it will also save you from feelings of guilt - you will not reproach yourself for the fact that you could help, but did not, brushing aside other people's troubles and problems.

Olga VOSTOCHNAYA,
psychologist

Hearing

The main thing is to be sure to let the person talk. Do not be afraid of the flow of revelations and panic: no one requires you to be active and immediately solve all problems. It is also better to leave questions, advice and universal wisdom for later: at this stage, a person just needs to know that he is not alone, that he is being heard, that they sincerely sympathize with him.

To listen does not mean to freeze like an idol and be silent until the very end of the monologue. This behavior is more like indifference. It is possible and even necessary to show “signs of life” in order to console a loved one: say “Yes”, “I understand you”, sometimes repeat words or phrases that seemed key - all this will show that you really care. And at the same time it will help to gather your thoughts: both to the interlocutor, and, by the way, to yourself.

This is a gesture

There is a simple set of gestures to help sympathizers. An open posture (without arms crossed on the chest), a slightly bowed head (preferably on the same level as the head of the person you are listening to), understanding nods, an approving grunt in time with the conversation and open palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When it comes to a loved one with whom you are used to maintaining bodily contact, soothing touches and stroking will not interfere. If the speaker becomes hysterical, and this also often happens, then one option to calm him down is to give him a big hug. By doing this, you will, as it were, inform him: I am near, I accept you, you are safe.

It is better not to experiment with unfamiliar people in relation to bodily contact: firstly, you yourself may feel embarrassed; secondly, a person with a rigid personal space can be repulsed by such behavior. It is also worth being very careful if you have a victim of physical violence in front of you.

no change

You can not go in cycles in stress, many of us believe. “Pull yourself together!”, “Find a reason to be happy” - these are the standard set of phrases that the culture of global positiveness and lightness of being hammers into our heads. Alas, all these attitudes in 90 cases out of 100 have the opposite effect and do not help to comfort a person with words at all. Sacredly believing that it is necessary to look for pluses in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to fill it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, and it becomes more and more difficult to return to it and try to solve it every day.

If a person constantly returns to the same topic, it means that stress is still making itself felt. Let him talk for as long as it takes (assuming you endure the process yourself). See how it got easier? Fine. You can slowly change the subject.

If specifically

What words to comfort a person? Often, the person in trouble feels like a social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortunes are unique and no one cares about his experiences. The phrase "Is there anything I can do to help?" seems banal and insipid, but nevertheless it shows your willingness to share the problem and be in the same boat with the victim. And it’s even better to offer something specific: “Do you want me to come to you right now and we will discuss everything?”, “Dictate a list of what you need - I’ll bring it within a day”, “Now I’ll call all the lawyers I know (doctors, psychologists), maybe what will they advise” or simply “Come at any time”. And even if the answer is an irritated grumbling in the style of “No need, I’ll figure it out myself,” the very desire to help will have a positive effect.

Help should be offered only if you are really ready for exploits, wasting time, money and emotions. Do not overestimate your strength, promising what you cannot deliver, in the end it will only get worse.

Popular

supervised

Assurances like “Don’t touch me, leave me alone, I want to be alone” often speak not so much of the desire to cope with the situation alone, but of excessive obsession with the problem and, unfortunately, a state close to panic. Therefore, it is not recommended to leave it alone for a long time. Unless for an extremely limited period of time, while being close and keeping abreast.

Quite often the mood to withdraw into oneself provokes the excessive curiosity of others, sometimes even those who are not close at all, their excessive pity, patronizing attitude. Nobody likes it. Therefore, when you see someone in such a state in front of you, you should moderate the level of your feelings and sympathy (at least externally) and make it clear that you are not going to teach him life or crush him with authority, but at the same time you sincerely want to help.

He she

We are accustomed to believing that a woman is an emotionally unstable creature and is always prone to hysterical reactions, while a man is strong and resistant by default, therefore he is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.

Recent studies by scientists show that a socially isolated man tolerates stress much worse than a woman left alone with herself: he is more prone to withdrawing into himself and depression (and girls even increase immunity in force majeure situations!). And the problem that we, emotional, will survive and still forget, can torment the male brain for a long time. Psychologists believe that such a protracted reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys from childhood are taught to be silent and monitor their reputation more than a state of psychological comfort.

A man needs comfort, but actions will bring it rather than words. How to console a loved one? Your arrival, a delicious dinner, an unobtrusive attempt to stir up will work much better than verbal confessions. In addition, the active behavior of someone nearby brings men to themselves. And also let him know that it won’t hurt him to speak out and you don’t see anything wrong with that.

Saving those who help

Sometimes we get so carried away with saving drowning people that it becomes an obsession. Which, by the way, the victim himself indulges: having got used to your readiness to listen, he, without realizing it, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to dump all negative emotions on your fragile shoulders. If this goes on too long, you will soon need help yourself.

By the way, for some people the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from their own problems. It is absolutely not worth allowing this - sooner or later there is a risk of coming to a full-fledged nervous breakdown.

If after long and, as it seems to you, therapeutic conversations, you feel squeezed out like a lemon, fatigue, sleep disturbances, irritability appear - you should slow down a bit. In this state, you are unlikely to help anyone, but you can easily harm yourself.

Depression

We like to use the diagnosis of "depression" with or without cause. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still common signs, with the manifestation of which you need to urgently seek qualified help. This:

Apathy, sadness, the prevalence of bad mood;

Loss of strength, motor retardation or, conversely, nervous fussiness;

Slowing down speech, long pauses, freezing in place;

Decreased concentration;

Loss of interest in habitually joyful things and events;

Loss of appetite;

Insomnia;

Decreased sex drive.

At least a couple of symptoms from the above - and you really should find a good psychotherapist for the victim.

Text: Daria Zelentsova

12 186 968 0

We intuitively and subconsciously understand how to behave in joyful, easy life situations and festive events. But there are events of a tragic nature - the death of a loved one, for example. Many are lost, faced with their unpreparedness for loss, for the majority such events are beyond acceptance and awareness.

People experiencing loss are easily vulnerable, acutely feel insincerity and pretense, their feelings are overwhelmed with pain, they need help to calm it down, accept it, reconcile it, but in no case add pain with an accidentally thrown tactless word, an incorrect phrase.

You need to be able to show increased tact and correctness, sensitivity and condescension. It is better to remain silent, showing a delicate understanding, than to cause additional pain, hurt disturbed feelings, hook on nerves overloaded with experiences.

We will try to help you understand how to behave in a situation where a person next to you has suffered grief - the loss of a loved one, how to condole and find words that make the person feel your support and sincere sympathy.

We must take into account the existing differences in condolences.

The form of expressing condolences for the loss will vary:

Grandparents, relative;
mother or father;
brother or sister;
son or daughter - child;
husband or wife;
boyfriend or girlfriend;
colleagues, employee.

Because the depth of experiences varies.

Also, the expression of condolences depends on the severity of the grieving person's feelings about what happened:

Imminent death due to old age;
inevitable death due to serious illness;
premature, sudden death;
tragic death, accident.

But there is the main, general condition, independent of the cause of the death that has come - the genuine sincerity of the expression of your grief.

The condolence itself should be short in form, but deep in content. Therefore, you need to find the most sincere words that accurately convey the depth of your sympathy and your willingness to provide support.

In this article, we will give samples and examples of various forms of expressing condolences, we will help you choose mournful words.

You will need:

Form and method of filing

Condolences will have distinctive features in form and method of presentation, depending on their purpose.

Purpose:

Personal condolences to family and friends.
Official individual or collective.
Obituary in the newspaper.
Farewell words of mourning at the funeral.
Funeral words at the wake: for 9 days, for the anniversary.

Submission method:

The timeliness factor is important, so the postal delivery method should only be used to send a telegram. Of course, the fastest way to express your condolences is to use modern communication tools: email, Skype, Viber ... but they are suitable for confident Internet users, and these should be not only senders, but also recipients.

Using SMS to show sympathy and empathy is acceptable only if there are no other opportunities for contact with a person, or if the status of your relationship is a distant acquaintance or formal friendship. Follow this link for different occasions.

Submission form:

In writing:

Telegram;
email;
electronic postcard;
an obituary is a piece of mourning in a newspaper.

In oral form:

In a telephone conversation;
in person.

In prose: Suitable for both written and verbal expression of grief.
In verse: Suitable for writing mourning.

Important highlights

All verbal condolences should be short in form.

Official condolences are more delicately expressed in writing. For this, a heartfelt verse is more suitable, to which you can pick up a photo of the deceased, corresponding electronic pictures and postcards.
Personal individual condolences must be exclusive, and can be expressed both verbally and in writing.
For the dearest and closest people, it is important to express or write mournful condolences in your sincere words, not formal, therefore, not stereotyped.
Since verses are rarely exclusive, exclusively yours, so listen to your heart, and it will prompt you with words of comfort and support.
Not only words of condolence should be sincere, but also an offer of any help that you can afford: financial, organizational.

Be sure to mention the distinctive personal virtues and character traits of the deceased person that you would like to keep in your memory forever as a model: wisdom, kindness, responsiveness, optimism, love of life, hard work, honesty.…

This will be an individual part of condolences, the main part of which can be formulated according to the approximate model proposed in our article.

Universal mournful texts

“Let the earth rest in peace” - this is a traditional ritual phrase that is said after a completed burial, it can be a condolence at a wake, suitable even for atheists.
"We all mourn your irreparable loss."
"Unspeakable pain from loss."
"Sincerely condolences and sympathy for your grief."
“Please accept my deepest condolences on the death of a loved one.”
“Let us keep in our hearts the bright memory of the deceased wonderful person.”

Help can be offered in the following ways:

“We are ready to share the burden of your grief, to be close to you and provide the necessary all possible assistance to you and your family.”
“Surely, you will need to solve a lot of questions. You can count on us, accept our help."

On the death of mother, grandmother

"The death of the closest person - mother - is an irreparable grief."
"The bright memory of her will forever be in our hearts."
“How much we did not have time to tell her during her lifetime!”
"We sincerely mourn and condole with you at this bitter moment."
"Hold on! In memory of her. She wouldn't want to see you in despair."

On the death of a husband, father, grandfather

“I offer my sincere condolences and express my deep sympathy in connection with the death of a loved one who was a reliable support for you and your family.”
“In memory of this strong man, you must show resilience and wisdom in order to survive this grief and continue what he did not have time to complete.”
"We will carry a bright and kind memory of him through our lives."

On the death of a sister, brother, friend, loved one

“It hurts to realize the loss of a loved one, but it is even more difficult to come to terms with the departure of young people who have not known life. Everlasting memory!"
“Let me express my most sincere condolences on the occasion of a heavy, irreparable loss!”
“Now you have to become a support for your parents! Remember this and hold on!”
“God help you survive and endure the pain of this loss!”
“For the sake of your children, their peace and well-being, you need to cope with this grief, find the strength to live and learn to look to the future.”
"Death does not take away love, your love is immortal!"
"Blessed memory of a wonderful person!"
"He will forever remain in our hearts!"

If you are at a distance, find out via SMS. Select the appropriate message and send to the recipient.

On the death of a colleague

“We have worked side by side over the past few years. He was an excellent colleague and an example for young colleagues. His professionalism served as an example for many. You will forever remain in our memory as an example of life wisdom and honesty. May the earth rest in peace for you!
“Her/his dedication to her work earned her/him the respect and love of all who knew her/him. He/She will forever remain in my memory.”
“You were a wonderful collaborator and friend. How we will miss you. May the earth rest in peace for you!
"I can't bear the thought that you're gone. It seems like only recently we were drinking coffee, discussing work and laughing ... I will miss you, your advice and crazy ideas very much.

On the death of a believer

The text of condolences may contain the same mournful words as for a secular person, but an Orthodox Christian should add:

ritual phrase:

"Kingdom of heaven and eternal rest!"
"God is merciful!"

My dear, I am very sorry for your grief. Condolences ... Be strong!
My friend, I mourn your loss. I know this is a hard blow for you and your family. I offer my sincere condolences.
- A wonderful man is gone. My condolences to you, my dear, and to all your family at this sad and difficult moment.
This tragedy hurt all of us. But of course, it touched you the most. Accept my condolences.

How to condole in Islam (Muslims)?

It is Sunnah to express condolences in Islam. However, it is undesirable for the relatives of the deceased to gather in one place to accept condolences. The main purpose of expressing condolences is to call people who have suffered misfortune to patience and contentment with the predestination of Allah. The words that should be said when expressing condolences are: “May Allah grant you beautiful patience and may He forgive the sins of your deceased (your deceased).”

How to condole over the phone?

In the case when the words of condolence are pronounced over the phone, then you can (but not necessarily) add briefly: “Let the earth rest in peace!”. If you have the opportunity to provide assistance (organizational, financial - any), then it is convenient to complete the words of condolence with this phrase, for example, “These days you will probably need help. I would like to be helpful. Count on me to call anytime!

How do you deal with a person who is bereaved?

It is not necessary to grieve, cry with him, passing through someone else's suffering. You will be much more effective in your help if you act rationally, deliberately. One way to deal with loss is to talk about it repeatedly. In this case, strong emotions will react. You need to listen carefully to the person, answer his questions if necessary. Allowing a person to express his emotions, experiences. It can be tears, anger, irritation, sadness. You don't judge, you just listen carefully, you're there. Tactile contact is possible, that is, a person can be hugged, taken by the hand, the child can be put on his knees.

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