How to support with words when a brother died. How to delicately express condolences on the death of a loved one. What phrases are better not to pronounce at all

How to support a bereaved person?

Or maybe there are things that are not worth talking about? How to support the grieving, what needs to be said, and what words are completely inappropriate? Read more…

How to support with words?

It all depends on how the person feels at the moment. And in order to understand this, sensitivity is needed. Therefore, first of all, show participation, listen, try to tune in to the emotions of the mourner.

Attention! You need to understand what the grieving person is feeling right now, only then will you find the right words.

Words that act like a balm:

1. If a person feels guilty, you can say: “You are not omnipotent, you are not God” or “It is impossible to foresee everything.”
2. If the person is self-absorbed or self-indulgent, say: “I can’t imagine how you feel right now, I don’t know what I would do in your place” or “You are very courageous, holding on with all your might.” Such phrases sound like hidden praise, and this is powerful support.
3. If a person cries, then say: “You are doing the right thing, cry, your soul will feel better.” It is these words that will help the grieving person get emotional release, and this is the first step towards healing.
4. Sometimes silence can support better than any words. Just stay close, be quiet, sympathize. This will provide you with invaluable assistance.

Sometimes it is very useful just to talk about the deceased. Of course, if a person wants it.

Go towards him, listen, show that you accept him for who he is, along with his grief, tears and despair.

Reference! Those who have been in a similar situation know how difficult it is to listen to these outpourings. But it is precisely this kind of support that is of particular value.

Watch a video in which a psychologist tells how to support a person whose loved one has died:

Stages of grief

As you know, the state of grief is divided into several stages and each of them requires a special approach and suitable words.

The first stage is shock:

• In this state, a person arrives in a stupor, does not feel anything, is poorly aware of what is happening.
• Sometimes he behaves inappropriately and talks about the dead as if he were alive.

Don't let that scare you, it's temporary. At this stage, it's best to just be there, just say, "I'm with you." And that will be enough. Now it is better to speak strictly on the merits and not to touch upon the subject of death.

Important! If you are close to the bereaved, forget about SMS, Skype, and telephone condolences. They will never replace warmth and support.

The second stage is despair or aggression.

During this period, the meaning of what is happening begins to reach a person, a feeling of loss appears. Know that you will never fully understand the state of the mourner, and do not try.

If the grieving person behaves aggressively, try to treat this with understanding, because his psyche is now under heavy stress. Here the words would be appropriate: "I am near and not at all offended by you." Ingoda is appropriate to say "I love you".

The third stage is depression and depression.

It comes after the stage of aggression and tantrums has passed.

The third stage is characterized by:

• general weakness,
• apathy,
• unwillingness to live.

And this is the beginning of the transition to normal life. At this stage, it is advisable to be interested in the wishes of the mourner, cry or laugh with him. Discussions on abstract topics will be appropriate here. Try to involve him in the whirlpool of events, find urgent matters.

The fourth stage is the return to the real world.

At this stage, a person tries to return to normal life, renew old connections, his life enters into a familiar rhythm. If you see that he is “ready to go out”, it is quite appropriate to arrange a meeting with old friends, go to a party (if appropriate) or go out into nature.

Now a person needs communication like air. Do not try to behave "correctly", focus on the situation.

Important! There are people who, in moments of grief, prefer loneliness, respect their choice. Do not impose and do not try to "do good", otherwise it will only get worse.

Watch a video where a psychologist describes the stages of grief:

What shouldn't be said?

If you really sympathize, never say:

1. Common and Template Phrases such as: “If necessary, please contact”, “How can I help”, “Condolences”, etc. By themselves, such expressions suggest that the person will refuse your help, they are formal and meaningless.
2. Like fire, avoid the phrases “Everything will be fine”, “Time heals”, “Everything will pass”, etc. Such expressions are annoying and bring nothing but resentment.
3. In no case don't make the person stop crying or "pull yourself together." Trust is the worst thing to say. As a rule, such words are insincere, they feel concern for themselves, and not for others.
4. Never refer to the future, phrases like: “everything will get better”, “you will find another” (if the husband has died), “you will give birth again” (if the child has died) are unacceptable! Think for yourself how cruel that sounds. Such expressions look like a mockery.
5. Don't talk about alternatives. If there was a disaster, then words like: “Well, at least the children were not injured” or something like that would be completely inappropriate. This will only show that the feelings of the mourner are indifferent to you. After all, children cannot replace a deceased father, mother or wife.
6. Remove any “if only” from the entire lexicon. In such words, there is a reference to the past, a hint that everything could be different. Such words will bring nothing but additional injury. After all, they feel a hint that the grieving is to blame for what happened. Do not inspire a person with guilt, he is already so bad.
7. Avoid any condemnation of those who are allegedly to blame for what happened. Even sat down the fault of a third party is proven, and you are 100% sure of it. Do not show solidarity and do not call for punishment on the heads of the guilty. This will not alleviate the pain of loss and will not return the deceased. Such words only incite hatred for the guilty, and this does not contribute to consolation.
8. Don't draw any parallels. Do not compare the mourner's feelings with your own feelings or with the feelings of others. You cannot know what a person is feeling at the moment, how deep his grief is and what is happening to him now. Even if you yourself have experienced this, you cannot know for sure what is happening in the soul of another.

Important! If you really want to provide moral support, you'll have to hide your emotions and stand firm. Do not become limp, do not fall into hysterics, if necessary, take a sedative. Remember - at this moment you are the support!

He was a man of great soul. We sincerely sympathize with you!

He meant a lot to me in my life. I grieve with you!

He left so much of his soul in all of us! It's forever as long as we're alive!

Our whole family sympathizes with your grief. Condolences ... Be strong!

His role in my life is huge! How small those disagreements that were, and the good and the deeds that he did for me, I will never forget. Condolences to you!

What a loss! God's man! I pray for him, I pray for all of you!

What a pity that I did not have time to say “I'm sorry!” to him. He opened a new world for me, and I will always remember this! Sincere condolences!

I mourn your loss. I know it's a hard blow for you

We offer our sincere condolences to all family and friends

I was told that your brother is dead. I am very sorry, I mourn with you.

A wonderful person is gone. My condolences to you and your entire family at this sad and difficult time.

This tragedy has hurt us all. But of course, it affected you the most. My condolences

I understand how hard it is to lose a loved one. I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help you now?

Sincere condolences to family and friends. Big loss for us. Her memory will be in our hearts. We grieve with our families.

Please accept our sincere condolences. May God reward her in heaven for all the good that she did. She is and will remain in our hearts.

We bring you and your entire family our deep condolences in connection with the tragic death ... We share your grief and turn to you words of support and consolation. We pray for the deceased ... With condolences, ...

Sincere condolences to the family and friends of the untimely departed from our entire family. It is very bitter to lose your loved ones, relatives and friends, and it is doubly bitter if young, beautiful and talented people leave us. God rest his soul.

Everyone who knew him is grieving now, because such a tragedy cannot leave anyone indifferent. I understand how hard it is for you right now. I will never be able to forget him and I assure you that I will support you in every possible way, as soon as you contact me.

We grieve with you for the untimely departed. This is a great loss for everyone, we express our sincere condolences to the parents, all relatives and friends. May the Lord bless his soul.

They say that grandchildren are loved even more than their children. And we fully felt this love of our grandmother. Her love will warm us all our lives, and we, in turn, will pass on a particle of this warmth to our grandchildren and great-grandchildren - may the sun of love never fade ...

There is nothing more terrible and painful than the loss of a child. It is impossible to find such words of support to alleviate your pain even a little bit. You can only guess how hard it is for you right now. Please accept our sincere condolences on the death of your dear daughter.

Even if I didn’t know your father very well personally, but I know how much he meant in your life, because you so often talked about his love of life, sense of humor, wisdom, caring for you ... I think a lot of people will miss him. I pray to God for you and your family.

There are no words to express how deeply we mourn death. She was a wonderful, kind woman. We can't even imagine how much of a blow her departure has been for you. We miss her endlessly and remember how she once ... . She was a model of tact and mercy. We are happy to have her in our lives. You can count on our help at any moment.

I sincerely regret the loss of your dad. I express my sincere sympathy to all of you and I know that this is a very sad and sad time for you. I know from my life how deep the loss is when you realize that he will no longer be in your life. I can tell you, the only thing that can help you get over your loss is your memories. Your father lived a long and fulfilling life and achieved a lot in his life. He will always be remembered as a hardworking, intelligent and loving person. My thoughts and prayers will be with you all. I wish you find solace in your family and friends who share your loss. My deepest condolences.

I am shocked by this sad news. It's hard to accept it. I share your pain of loss...

My heart is broken by yesterday's news. I worry with you and remember with the warmest words! It's hard to accept the loss! Everlasting memory!

The news of the death of a brother is a terrible blow! It hurts to think that we won't see him again. Please accept our condolences to your husband!

Until now, the news about the death of an aunt seems like a ridiculous mistake! It is impossible to comprehend it! Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss!

My condolences! It hurts to even think about it, it's hard to talk about it. I sympathize with your pain! Everlasting memory!

It's hard to put into words how we feel for your loss! Golden man, what a few! We will always remember him!

“This is an incredible, catastrophic loss. The loss of a real person, an idol, an exemplary family man and a citizen of his country "

We empathize with your loss! The news of my son's death shocked our entire family. We remember and will remember him as a worthy person. Please accept our sincere condolences!

Little consolation, but know that we are with you in the grief of the loss of your daughter and sincerely empathize with your entire family! Everlasting memory!

Words cannot express all the pain and sadness. Like a bad dream. Eternal rest to your soul.

This terrible news shocked me. For me, she is a hospitable hostess, a kind woman, but for you ... The loss of your mother ... I sympathize with you so much and cry with you!

We are very, very upset, beyond words! It is hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is a grief for which there is no cure. Please accept our sincere condolences for your loss!

She was a model of delicacy and tact. Her memory will be as endless as her kindness to all of us. Leaving ..... is an incomparable grief. Please accept my deepest condolences!

Woe, nothing compares! And I have no words to ease your pain. But I know she wouldn't want to see you despair. Be strong! Tell me, what could I take on these days?

We are happy that we knew her. Her kind disposition and generosity surprised us all, and this is how she will be remembered! It is difficult to express our grief in words - it is too great. Let the kindest memories and bright memory of her be at least a small consolation!

The news of her passing came as a shock to us. We can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. At such moments, we feel abandoned, but remember that you have friends who loved and appreciated your ...... Count on our help!

Words cannot heal a terrible wound in the heart. But the bright memories of her, how honestly and worthily she lived her life, will always be stronger than death. In the bright memory of her, we are forever with you!

Losing loved ones is very hard ... And the loss mother (daughter, son)- this is the loss of a part of yourself ... She will always be missed, but may the memory of her and warmth be with you always!

Words cannot heal this wound of loss. But the bright memory of her, who lived her life honestly and with dignity, will be stronger than death. We are with you in the eternal memory of her!

Her whole life was spent in countless labors and worries. Such a heartfelt and sincere woman, we will remember her forever!

Without parents, without mother, there is no one between us and the grave. May wisdom and perseverance help you get through these most difficult days. Hold on!

With her gone a model of virtue! But she will remain a guiding light for all of us who remember her, love and honor her.

It is for her that kind words can be dedicated: “The one whose actions and deeds came from the soul, from the heart.” May the earth rest in peace!

The life she has lived has a name: Virtue. She is a source of life, faith and love for loving children and grandchildren. The Kingdom of heaven!

How much we did not tell her during her lifetime!

Please accept my sincere condolences! What a man! As she lived modestly and quietly, she left humbly, as if a candle had gone out.

We are deeply saddened by the news of the death of your .... He (a) was a just and strong man, a faithful and sensitive friend. We knew him well and loved him like a brother (sister).

Our family mourns with you. The loss of such a reliable support in life is irreparable. But remember that we will be honored to help you at any moment when you need it.

My condolences! The death of a beloved husband is the loss of yourself. Hold on, these are the hardest days! We grieve with your grief, we are near ...

Today, all who knew him mourn with you. This tragedy leaves no one indifferent. I will never forget my friend, and I consider it a duty to him to support you on any occasion, if you contact me.

I am so sorry that my brother and I had disagreements at one time. But I have always appreciated and respected him as a person. I apologize for the moments of pride and offer you my help. Today and always.

Thanks to your statements about....., it seems to me that I have always known him. Condolences to you on the death of such a loved one and such a soul close to you! Rest in peace…

I sincerely regret the loss of your dad. This is a very sad and sad time for you. But good memories are what will help to survive this loss. Your father lived a long and bright life and achieved success and respect in it. We also join the words of grief of friends and memories of him.

I sincerely condole with you ... What a person, what a scale of personality! He deserves more words than can now be said. In the memories of grandfather - he is our teacher of justice and mentor in life. Eternal memory to him!

Your shock from the onset of loneliness is a severe shock. But you have the strength to overcome grief and continue what he did not have time to do. We are nearby, and we will help in everything - contact us! It is our duty to remember!

We grieve with you at this difficult moment! He is the kindest person, without silver, he lived for his neighbors. We empathize with your loss and are with you in the kindest and brightest memories of your husband.

We are sorry for your loss! We sympathize - the loss is irreparable! Mind, iron will, honesty and justice… — we were lucky to work with such a friend and colleague! How much we would like to ask for forgiveness from him, but it's too late ... Eternal memory to a mighty man!

Mom, we mourn and cry with you! Our sincere gratitude from children and grandchildren and warm memories of a good father and good grandfather! Our memory of him will be eternal!

Blessed are those whose memory will be as bright as his. We will remember and love him forever. Be strong! It would be easier for him if he knew that you could handle all this. Condolences to you! Through life hand in hand, and this bitter loss went to you. It is necessary, it is necessary to find the strength in oneself to survive these most difficult minutes and difficult days. He will remain in our memory forever.

Did your girlfriend, friend or stranger have a misfortune? Do you want to support and comfort him, but you do not know how best to do this? What words can be spoken and what should not? Passion.ru will tell you how to provide moral support to a person in a difficult situation.

Grief is a human reaction that occurs as a result of some kind of loss, for example, after the death of a loved one.

4 stages of grief

A person experiencing grief goes through 4 stages:

• shock phase. Lasts from a few seconds to several weeks. It is characterized by disbelief in everything that happens, insensitivity, low mobility with periods of hyperactivity, loss of appetite,.
• phase of suffering. Lasts 6 to 7 weeks. It is characterized by weakened attention, inability to concentrate, impaired memory, sleep. Also, a person experiences constant anxiety, a desire to retire, lethargy. There may be pain in the stomach and a sensation of a lump in the throat. If a person is experiencing the death of a loved one, then during this period he can idealize the deceased or, on the contrary, experience anger, rage, irritation or guilt towards him.
• Acceptance phase ends a year after the loss of a loved one. It is characterized by the restoration of sleep and appetite, the ability to plan one's activities taking into account the loss. Sometimes a person still continues to suffer, but attacks occur less and less.
• recovery phase begins after a year and a half, grief is replaced by sadness and a person begins to relate to the loss more calmly.

Is it necessary to console a person? Undoubtedly, yes. If the victim is not helped, then this can lead to infectious, accidents, depression. Psychological help is priceless, so support your loved one as much as you can. Interact with him, communicate. Even if it seems to you that the person does not listen to you or does not show attention - do not worry. The time will come when he will remember you with gratitude.

Should you console unfamiliar people? If you feel enough moral strength and desire to help, do it. If a person does not push you away, does not run away, does not scream, then you are doing everything right. If you are not sure that you can comfort the victim, find someone who can do it.

Is there a difference in comforting familiar and unfamiliar people? Actually - no. The only difference is that you know one person more than the other. Once again, if you feel the strength in yourself, then help. Stay close, talk, involve in common activities. Do not be greedy for help, it is never superfluous.

So, let's look at the methods of psychological support in the two most difficult stages of experiencing grief.

shock phase

Your behavior:

• Don't leave the person alone.
• Gently touch the victim. You can take the hand, put your hand on the shoulder, relatives can be stroked on the head, hug. Watch the victim's reaction. Does he accept your touch, does he repel you? If repels - do not impose, but do not leave.
• Make sure that the comforted person rests more, does not forget about meals.
• Keep the casualty busy with simple activities, such as some sort of funeral arrangements.
• Listen actively. A person can say strange things, repeat himself, lose the thread of the story, and then return to emotional experiences. Refuse advice and recommendations. Listen carefully, ask clarifying questions, talk about how you understand it. Help the victim to simply speak out his feelings and pain - he will immediately feel better.

Your words:

• Talk about the past in past tense.
• If you know the deceased, tell something nice about him.

Can't say:

• “You can’t recover from such a loss”, “Only time heals”, “You are strong, be strong”. These phrases can cause additional suffering to a person and increase his loneliness.
• “God’s will for everything” (helps only deeply believing people), “Was exhausted”, “He will be better there”, “Forget about it”. Such phrases can greatly hurt the victim, because they sound like a hint to reason with their feelings, not to experience them, or even completely forget about their grief.
• “You are young, beautiful, you will get married / have a baby.” Such phrases can cause irritation. A person experiences a loss in the present, he has not yet recovered from it. And he is invited to dream.
• “Now, if the ambulance arrived on time”, “Now, if the doctors paid more attention to her”, “Now, if I didn’t let him in.” These phrases are empty and do not carry any benefit. Firstly, history does not tolerate the subjunctive mood, and secondly, such expressions only increase the bitterness of loss.
  

  Your behavior:

• In this phase, the victim can already be given the opportunity to be alone from time to time.
• Give the victim more water. He should drink up to 2 liters per day.
• Organize physical activity for him. For example, take him for a walk, do physical work around the house.
• If the victim wants to cry, do not interfere with him to do it. Help him cry. - Cry with him.
• If it does, don't interfere.

Your words:

• If your ward wants to talk about the deceased, bring the conversation to the realm of feelings: “You are very sad/lonely”, “You are very confused”, “You cannot describe your feelings”. Talk about how you feel.
• Tell me that this suffering is not forever. And loss is not a punishment, but a part of life.
• Do not avoid talking about the deceased if there are people in the room who are extremely worried about this loss. The tactful avoidance of these topics hurts more than the mention of the tragedy.

Can't say:

• “Stop crying, pull yourself together”, “Stop suffering, everything is over” - this is tactless and harmful to psychological health.
• "And someone is worse off than you." Such topics can help parting, but not the death of a loved one. You cannot compare the grief of one person with the grief of another. Comparative conversations can give the person the impression that you don't care about their feelings.

It makes no sense to tell the victim: “If you need help, contact / call me” or ask him “How can I help you?” A person experiencing grief may simply not have the strength to pick up the phone, call and ask for help. He may also forget about your offer.

To prevent this from happening, come and sit with him. As soon as the grief subsides a little - take him for a walk, take him to the store or to the cinema with him. Sometimes it has to be done by force. Don't be afraid to be intrusive. Time will pass, and he will appreciate your help.

How to support a person if you are far away?

Call him. If he does not answer, leave a message on the answering machine, write sms or e-mail. Express condolences, report your feelings, share memories that characterize the departed from the brightest sides.

Remember that it is necessary to help a person survive grief, especially if this is a person close to you. In addition, it will help to survive the loss not only to him. If the loss touched you too, by helping another, you yourself will be able to experience grief more easily, with less loss to your own mental state. And it will also save you from feelings of guilt - you will not reproach yourself for the fact that you could help, but did not, shrugging off other people's troubles and problems.

Olga VOSTOCHNAYA,
psychologist

Patriarch Kirill expresses condolences to the families and friends of those killed in the plane crash in Egypt
Russian passenger plane crashed in Egypt. Please pray!
There is none, death. There is life here and there!

A person has grief. The man has lost a loved one. What to say to him? The most common words that first come to mind are
Be strong!
Hold on!
Take heart!
My condolences!
Something to help?
Oh, what a horror ... Well, you hold on.
What else is there to say? There is nothing to console, we will not return the loss. Hold on friend! Further, it is also not clear what to do - whether to support this topic (what if a person is even more painful from continuing the conversation), or change it to a neutral one ...
These words are not spoken out of indifference. Only for the lost person life stopped and time stopped, but for the rest - life goes on, but how else? It is terrible to hear about our grief, but our life goes on as usual. But sometimes you want to ask again - what to hold on to? Even faith in God is difficult to hold on to, because along with the loss, the desperate “Lord, Lord, why did you leave me?”


The second group of valuable advice to the mourner is much worse than all these endless “hold on!”.
“You should be glad that you had such a person and such love in your life!”
“Do you know how many infertile women would dream of being a mother for at least 5 years!”
“Yes, he finally got tired! How he suffered here, and that’s all - he doesn’t suffer anymore!
Can't be happy. This will be confirmed by everyone who buried their beloved 90-year-old grandmother, for example. Matushka Adriana (Malysheva) passed away at 90. She was on the verge of death more than once, for the whole last year she was seriously and painfully ill. She asked the Lord more than once to take her away as soon as possible. All her friends saw her not so often - a couple of times a year at best. Most have only known her for a couple of years. When she left, despite all this, we were orphaned ...


Death is not to be celebrated at all. Death is the most terrible and evil evil.
And Christ overcame it, but so far we can only believe in this victory, while we, as a rule, do not see it.
By the way, Christ did not call to rejoice in death - he wept when he heard about the death of Lazarus, and resurrected the son of the widow of Nain.
And “death is a gain,” the apostle Paul said about himself, and not about others, “for ME life is Christ, and death is a gain.”


You are strong!
How is he holding up!
How strong she is!
You are strong, you endure everything so courageously ...
If a person who has experienced a loss does not cry at the funeral, does not moan and does not kill himself, but is calm and smiles, he is not strong. He is still in the most intense phase of stress. When he starts crying and screaming, it means that the first stage of stress passes, he feels a little better.
There is such an accurate description in Sokolov-Mitrich's report about the relatives of the Kursk crew:
“We were accompanied by several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance made them doubt their involvement in the tragedy: they smiled. And when we had to push a bus that had gone awry, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the Committee of Soldiers’ Mothers?” I asked. "No, we are relatives."
In the evening of the same day, I met with military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those who died on Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a heartbroken person is called "unconscious psychological defense." On the plane, on which relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, having entered the cabin, was happy as a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly in an airplane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very ill.
- We are going to Ruzlev Sasha ... Senior midshipman ... 24 years old, second compartment, - after the word “compartment”, the women sobbed. - And this is his father, he lives here, also a submariner, sailed all his life. The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don't ask him anything, please."
Are there those who hold on well and don't sink into this black and white world of grief? Do not know. But if a person “holds on”, then, most likely, he needs and will need spiritual and psychological support for a long time to come. All the hardest may be ahead.


Orthodox arguments
Thank God you now have a guardian angel in heaven!
Your daughter is now an angel, cheers, she is in the Kingdom of Heaven!
Your wife is now closer to you than ever!
I remember a colleague was at the funeral of a friend's daughter. A colleague - a non-church one - was horrified by the godmother of that little girl who burned down from leukemia: “Imagine, she minted in such a plastic, hard voice - rejoice, your Masha is now an angel! What a wonderful day! She is with God in the Kingdom of Heaven! This is your best day!"
Here the thing is that we, believers, really see that it is important not “when”, but “how”. We believe (and only by this we live) that sinless children and well-living adults will not lose the mercy of the Lord. That it is terrible to die without God, but nothing is terrible with God. But this is our, in a sense, theoretical knowledge. A person experiencing a loss can tell a lot of all that is theologically correct and comforting, if necessary. "Closer than ever" - it's not felt, especially at first. Therefore, here I want to say, “can you please, as usual, so that everything will be?”
In the months that have passed since the death of my husband, by the way, I have not heard these “Orthodox consolations” from any priest. On the contrary, all the fathers told me how hard, how difficult. How they thought they knew something about death, but it turned out that they knew little. That the world has become black and white. What sorrow. I didn’t hear a single “finally your personal angel appeared”.
This, probably, can only be said by the person who has gone through grief. I was told how mother Natalia Nikolaevna Sokolova, who buried two of the most beautiful sons in a year - Archpriest Theodore and Vladyka Sergius, said: “I gave birth to children for the Kingdom of Heaven. There are two already there." But only she could say that.


Time heals?
Probably, over time, this wound with meat through the whole soul heals a little. I don't know yet. But in the first days after the tragedy, everyone is nearby, everyone is trying to help and sympathize. But then - everyone continues their own life - but how else? And somehow it seems that the most acute period of grief has already passed. No. The first weeks are not the hardest. As a wise man who survived a loss told me, after forty days you only gradually understand what place the deceased occupied in your life and soul. After a month, it ceases to seem that you will wake up now and everything will be the same as before. It's just a business trip. You realize that you won’t come back here, that you won’t be here anymore.
It is at this time that support, presence, attention, and work are needed. And just someone who will listen to you.
It won't work to comfort. You can console a person, but only if you return his loss and resurrect the dead. And the Lord can comfort.


Archpriest Alexy Uminsky very rightly said: “A person who is experiencing this moment and who really finds an answer from God, he becomes so smart and experienced that no one can give him any advice. He already knows everything. He does not need to say anything, he knows everything perfectly. Therefore, this person does not need advice. It is hard for those people who at such a moment do not want to listen to God and are looking for explanations, accusations, self-accusations. And then it's hard, because it's suicide. It is impossible to comfort a person who has not been comforted by God.
Of course, it is necessary to console, one must be near, it is very important at such a moment to be surrounded by people who love and hear. TO COMFORT A PERSON WHO HAS NOT ACCEPTED THE DIVINE COMFORT, NO ONE IS EVER SUCCESSFUL, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Read, by the way: About the will of God and the death of loved ones
And what to say?
In fact, it is not so important what to say to a person. What matters is whether you have experienced suffering or not.
The point is this. There are two psychological concepts: sympathy and empathy.
Sympathy - we sympathize with a person, but we ourselves have never been in such a situation. And we, in fact, cannot say “I understand you” here. Because we don't understand. We understand that it is bad and scary, but we do not know the depth of this hell in which a person is now. And not every experience of loss is good here. If we buried our beloved 95-year-old uncle, this does not give us the right to say to the mother who buried her son: “I understand you.” If we do not have such experience, then your words for a person will most likely not have any meaning. Even if he listens to you out of courtesy, the background will be the thought - “But everything is fine with you, why do you say that you understand me?”.
But empathy is when you sympathize with a person and KNOW what he is going through. A mother who has buried a child feels empathy, compassion for another mother who has buried a child, backed up by experience. Here every word can be at least somehow perceived and heard. And most importantly - here is a living person who also experienced this. Which is bad, like me.
Therefore, it is very important to arrange a meeting for a person with those who can show empathy for him. Not an intentional meeting: “But Aunt Masha, she also lost her child!”. Unobtrusively. Gently tell that you can go to such and such a person or that such a person is ready to come and talk. There are many forums on the Internet to support people experiencing loss. There are fewer on the Runet, more on the English-speaking Internet - those who have survived or are experiencing gather there. Being with them will not ease the pain of loss, but will support.
The help of a good priest who has experience of loss or just a lot of life experience. The help of a psychologist, most likely, will also be needed.
Pray a lot for the dead and for loved ones. Pray yourself and serve magpies in churches. You can also offer the person himself to travel around the temples together in order to give magpies around and pray around, read the psalter.


If you were familiar with the deceased - remember him together. Remember what you said, what you did, where you went, what you discussed... Actually, there are commemorations for that - to remember a person, to talk about him. “Do you remember, once we met at a bus stop, and you just returned from a honeymoon trip” ....
A lot, calmly and for a long time to listen. Not comforting. Not encouraging, not asking to rejoice. He will cry, he will blame himself, he will retell the same little things a million times over. Listen. Just help with housework, with children, with business. Talk about everyday topics. Be near.
P.S. The author sincerely thanks everyone who prays, helps and who is nearby - there are no words to convey this gratitude, there are no words to describe all the help.

P.P.S. If you have experience of how grief or loss is experienced, write to us at [email protected] about it, we will add your tips, stories and help others at least a little.
Anna Danilova

Here is a collection of short condolences and words of sorrow that must be expressed to the relatives and friends of the deceased person. The texts are suitable to be included in public, spoken in private or sent as a short letter. They are also suitable for colleagues, friends and other people who are familiar with the deceased. All texts are not written in verse (in prose), for those who wish to express regret in their own words. Recommendations can be found at the end of the page.

All names, surnames in the texts are used only for the convenience of presentation, do not forget to change them to the ones you need.

Condolences to you and your family. Your mother was a wonderful, wonderful person and you will miss her. I wish you to find peace and comfort... We will pray for you.

Friends, we condole with your loss and mourn with you. There are no words that will bring your loved one back to you, but perhaps life itself will help you survive the loss. We will pray that the Lord will give you patience and strength. Your dad lived well, for a long time, managed a lot, realized himself and left behind many people grateful to him. He will forever live in their hearts as well as in yours. Blessed memory to him.

Friends, today is a day of deep sadness. There was a time when we rejoiced and rejoiced with the departed from us. But today we mourn with you, seeing off a loved one, dear to us, on his last journey. But we will keep in our hearts a good memory of our friend.

I knew him as an amazingly sympathetic, intelligent, human and extraordinary personality. He helped not only me, but also served as a guide and support for many other people on the path of life. Let it comfort you a little that today many grieve with you, who also remained without this ray of light in their lives. You are not alone in this difficult hour. We mourn with you.

Let me offer you my deepest condolences. I am terribly saddened by the death of your mother. She was a smart, kind and empathetic person, and many people, like me, feel that the world is dull without her. I have no words to ease your pain. I'm just sure that your mother would not want you to be so sad.

Please accept the feelings of our deep empathy in connection with the departure of the closest, most dear person, a faithful companion in life. A great loss and great sorrow. Be strong, our dear ones, we are always with you.

Together with you, we will forever keep the memory of her in our hearts. She was an amazingly pure, honest, open person, and this earned herself the love, appreciation, gratitude and respect of many people. Your mom is the best of people. We will forever keep her memory in our hearts. Hang in there and accept our deepest sympathy for such a bereavement.

Dear Tatyana!

Please accept our condolences on the death of your father! Words are powerless in such grief ... Know that in this difficult time your colleagues, friends and like-minded people are with you.

Dear Svetlana and Sidor!

We deeply regret the death of your dear grandmother. She was kind, sympathetic and a good woman. We will all miss her greatly. Please accept our sincere condolences. If we can do anything for you, then we are ready to provide any assistance. We pray for you.

We suffered this heavy loss together with you today and mourn with you. Strength and patience to you to survive this difficult time of loss. Remember, everyone once loses a loved one, this pain must be endured. Sometimes the cross becomes very heavy, but it will help one day. Be patient, it will get easier after a while. We condole.

Condolences to your trouble on this mournful day. Our life, unfortunately, is not eternal and no words of consolation will help relieve the pain of loss or return the departed. I wish you strength of mind during this difficult time. May the earth be soft down to him (the deceased). And may the Lord keep you from all troubles.

Your dad was one of the most wonderful and wonderful people I have ever met. I am very lucky to have known him. And now I will miss him greatly, as well as you. I express my deepest condolences to you and your family.

Let me offer you my deepest condolences on the death of your colleague and dear friend Kharitonov Khariton. We deeply empathize and share your pain.

It's hard for us, but especially for you, and we know it. He was your closest friend, it's a huge loss. Your friend was an excellent friend for us too, reliable, faithful, simple and always fair. Please contact us at any time with any requests, we will be there. Let's stick together during this difficult time.

Please accept my condolences on the death of a dear, close and beloved person - mother. Having gone to heaven, she will not cease to be your guardian angel.

He meant a lot to you and to me. I grieve with you.

We express our sincere condolences to the family and friends in connection with the untimely death of Sidor Sidorovich Sidorovich. The death of a loved one is a great grief and a difficult test. Bright memories of a person who lived his life honestly and with dignity, leaving behind the fruits of his good deeds, will always be stronger than death.

With sincere sympathy, the team of Peace to Your Home LLC

We share with you the bitterness of loss. Your father was a wonderful person. His dedication to his work earned him the respect and love of all who knew him. Please accept our sincere condolences.

I grieve with you and express my deepest condolences to all your family, my friend.

We condole with you. He was our colleague, friend and bright professional, without whom our entire team will have a hard time. We are together with you in this great loss. It will serve as a light and guide for us on our professional path. Blessed memory to him.

I offer you and your family my most sincere condolences. Be strong. God rest her soul...

Please accept my sincere condolences on the death of your uncle. And please feel free to ask for any help.

The loss of a father is a heavy loss. Be strong. He was my close friend and often told me that he tried to raise you wise and strong, and would not want you to lose ground under your feet even when he leaves you forever. And also, he wanted you to be able to survive the losses and not forget how to smile after them. Therefore, I wish you strength and patience to go through this mournful time and move on again.

My condolences. The death of a spouse deprives us of our main support and our partner in life. It is very difficult to find words of consolation. Hold on.

Dear friend. The loss of a mother is the hardest loss. This pain is hard to deal with and it is impossible for me to find words that will lessen your pain. I will just be there in your grief, contact me at any moment for any question. And just wait. Time should help a little.

Please accept our sincere condolences. May the Lord reward her in heaven for all the good she has done. She is and will always be in our hearts...

Today you lost your mother - a reliable guardian angel in life. This is the worst loss. And I lost my best friend and support in her face. I grieve with you. Your mom used to tell me how much she loves it when you smile. I'm sure she sees us now and is very sad that you are so sad. May the Lord give you the strength to endure such a loss and restore the joy of life to you. They say that he gives severe trials along with the strength to survive them. Be patient.

Please accept my sympathy. It has never been closer and dearer, and probably never will be. But in yours and in our hearts, he will remain a young, strong, intelligent, kind and cheerful person. Eternal memory to him. Hold on.

This tragedy affected everyone who knew her. Of course, you are the hardest. I want to assure you that I will never leave you without support. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together.

This is a difficult time in your life. Let our sympathy and support help you and at least slightly reduce the pain of loss.

It's hard to put into words how much good he did me. All our disputes, disagreements are trifles. And the good that he did - I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and mourn with you.

Condolences to you, this is a huge loss and grief. Remember that a person dies, but love does not. And her memory will always light up our hearts. Brace yourself.

Unfortunately, in our imperfect world, such grief has to be endured. She was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me at any moment.

Words cannot express how we feel with you. It is hard when you lose loved ones, but the death of a mother is a grief against which there is no medicine and words of consolation. Please accept my sincere condolences for your loss.

I would like to find words to relieve you of the pain or at least reduce it a little. But it is difficult to imagine what these words should be and whether such words exist at all. Bright and eternal memory.

I share with you the inconsolable pain of your heavy loss - the death of your beloved grandfather.

May the Lord bless and comfort you and your family during this difficult time of sorrow. Please accept our sincere condolences.

The death of a beloved wife is a bitter loss. It is difficult for me to express in words, but I am always with you. I will support and help you survive. Be strong.

Please accept our heartfelt condolences on the passing of your son. We ask the Almighty to give you the strength to hold on, patience, perseverance and faith.

The loss of a loved one is a huge grief and trial. I sincerely share your pain. Please accept my sincere sympathy and support. God rest his soul.

It is very sad to lose your loved ones and family. It is doubly worse when young, healthy, strong people leave us. Help the Lord to his soul.

I'm sorry she didn't live as long as I would like. I grieve with you, empathize, remember and love.

I share your grief at the loss. You need to find the strength in yourself to survive these most difficult minutes and difficult days. He will remain in our memory forever.

May God give you strength, patience and faith, dear friend. Survive it all.

We are deeply saddened by the news of your father's death. He was a just and strong man, a loyal and sympathetic friend. We knew him well and loved him like family. We mourn with you.

It is difficult to find the right words in this difficult moment. I grieve with you. May it ease your pain a little that few are fortunate enough to experience such a huge and pure love as yours. But let him remain alive in your memory, full of love and strength. Earth rest in peace to him.

I'm just devastated by the loss. It's unbearable to think about it. It's hard to put into words how much I feel for you. My heart is broken along with yours. Be strong.

I can't speak any words of sympathy now because no one is going through your grief the way you are. It just takes time... be patient, it will gradually reduce the pain.

Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy my disputes and quarrels with this bright and dear person for me were. Forgive me! I grieve with you.

A person who leaves this earth does not really go anywhere, because he still continues to live in our hearts and minds. Please accept our condolences and know that he will not be forgotten.

I offer you and your family my most sincere condolences. It is very difficult, even when you are preparing for it, at the last moment you are not ready. Rest, Lord, his soul ... and you - hold on. Time will help you...

Please accept our sincere condolences. A terrible, insidious disease that has never been learned to overcome ...

On earth, her path was not easy and full of difficulties, may God take her under his wing and reward her with what she rightfully deserved.

A new star rose in the sky - it was his soul that acquired a new meaning and a new purpose ...

Small consolation, but know that we are with you in grief of loss and sincerely empathize with your entire family. Eternal memory to your sister.

Your father was a very resilient, joyful and optimistic person. I will remember his wisdom forever, it will be difficult for me without him. But it's harder for you. Losing your dad is like losing your ground. There are hardly any words that will ease the pain. Try to remember the resilience of your father and be the same, he would really like this. I will ask the higher powers to protect you from all troubles and that you find solace. I mourn.

The staff of the administration of the Central District of the Troekurovsky village council deeply mourns the irreparable heavy loss - the death of the acting head of the village Tyranozavrov Isaaky Kharitonovich. We express our sincere condolences to relatives and friends, we share their grief, we support them in times of grief.

Be strong! With the loss of a brother, you need to become a support for your parents for two. May God help you get through these difficult days. Blessed memory of a bright man.

Dear Sidor Sidorovich, Tatyana Appolinariyevna and Oscar Platonovich!

On behalf of the board of the open joint-stock company "Kuz'kina Mother" and on my own behalf, I express my deep condolences and sincere sympathy for the grief that befell you - the untimely death of your father and brother Zakhar Apollonovich Sidorov.

In this difficult time for you, your family and friends, I share your grief and bitterness of irreparable loss.

Brace yourself. The Almighty called him to him - he takes the best. I grieve with you.

Condolences to you. Losing your grandmother is like losing a piece of the sun in your soul. I will always treasure her memory in my heart. I pray that God will give you warmth and light in your heart, which will help you endure the pain of loss and find solace. Peace to her soul, and peace to your heart.

We very much mourn the death of our dear brother and from the bottom of our hearts express our sincere sympathy and condolences to his dear wife and all his relatives and friends. We pray for God's support for all of you, dear ones.

We believe that by God's will we will meet brother Sidor in the future paradise, which the Lord has prepared for all who love Him (Revelation 2:7)

Please accept my sincere sympathy for your grief. Losing a friend is like losing one wing. After that, it's hard to fly. I pray the Lord to help you cope and teach you to live with this loss. Strength to you, wisdom, good. Eternal memory to him.

I sincerely sympathize with your grief. But remember, losing your mother does not mean losing her love and warmth. May they always warm you, and you - remember her and all the light that she left for you after herself. I know she would love it.

May God give you strength to bear such a heavy loss. I grieve with you. Now it seems to you that no one needs our dead except us, but this is not so. Look around, if they are so unnecessary, then what are we constantly doing at their graves? Why do we visit them, talk, ask for advice and help? And we always get what we ask for. Even after they left us forever... Be patient, it will get easier. And remember - he ceased to be near, but did not leave you. You'll see.

• Reading condolences in verse is considered not entirely appropriate in these circumstances, try to avoid them;
• It is worth bringing words of regret only when it is appropriate. Do not impose them or persecute mourners as a formality. Do it sincerely, with warmth, at the right moment and do not go too far with sincere words to the deceased if you did not know him (otherwise the words will sound hypocritical, it’s better not to say anything at all, not to irritate loved ones - it’s not easy for them anyway);
• If the opportunity to express grief did not present itself, you can arrange any of these texts in the form of a short letter and send it to your loved ones. This will give them the opportunity to read them when it is convenient, and not listen to your sorrows when it is convenient for you.
• Words of condolence are usually formal words... standard, short and similar to each other. It is possible to make them warmer, more cordial and more personal by means of intonation and reminders (briefly) of episodes, small details that connected you with the deceased, gave rise to a warm attitude towards him.
• Do not impose advice and edifications that help you survive the pain of loss. It annoys loved ones. They (advice) should be given only when you are sure and see that they are needed or they are guaranteed to be necessary and will be able to help. Even better, if you do not speak, but do something to alleviate the situation. Since any advice, most likely, will not be correctly perceived, it will remain just an irritant.