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How to unwind after the death of a loved one. How to survive the death of a loved one? Helping Yourself Get Through Grief: Practical Tips

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss. How to help another person go through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped, and happiness without it is simply impossible?

No one wants to touch the topic of death - it touches us by itself! It happens suddenly and stunningly. Then her blow is even stronger, and the shock of the experienced shock leaves scars not only in the soul, but also on the body. How to survive the death of a loved one and not go crazy with grief? How can you help someone who is experiencing the pain of loss? The answer is given by Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, which shows that our entire psyche, like a thin lace, is woven from two forces - the force of life and the force of death.

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss.

Why such unbearable pain? Empty inside and empty outside. You just don't know how to live. The death of a loved one seems to be thrown into another reality: into a meaningless and empty world, in which there is no person dear to the heart.

When a person is suddenly overtaken by the departure of a loved one, he forgets about everything. At this moment, the brain seems to turn off, and he walks like a somnambulist, stumbling not only on the things of a loved one, but also on memories of him.

And the memories are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, and in the heart again and again there is pain from the loss of a loved one. And now the tears are choking, there is a lump in the throat, there are no words, the legs just give way. How to cope with the loss of a loved one?

And if someone from your environment experiences the loss, you are also bitter and hurt, but already for him. I want to help, but do not know how to find words of comfort.

You see how his whole being resists the news of the loss. You seem to hear him mentally screaming: “I don’t believe it! It can't be! It's unfair that such a good man has passed away!" And then loneliness, longing, unbridled grief suck him into their quagmire. I want to reach out to him, get him out of there. But how?

How to help another person go through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped and happiness without it is simply impossible? Let's figure it out in this article.

Psychological aspects of the experience of death

Most people take death hard. Everyone reacts to death in their own way. Everything is due to the unconscious features of our psyche. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan classifies all these properties and unconscious desires, calling them vectors. And since people are not the same, recommendations on how to survive the death of a loved one also depend on the psychology of a person.

A person lives among other people. And we all have an innate set of vectors for fulfilling our role in society. Someone has been given an excellent memory, another - increased emotionality, a third - a brilliant mind, etc. Mixing different vectors creates a unique pattern of the psyche.

That's why Each person experiences loss in their own way. Some start, others rampantly, others fall into, and some confidently take on all the trouble of organizing.

As the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says, a person is always a desire to survive and continue oneself in time. In a state of superstress - and death is certainly such a state - unconscious programs of adaptation come into play.

These are unconscious reactions, and a person simply does not understand what is happening to him. Why is he drawn into the abyss of fear, why does he fall into a stupor or, on the contrary, begins to flicker?

What does it depend on? From those innate properties that nature has endowed us with. And they are all different. Surviving the loss of a loved one, coping with longing and hopelessness will be easier when you realize what is happening to the psyche.

When a person feels guilty

Among us there are special people for whom family, children, friends, gratitude, justice are super-values. All life events pass through this most important filter of perception for them. It is easy for such a person to sink into a sense of guilt, feeling pain because he did not thank the departed during his lifetime. The owners of these properties experience special, unbearable pain from the death of a beloved child - it is felt as a loss of the meaning of life.

Such a person also tends to immerse himself in memories, especially if they are pleasant memories. In this state, a person loses his foothold. He needs help to regain his balance. Death is a huge shock for him, he unconsciously tries to return to the past, when everything was fine. In this state, he begins to live in memories.

From one news of the death of a loved one, such a person's legs give way, palpitations begin, shortness of breath. He might even get sick with his heart. It is especially difficult for the owner of the anal vector to survive the death of the mother. To adapt the loss of a loved one and return to life again, the bearer of these properties always needs more time than the rest.

Who falls into hysterics from the loss of a loved one

Overcoming a sudden loss is especially difficult for people with a visual vector. Because at the heart of their psyche lies the root fear - the fear of death. It is they who, from the pain of loss, very often begin to sob, sink into self-pity or fall into hysterics, that is, they become locked in the lower states of the visual vector. A sudden break in the emotional connection with the deceased is a huge stress for such people, they do not control themselves, they do not understand how to survive this death and get out of difficult conditions.

As they go downhill, they get sucked in more and more by the vortex of fear of death. It is possible to get out of such difficult states only by understanding the whole mechanism and amplitude of visual states, to which more than 20 hours are devoted to Yuri Burlan's training.

It is people with a visual vector who run the risk of plunging into a state of self-pity, which is actually very destructive, because it locks the sufferer on himself and again on himself unhappy. And the visual vector belongs to the four extraverted vectors for which isolation is unnatural and harmful.

This is one of the biggest mistakes that leads to later health problems for the bereaved. He develops psychosomatic illnesses.

So how not to lose your mind from grief, and also help another to survive these states and not fall into unbridled self-pity and endless longing?

Tears help you cope with the death of a loved one.

But tears are different. In a state of loss, when an unbearable tragedy clouds the mind, we begin to cry out of fear for ourselves. A whole circle of thoughts rushes through my head: how will I live without a close, beloved, dear person?

We often cry in self-pity. But tears can bring relief if you can redirect the vector of attention from yourself to others, to those who are also feeling bad right now. Visual people have a unique talent for empathy and compassion: the desire to support and comfort another will bring you great relief in how to survive the loss of a loved one.

Of course, the loss of a loved one is a difficult situation. It is important to understand all the psychological features of these conditions, then you will be able not only to cope with the pain yourself, but also to help other people who have experienced a loss.

When the death of a loved one is the greatest tragedy

But a person with an anal-visual combination of vectors experiences the loss especially strongly. For the anal vector, the greatest value is family, mother, children. For the visual, these are emotional connections with other people.

When a person has such a bond, for him the loss is a huge blow to his super-values, it is a break in an emotional connection that can never be restored.

Here, memories of the past and lost emotional ties are woven into a tight knot. He is simply drawn into a whirlpool of memories, where he remembers all the good things, and some insults, and disappointments. All this at the same time has a very bright emotional color, and he gets worse and worse, up to panic attacks and the inability to move his legs.

Naturally, colleagues, relatives and friends learn about the loss. They, of course, always offer help and support. But a person immersed in grief often unconsciously pushes away a helping hand. You must have come across such situations. It is important to understand that a person still needs help. How to help him?

A person in grief - a special approach is needed

It is necessary to support loved ones skillfully. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives such advice.

Be sure to support the person sincerely and wholeheartedly, but do not fall into lamentations like “how are you going to live now?”.

Moreover, if you hear such notes, you need to be very attentive, make mental efforts and try to bring his longing into bright memories.

Do not let the impressionable and emotional owners of the visual vector draw scary pictures in their imagination.

Of course, in the first days he will be immersed in his grief, but later he must be brought out into society. Help him see that someone else is having a harder time than he is.

Those who love to live in memories can express their feelings through memoirs written for posterity about such a wonderful person.

So death is always an occasion to remember the good that was associated with this person. Remember what the departed did in his life, remember joyful, happy moments and understand that a person close to you left his own unique mark in this world.

You can survive the death of a loved one

First of all, if one of your loved ones is suffering from a loss, talking to him, talk about the fact that life goes on and going through hard times is best in society.

After all, the loss of loved ones is a natural and natural stage of life. Life goes on! And only we choose what energy to fill life with: the energy of joy, the light that will remain after us, or longing and grief, when they will shy away from you and try to bypass everyone around.

This is what the participants of the training say, who got rid of pain, and the departure of a loved one became for them a page of bright sadness instead of a terrible and unbearable pain of the heart.

The death of a loved one - a tragedy or a new chord of life?

Man does everything to continue himself in time. And naturally, each of the loved ones leaves their mark. Someone in their children, another in science or art, and some in general leave a deep mark on the soul of all mankind.

The tragedy of the death of a loved one is not the final chord of your life, but an opportunity to think about how your life sounds in the present. Are there any false notes in it, are you doing everything to leave your unique mark on the earth.

Life after death

Life is a cycle of energy, which, as you know, does not disappear without a trace. So there is no real death. The universe is arranged according to the holographic principle. Even from a piece of a small leaf, a holographic trace of the whole leaf remains.

So we do not disappear into nowhere - we leave our mark: both material and spiritual.

Humans are actually much stronger than we think. It is much easier for a person to survive the shock of death when he has something to live for. When there is something that depends only on him, on his efforts and that is much greater than himself. And it is not always children or other relatives, sometimes a person is forced to live by an idea, the embodiment of which is the meaning of his life.

It is possible to get rid of the pain of loss, and most importantly, to survive it without loss to health, when we become aware of the unconscious mechanisms that govern our lives. You can start getting acquainted with these powerful forces, restore their natural balance at the free online training Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Save yourself from suffering and heartache.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

How to survive the death of a loved one?

How to deal with the death of a loved one?
A person died or died after a long illness - almost always for us it is in some sense a sudden death. This is a crisis.
But a crisis is not a disaster. This is the suffering we must go through in order to grow.
A husband, a father died, a wife or mother died, a girl died, a son died, a child died - none of these situations should cause depression, illness. Our loved one, who has passed away, wishes us to maintain courage and strength. And only by saving ourselves, we will be able to help the deceased.

Rakhimova Irina Anatolyevna, psychologist.

When a person experiences the death of a loved one, it is only natural that he suffers. Suffering for many reasons. This is grief for that person, beloved, close, dear, with whom he parted. It happens that self-pity suffocates someone who has lost support in a person who died, passed away. This may be a feeling of guilt due to the fact that a person cannot give him what he would like to give or owe, because he did not consider it necessary at one time to do good and love. Problems arise when we do not let a person go ...

Archimandrite Augustine (Pidanov).

Many grieving people are familiar with the desire to contact the soul of a deceased loved one, some are waiting for this communication in a dream. The rector of the Patriarchal Metochion, the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya, Archimandrite Augustine (Pidanov) reflects on the nature of prophetic dreams, whether it is worth crossing the border of the afterlife, and what you need to know, as well as many other things.

Archpriest Igor Gagarin.

There is a commandment "Do not make yourself an idol." An idol for a person is any value, if it is placed higher than God. And these values can be anything - a husband, a child, a job. That is, if a person has a hierarchy of values, God should be above everything in it, and then everything else. And then you can survive death. Then you will not lose anyone, because in God everything is preserved. All our relatives, friends, they are lost for an unbeliever, they lie in the grave and that's it. And for the believer, they are with God.

Often, after the death of a loved one, people almost cease to be interested in the events of everyday life, mentally plunge into the past and live only in memories. We bring to your attention a new conversation by crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky on the most important topic of what to do in order not to drown in a pit of grief and stop living in the past. It is difficult to overestimate the importance and relevance of this material.

Gnezdilov Andrey Vladimirovich, Doctor of Medical Sciences.

The death of a loved one always comes suddenly, even if you are waiting for it and preparing for it. Woe is too wide to go around, too high to jump over, and too deep to crawl under; one can only go through grief, - says folk wisdom. But how to do that? What do you need to know to deal with it?

Furaeva Svetlana Sergeevna, psychologist.

Shefov Sergey Aleksandrovich, psychologist.

Surviving the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences in a person's life. The realization that a person has died and cannot be brought back to life causes a reaction of grief. When providing psychological assistance to those who have suffered a loss, knowledge of the patterns of experiencing grief helps. On the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, complex process. On the other hand, there are relatively universal stages that it goes through in its course.

Furaeva Svetlana Sergeevna, psychologist.

If you turned to this article, then you or your loved ones in the family had a misfortune - the death of a loved one. If your child, spouse, parent, relative died, a girl died, a friend is always a great grief. The death of a loved one is always a sudden death, even if the person has been seriously ill for a long time. It is impossible to prepare yourself psychologically for this event. Our mind asks questions: “What next?”, “How will I be without him (her)?”. In this article I will try to tell you about the tasks, by solving which you can get answers to such questions.

Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich, crisis psychologist.

In difficult periods of life, almost all people suffer from the invasion of obsessive thoughts. These terrible, nasty, sticky thoughts cling with special force to a person who is experiencing the death of a loved one. So what are they?

Baranchikov Alexander Vladimirovich, psychotherapist.

An interview with a psychotherapist about medications that will support a person in grief and help them survive the death of a loved one. And also about the dangers of inept self-treatment.

Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich, crisis psychologist.

Those who do not believe in the One God and eternal life, as a rule, experience grief very hard. Truly believing people experience grief many times easier.

From the book "The Morning After the Loss" by Bob Dates.

When a person dies, grief is the nuclear energy of our emotions. If you understand it, curb it and direct it, it will become a creative force, help you survive death. But if grief gets out of control, if it is distorted and not understood, it can become a destructive force. Therefore, it is so important to recognize when grief is a healthy process, and when it is distorted. If you have a cold and you are sneezing, you know how to take care of yourself, you don't need a doctor. But if you catch a cold and have pneumonia, it is foolish to refuse the help of a professional. The same is true for grief.

Bishop Hermogenes (Dobronravin).

Consider the reasons that make us shed tears over the ashes of loved ones, and God will help us find this source for ourselves. So, what do we cry about when we are separated from our beloved?

PTSD that accompanies the death of a loved one is called acute grief reaction. This condition is a clinical nosology, it has its own staging, pathogenesis and methods of therapy.

Types of Grief Experience

The loss of a loved one is always unexpected and scary. It does not matter whether the person was ill or his death came suddenly. People who are faced with loss in one way or another are faced with a situation of grief. Everyone experiences grief in different ways, some become isolated and become asocial, while others, on the contrary, strive to go into activities as much as possible so as not to face pain.

It is difficult to define the concept of "normal grief experience", it is a very individual process. However, there is a line after which the post-traumatic stress state becomes a clinical pathology and requires mandatory medical and psychological support.

Psychiatrists and psychologists distinguish two types of post-traumatic state of patients who survived the death of loved ones:

1. Normal acute grief reaction.

2. Pathological reaction of acute grief.

In order to talk about the line between them, it is necessary to understand the clinical course and features of each stage.

Experiencing Natural Grief

The reaction of depression and deep grief associated with the death of a close relative is a normal reaction, it takes place and often, with the free flow with the support of loved ones, a person returns to social life without the help of specialists. There are so-called stages of grief. These are periods characterized by the experience of certain emotions and corresponding behavior. The stages can have different durations and do not always go in order, but they always have a place to be.

I stage of denial- this is the period that comes when news of the death of a loved one arrives. This stage is sometimes called the shock stage. It is characterized by such signs:

disbelief;
anger at the "messenger";
an attempt or desire to change the situation;
challenging the fact of the tragedy;
illogical behavior in relation to the deceased (set the table for him, go to the apartment, buy gifts and call);
talking about a person goes as if he is still alive.

II Stage of Anger- when the awareness of the tragedy reaches close understanding, he begins to be angry at others, at himself, at the whole world for not preventing the loss. This stage is characterized by:

search for the culprit;
antisocial behavior;
isolation from loved ones;
an angry reaction to the neutral or positive states of others.

III Stage of bargaining and compromises- this is the stage when a person begins to think that perhaps there are forces in the world that can “cancel” the death of a close relative, mainly religious rituals and prayers are included here. The grieving seeks compromises with God, tries to "bargain" with him for the opportunity to return a loved one. This stage is usually accompanied by such feelings and actions:

hope for the return of a loved one;
seeking religious support;
turning to religious or occult societies to find an answer to a question;
frequent visits to churches (or other religious centers);
bargaining with death (I'll change if he comes back to life).

IV Depression- when anger and attempts to change the tragic situation pass, when the burden of loss comes to the consciousness of the grieving, the stage of depression begins. This is a long and very difficult period. The period is indicated by such feelings:

feelings of guilt over the death of a loved one;
obsessive thoughts and states;
existential questions (why do people die young?, what is the point of living now?);
insomnia or hypersomnia (increased sleep duration);
lack of appetite or vice versa, pathological "jamming" of grief (anorexic or bulimic experience);
social isolation;
loss of desire and ability to care for oneself and others;
abulia (volitional impotence);
a sense of the meaninglessness of life after the death of a loved one;
fear of loneliness when it is impossible to be in society.

V Acceptance This is the final stage of coming to terms with loss. A person is still in pain, he is fully aware of the significance of the loss, but he is already able to solve everyday problems and get out of isolation, the emotional spectrum expands and activity grows. A person can be sad, afraid, remember the deceased with pain, but he can already be socially active. These are normal symptoms of grief. The stage of depression can last a very long time, but the condition gradually improves. This is the main criterion for the "normality" of mourning. Even just knowing all these steps, you can understand how to survive the death of loved ones safely and completely.

Pathological grief reactions

The main criterion for pathological mourning is the duration, intensity and progression of the stage of depression. Depending on the response to a sad event, they distinguish 4 types of pathological grief reactions:

Delayed mourning - this happens when the reaction to the loss of a loved one is very weak compared to the reaction to everyday petty situations.
Chronic (prolonged) grief is a condition where symptoms do not improve or increase over time and the depression lasts for years. A person loses himself and the ability to take care of himself. Clinical depression sets in.
Exaggerated grief reactions are pathological conditions even for mourning. For example, instead of fear or anxiety, a person develops a phobia or panic attacks develop, instead of anger, attacks of rage appear and attempts to inflict physical harm on oneself or others.
Disguised grief - a person suffers and grieves, but denies involvement in this sad situation. Often this manifests itself in the form of acute psychosomatics (exacerbation or manifestation of diseases).

Help for the grieving

It is very important to understand that any emotional states for a grieving person are indeed variants of the norm. It can be incredibly hard to endure and stay close to the difficult emotional experiences of a person who has lost a loved one. But rehabilitation after the death of a loved one implies support and participation, and not ignoring or devaluing the significance of the loss.

What to do to relatives to help the grieving cope and not harm

It all depends on the stage of experiencing the loss. At the stage of denial, it is very important to respect the right of the mourner to a shock reaction and disbelief. No need to convince him, no need to prove death. A person will come to understanding, but at this moment his psyche is protected from trauma. Otherwise, the reaction will go from normal to pathological, since the psyche will not cope with the amount of loss in a short time. You need to be there and allow you to experience distrust, denial and shock. It is not worth supporting the illusion, and it is not worth denying it either. The anger stage is a normal process. A person has something to be angry about and it is necessary to allow this anger to be. Yes, it is difficult and unpleasant to be the object of aggression. But help after the death of a loved one should consist in accepting any of his normal emotional states. Let it be better accusations, screams and broken dishes than attempts to harm yourself. The stage of bargaining also seems "strange" to the relatives of the grieving, but one must allow the person to bargain and find comfort in faith. If his activity in this direction does not entail leaving for a sect, dangerous rituals or suicide, it is worth allowing a person to be a believer and bargain with God. Depression is a period when loved ones should be especially attentive. This stage is the longest and most difficult.

In no case should you stop tears, devalue the loss (everything will be fine, don't cry, everything is fine). It is important to talk about the loss, talk about its severity and pain, empathize and, in fact, work as an emotional mirror. If loved ones are not able to be around in this way, it is worth contacting a psychologist and allowing a person to safely experience grief. At the stage of acceptance, it is very important to support any new undertakings, plans and positive motives. Both the memory of the deceased and the emphasis on positive experiences are important. If the experience of grief becomes pathological, you should immediately contact a psychotherapist, and if necessary, a psychiatrist.

How to deal with the bereavement of a loved one? And are there ways to forget about the grief that happened and return to normal life? Many people ask this question because they want to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But one cannot do without valuable recommendations from experienced psychologists.

It is unlikely that there will be a person on this planet who wants grief, troubles, problems to be present in his life. But, alas, fate does not bypass anyone and it has everything - joy, sadness, fun, and grief.

A person who has not survived a single black day in his life is a real lucky one. Of course, there are such types for whom troubles, problems and the loss of loved ones are an empty phrase. But, fortunately, there are a small number of those among us. Most likely, they have, because otherwise their position is simply impossible to explain. Even the most terrible tyrants of the planet were afraid that something might happen to their loved ones and relatives. And if this happened, they suffered just as much as all ordinary people.

Experiencing a terrible moment, everyone behaves differently. Some suffer greatly, ready to take their own lives. The other endures the ups and downs of fate and tries to survive no matter what. The first is in dire need of psychological help. After all, it is not in vain that after the crash of planes, ships, major car accidents and other tragedies, experienced psychotherapists and psychologists come to relatives and friends of the missing, the dead.

Simply without them, a person does not know what to do with his grief. He is detached, only one thing sounds in his head: “How to live on?”, “This is the end of everything!” and other dramatic phrases. Specialists in human psychology may not always be around. Therefore, we invite our readers to study how a person experiences suffering and how he can be helped.

Symptoms of human grief

When someone leaves us and goes to another world, we mourn and mourn the loss. There is a feeling that it makes no sense to live on, or that something important, irreplaceable has gone without the presence of the dearly departed for us. Someone suffers for several days, other weeks, third months.

But there is a loss that is mourned for a lifetime. And the well-known saying “Time heals!” not always appropriate. How can a wound heal from the loss of a child, a loved one, a brother, a sister? It's impossible! It seems to tighten a little on top, but continues to bleed inside.

But grief also has its own peculiarities. It all depends on the type of character of a person, his psyche, the quality of relations with those who left this world. After all, we have repeatedly noticed a strange phenomenon. A woman's child dies, and she runs around the markets, buys food in order to arrange a wake, goes to the cemetery, picks up a place, etc. It feels like this moment is the same as the others - when you had to organize an event. The only difference is that she is wearing a black headscarf and is sad.

But do not immediately accuse such women of "thick-skinned." Psychologists have a term "delayed, delayed grief." That is, some people it overtakes not immediately. To understand how human grief manifests itself, let's study its symptoms:

A sharp change in the state of the psyche - a person is absorbed in the image of the deceased. He moves away from others, feels himself in unreality, the speed of emotional reaction increases. In short, this is an alienated, poorly thinking and constantly thinking about the departed person.
physical problems. There is exhaustion of strength, it is difficult to get up, walk, breathe, the sufferer constantly sighs, he has no appetite.
Feeling guilty. When a loved one leaves, suffering after him, he constantly thinks about what he could have saved, did not do everything that was in his power, was inattentive to him, rude, etc. He constantly analyzes his actions and looks for confirmation that there was an opportunity to bypass death.
Hostility. When a loved one is lost, a person can become angry. He does not tolerate society, does not want to see anyone, answers questions rudely, impudently. He can even lash out at children who pester with questions. Of course, this is wrong, but it is not worth judging him. Therefore, it is important that at such moments relatives are nearby and help to cope with household chores and children.
Habitual behavior is changing. If earlier a person was calm, collected, then at the moment of difficulties he can start to fuss, do everything wrong, disorganized, talk a lot, or vice versa, constantly be silent.
Adopted manner. After the death of a long-sick person, his relatives, especially those who were at the bedside of the deceased, adopt his character traits, habits, movements, up to the symptoms.
With the loss of a person dear to the heart, everything changes. The colors of life, nature, the world from bright and colorful turn into gray, black tones. The psychological atmosphere, the space in which there is no deceased, becomes small, insignificant. No one wants to hear or see. After all, no one around understands what really happened for the sufferer. Everyone tries to calm, distract, gives advice. There is simply not enough strength to fight everything.
Also, at the moment of suffering, the psychological time space is compressed. It is impossible to think about what will happen in the future. In normal times, we draw pictures in our minds that we expect from the future. And in such difficult moments, they simply do not arise, and if thoughts about the past come, then the one who was lost necessarily appears in them. As for the present time, the sufferer does not think about it - it simply does not make sense. Rather, it is a black moment, which you don’t want to remember. The only thing a person desires in moments of grief is “I would rather wake up from this nightmare. It feels like I'm having a terrible dream."

In cases where the loss of a spouse occurs, the man left alone goes into his own world and he does not have the slightest desire to communicate with neighbors, friends, friends. In his heart, he believes that no one is able to understand what the power of loss is. Men are taught from childhood to be restrained, not to show their emotions. Therefore, he rushes about, cannot find a place for himself. Most often, in such situations, the stronger sex plunges headlong into work, and in such a way that there is no “trace” left of free time.

Women who have lost their husbands grieve and suffer. They literally have a wet pillow, because there is no longer the one whom they loved, with whom they shared both joy and sadness. She remains without support - how to continue to live, who will be my support. And if it is also a family with children, then a woman goes into a real panic - “the breadwinner left, how can I raise the children now? What to feed them? What to wear? Etc.

Stages of grief

When loss comes, we experience shock. Even if the deceased was ill for a long time, was very old, we still do not agree in our hearts with his departure. And this is explained very simply.

None of us still understands the nature of death. After all, each of us asked the question “Why are we born, if in any case we die? And why is death present if a person could continue to enjoy life? We are even more frightened by the fear of death - no one has ever returned from there and told us what death is, what a person feels at the moment of leaving for another world, what awaits him there.

So, initially we experience a shock, then, realizing that a person has died, we still cannot come to terms with it. But this does not mean that we are unable to do anything. We have already talked about the fact that some quite calmly organize a funeral, a commemoration. And from the outside it seems that the person is very persistent and has a strong will. In fact, he is in a state of stupor. There is confusion in his head and he does not know what is happening around and how to accept what has happened.

In psychology, there is a term "depersonalization". Some, in moments of loss, seem to renounce themselves and look at what is happening as if from the outside. A person does not feel his personality, and everything that happens around him does not concern him, and in general, all this is unreal.
Some people immediately cry and sob when grief sets in. This can last up to a week, but then they realize what really happened. Here panic attacks come into play, which are difficult to cope with - you need a psychologist, the help of relatives.

As a rule, the acute feeling of loss, grief lasts from about five weeks to three months, and for some, as we already know, grief becomes a companion for their lives. As for the majority who experience grief for several months, they experience the following phenomena:

Longing, strong cravings and constant thoughts about the deceased, all this is accompanied by tears. Almost everyone who mourns the loss has dreams in which the dead person necessarily appears. In wakefulness, visual fragments often appear in thoughts in which the deceased says something, does something, laughs, jokes. Initially, the sufferer constantly cries, but over time, the suffering gradually disappears and calms down.

Faith in the non-existent. A frequent companion of moments of grief experience are illusions created by the sufferer himself. A suddenly opened window, noise, a fallen photo frame due to a draft and other phenomena are perceived as signs and it is often said that the deceased is walking, does not want to “leave”.

The whole reason is that most do not want to "let go" of the deceased and hope to keep in touch with him. The belief that the deceased is still nearby is so strong that auditory and visual hallucinations occur. It seems that the deceased said something, went into another room, and even turned on the stove. Often people begin to talk with the object of their suffering imagination, they ask something and it seems to them that the dead person answers them.

Depression. In almost half of those who have lost a loved one, dear to the heart and soul of a person, a common symptomatic triad occurs: mood is suppressed, sleep is disturbed, and tearfulness sets in. They can sometimes be joined by such symptoms as a sharp and severe weight loss, fatigue, anxiety, fear, indecision, meaninglessness of being, a complete loss of interest, a strong sense of guilt.

That is, all these are signs of a banal one, from which it will be quite difficult to get out yourself. The fact is that a depressive state can occur due to insufficient production of hormones of joy and pleasure. A severe loss can provoke such a condition, then depression occurs, which can be treated with special methods and drugs.

Often, when a very dear and beloved person passes away, someone close may experience strong feelings of anxiety. Loss of the meaning of life and fear of living without the only one. A powerful sense of guilt, a desire to be closer to your beloved (lover) and other moments can lead to thoughts of suicide. Most often, the symptoms are indicative of widows. They suffer for a long time and for six months, their anxieties, fears, grief can triple.

There is a type of people who become very energetic after a bereavement. They are constantly “on their feet”, cooking, cleaning, driving, doing different work. That is, one can say about them "cannot sit still." Some women, after the departure of their husband, can visit his grave every day and call him back. Look at the images, think and remember the old days.

This can last from several months to years. In the cemetery there is always one or more graves with fresh flowers every day. This suggests that the person continues to mourn the departed even after years.

Also, do not be surprised that after the death of a loved one, the sufferer becomes angry. This is especially true for parents who have lost their child. They blame the doctors for everything, get angry with God and claim that their child could have been saved. In this case, you need to be patient and wise, and by about six months after the loss, people calm down and pull themselves together.

Reaction to loss - atypical symptoms

Strange, inappropriate types of reactions are more likely to occur with loss in women. Men are more persistent and reserved. No, this does not mean that they are not worried, they just keep everything “in themselves”. An atypical reaction occurs immediately:

torpor lasts about 15-20 days, and the general stage of suffering can last more than a year with a severe course;
pronounced alienation, a person cannot work and constantly thinks about suicide. There is no way to accept the loss and come to terms with it;
a powerful sense of guilt and incredible hostility to everyone around “sits” in a person. Hypochondria similar to that of the deceased may develop. With an atypical reaction, the risk of suicide within a year after the loss can increase two and a half times. It is especially necessary to be close to the suffering on the anniversary of death. There is also a high risk of death from somatic diseases within six months after the death of a person.

Atypical symptoms of grief also include a delayed reaction to a sad event. Complete denial that the person died, the imaginary absence of suffering and experiences.

An atypical reaction does not occur just like that and it is due to the characteristics of the human psyche and circumstances such as:

The death of a loved one came suddenly, because it was not expected.
The sufferer did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased in order to fully express his grief.
Relations with another person who had gone into the world were difficult, hostile, and sharp.
Death touched the child.
A suffering person has already suffered a severe loss, and most likely a sad event happened in childhood.
There is no support when there are no relatives nearby, who can lend a shoulder, distract a little and even help physically with organizing a funeral, etc.

How to survive grief

Immediately you need to decide - you or your loved one experienced grief, and if misfortune touched you, then evaluate your condition. Yes, the death of a dear person is the worst thing that can happen in this life, but you still need to live on, no matter how trite it may sound. "What for? What's the point?". This question is asked by those who have lost their own child, loved one, loved one. Here, most likely, the following moment will help.

We all believe in God. And even those who consider themselves an atheist still hope in their hearts that there are higher forces, thanks to which life began on the planet. So, according to the Bible (and it does not teach anything bad, it contains a lot of useful information), people go to heaven or hell. But even if he has many mortal sins, after his death, he goes through the stages of purification and still ends up in paradise as a result.

That is, everything suggests that death is not the end, but rather the beginning. Therefore, it is important to pull yourself together and live. Go to church, because the Lord does not wish bad for anyone. Pray, ask for help, ask for it sincerely - and you will be shocked by what begins to happen in your soul.

Don't be alone. So you will suffer much less. Chat with friends. It will be difficult at first, but over time everything will go back to normal. Communicating with those who have also experienced a loss is especially effective. You will be given useful advice on what to do, how to behave, where to go, what to visit, read, watch, so that the pain goes away little by little. You will understand that all the moments that you had after the loss - a strong sense of guilt, a desire to part with life, hatred of others are inherent in other people, you are no exception.

Traditional Treatments

And now to practical advice. In the event that a person has a serious form of an atypical reaction, it is necessary to consult a specialist. This will require both cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication - sedatives, antidepressants, etc. Thanks to the sessions of a psychotherapist, the patient goes through the stages of his grief from beginning to end (no matter how difficult it may be). And, in the end, he realizes what happened and comes to terms with it.

Many of us do not want to get rid of the state of grief. Some believe that in this way they remain faithful to the departed, and if they begin to live, they will betray them. This is not true! On the contrary, remember how the one who went to another world treated you. Surely he would be pleased to look at your long suffering. One hundred percent, he (she) would want you to enjoy life and have fun. They simply did not forget about the dead and honored their memory, and if you have mental problems after the death of a loved one, then consult a doctor and recover from pain.

In our suffering, we show our selfishness most of all. And let's think - maybe there is a person next to us who suffers no less than yours, and maybe more. Look around, be close to those with whom you are obliged to share grief. So there will be more of you and it will become much easier to resist problems, bouts of pain, anger, sadness, anger.

For those who witnessed the grief of a person, certain steps also need to be taken, and not to contemplate suffering with indifference.

Help physically, because funerals, suffering take a lot of strength. Therefore, it is important to help a person put things in order in the house. Buy groceries, walk animals, chat with children, etc.
The sufferer should not be allowed to be alone, except in exceptional moments. Do all the things with him - let him be distracted.
Try to take him outside, communicate, but do not be too intrusive. The main thing for you to know is that everything is in order with him physically, but there is no need to talk about moral yet.
No need to force a person to restrain himself, if tears flow, let him cry.
If the sufferer becomes numb, give a light slap in the face. He needs to throw out the pain that quietly, silently destroys him from the inside. If this is not done, a powerful nervous breakdown is possible. There were times when in this state a person simply went crazy.
Change the course of his mood, if he is constantly crying - shout at him, accuse him of what. Remember some nonsense because of which you held a grudge against him. If there are no such memories, invent them. And most importantly - arrange a tantrum, a scandal and partially switch the thoughts of the sufferer to your problems. Then calm down, apologize.
Talk to him about the one who died. A person needs to speak out, it will be easier for him if someone listens to his memories of the deceased.
Conversations on any topic should be interesting for you. So, from day to day, first short, then longer moments will arise, at which the sufferer will begin to forget about pain. In time, life will take its toll and grief will be endured.
When communicating, do not interrupt a friend, now his mental state is important, and not your difficulties and problems.
Do not take it into your head to be offended if your sad interlocutor suddenly becomes angry or does not want to communicate with you anymore. Here the fault is not in him, but in his wounded psyche. He (she) will have many more moments with sharp mood swings, sadness, longing and unwillingness to see anyone. Be patient and wait a bit, then, after a couple of days, as if nothing had happened, visit a friend again for a fictitious occasion.

The loss of a person is the worst thing that can happen in our life, and no matter how indignant we are about this, no one can change the course of fate. But we can do something else - to remain human even in moments of the strongest grief. Save your "face", continue to adhere to the moral principles and ethics. After all, no one around is to blame for the fact that a tragic event happened to you.

All for now.
Sincerely, Vyacheslav.