How to make IT gentle and affectionate? Psychology of men in relationships. How to awaken tenderness in him? How to make your husband become affectionate

“I am an old soldier, I do not know the words of love…” How often do we suffer from the fact that our beloved ones do not know how or do not want to outwardly show tender feelings for us! But we really want our men to always be affectionate, constantly say warm words to us, be attentive. However, for men, the concept of "tenderness" is tantamount to the concept of "weakness", so they try to avoid all this, remaining courageous and tough.

But there is an explanation for all this: as a rule, the male sex does not behave this way on purpose, and this does not mean at all that he does not love you or does not want to understand. Not! In fact, his "thick skin" is due to many cultural and genetic factors. And if you try a little, be patient and apply some female tricks, you will soon be able to teach him to show his feelings and be more attentive.

He lights up right after you've finished making love. He thinks he's funny when you take his hand or kiss him on the cheek in public. After a long marriage, he still calls you by name and will never say “my love”, “my sunshine”, “my baby”. He just can not pronounce this word - "love". He never asks how you feel. You will not expect love sms or postcards from him. He will not say: "Relax, dear, I will do everything myself." He gives you only when he knows that he is guilty in front of you, and gifts - only on official holidays ... If this story is about you, do not worry, you are not the only one. About 60% of women reproach their lovers for not being able to show tenderness.

Why are men unkind?

Men are by nature not born tender. Boys from childhood play war, shoot at crows, fight and offend girls. In fact, male "rudeness" has roots both cultural and biological.

Firstly, men have more hormones responsible for aggression, rigidity - thus the male sex becomes more resilient, able to protect offspring and its territory.

Secondly, from time immemorial it was believed that a real man should not cry, lisp and express his emotions too brightly. Other roots come from childhood and family relationships. If a child has not received enough from his parents and has seen that they are extremely restrained in their daily relationships, then later it will be quite difficult for him to show affectionate feelings himself. If a person is not used to physical communication (kisses, hugs, touches), to gentle words, if there was no example of loving parents before his eyes, he becomes “hard”. Although it happens the other way around: overly caring parents caress their child so much that then it is simply afraid and embarrassed to repeat such a relationship so as not to be considered a “sissy” in life.

Caught in the grip of their biological characteristics, on the one hand, and cultural and family traditions, on the other, men, in the end, simply cannot be gentle. At least not without outside help. A man becomes tender if a woman encourages him to do so. And even then, his tenderness is a little indecisive. She needs constant support. In order for a man to remain gentle, it is necessary to “tame” him day by day. Only softness will help to avoid major mistakes along the way.

Here are some ways to help your man become gentle and affectionate.

1. Don't bombard him with demands. It is completely useless to torment him with the questions “Do you love me?” and requests "Well, tell me, finally, something warm." Such behavior will only piss off the man. Do not demand constant attention from him, countless sms, flowers and gifts - except for irritation in response, you will not wait for anything else. Never try to give an ultimatum - "If you don't call me 'kitten' and pat me on the head, I won't cook dinner for you." Such statements will only cause aggression and resentment, he will think that you do not love him and do not want to take care. And instead of all this, try to appreciate every time he does something sensual, thank him for it and say that you are very pleased and great (and not “what a pity that you do it so rarely”). Try to take his side - maybe what he gives you is not so little?

2. Don't overdo it with your tenderness. Another trap lies in wait for you when you completely take the initiative in manifestation, thinking: "I have to give him more so that I can receive more later." You are exhausted in order to give him maximum pleasure, you think about him every minute, lisp with him and almost drown him in an ocean of tenderness. As a result... nothing comes out. Not only that, he moves away from you even more. The psychological reason for this restraint is that he is afraid of being overwhelmed, absorbed in his own softness. It seems to you that you are setting an example for him, showing all the good things that manifestations of affection bring: love, happiness, etc. He sees only harm: a sense of his own weakness, dependence. He feels like a “rag”, “smear” ...

3. Take care of his body. Tenderness begins with the body. An unkind man is a man who unconsciously reduces bodily contact only to sexual. For him, every touch has an applied sexual meaning. In order for him to become more tender, you must destroy this “body-sex” addiction in his mind, teach him to receive and give pleasure not only in bed. Try sending him for some beauty treatments, or give him a massage yourself.

4. Talk to him about his problems, feelings, emotions. Often, even the strongest and toughest man lacks basic understanding and support. If he starts talking about his feelings and experiences, then it will be much easier for him to show and show them in relation to a loved one.

5. Be with him a little defenseless girl. If you behave like a real iron lady, take the initiative in your own hands, quickly grab onto solving any problems, then it will be clearly difficult for a man to take care of you. By showing that you are a strong and independent woman, you can just scare him. After all, you need to feel like a protector, have the opportunity to show care, and therefore become softer and more gentle. Therefore, when you show your female, or even a little childish weakness and unobtrusively ask him to help with something, your man will feel like a real knight and at the same time a “big daddy”, who will find it easier to show his affectionate feelings for you.

A woman always needs affection, but does not always receive it. Especially if the husband is serious about the manifestation of his feelings. Very often, the representatives of the weaker sex suffer from the fact that their loved ones do not want to show tender feelings for them. But they always want their men to be attentive, affectionate, to speak kind words. But for men, the concept of tenderness is sometimes associated with weakness, so they try to avoid it so as not to lose their reputation as strong, unshakable and courageous.

Men can behave this way on purpose, and this does not mean at all that they do not love their chosen ones or do not want to understand them. In fact, everything is due to many genetic and cultural factors. If you try and use certain female tricks, then you can soon teach a man to show his feelings and be more attentive.

Why are men not affectionate?
Men are not naturally born tender. Boys from childhood play war, fight and beat the same age. Male brutality has biological and cultural roots.
First, men have more hormones that are responsible for aggression. With the help of firmness and steadfastness, they become more resilient, able to protect their offspring and their territory. Secondly, there is an opinion that a real man should not cry and show weakness, and many believe this. Therefore, it is necessary to accustom any man to tenderness.

What to do?

1. Be less demanding. A man should not be bombarded with questions about love and requests to say kind words. This can only piss off your loved one. He must himself speak tenderness to you at will. This can only be provoked if you start saying nice words to him first. A loved one will not be able to remain silent if you tell him a lot of compliments and tender words.

2. Don't overdo it with your tenderness. A man should have free space from you. Affectionate words should be a highlight, often a surprise, spontaneity. This will please the man and he will definitely begin to answer you.

3. Talk to him. Perhaps your husband is feeling lonely or has problems at work that he won't talk about. This may be the reason for the restraint in his behavior, which is also manifested by the lack of tenderness.

4. Be a little defenseless girl in his arms. Strong independent ladies can scare off men, so it may be easier for him to open up to you as gentle and affectionate. Ask him for simple help, show how important it is to you.

5. Take care of him. Touch is the basis of tenderness. An unobtrusive kiss or hug, what could be better? This relieves the situation, perfectly distracts from the load and busyness. If you regularly show tenderness and care for your husband, he will definitely appreciate it and reciprocate.

Married to my husband for two years. I made an offer a month later. We got married after seven. Before the wedding, he was so gentle, affectionate, kind. Nikogzha did not reproach for anything, made compliments. And now he just reproaches me for everything, does not give compliments, he has not become affectionate at all. He never hugs me, and I already forgot how to kiss. Sex once a week, with him we also do not kiss. There is a small child. What to do?

Answers (9):

Well, I was very affectionate, but then at the moment I ceased to be so. I started acting like him. My husband didn't like it, he said. I said that I take an example from him. Now we live in love and understanding

Talk to him. You can go to a psychologist. But in general, before getting married, you need to live together for at least a year. Maybe he is not comfortable with you, no matter how sad it is. But it is better to solve this problem, the child can be raised separately.

Maybe you should hug him, kiss him yourself? Try to change your image, but not drastically, so that he is not afraid. Get a new haircut, dye your hair a different color, take care of your appearance.

I think that it is impossible to teach, to force. Yes, and you don’t need to teach your husband, he already knows how to do everything. Most likely you are sucked into the routine. You should not put pressure on your husband in this regard, let go of the situation and just try to diversify your life a little, spend more time together without a child.

I will not say that we have exactly the same situation. But I myself am a rude person. The wife complains all the time. Of course, I try to be softer, but it doesn't work. So it's most likely not fixable. And at the expense of sex, look for the reason in another.

Most couples go through this. My wife and I also had this period. But somehow we ourselves realized that we were slowly destroying our love and family and could lose each other, so now we have complete harmony in relationships.

In general, according to your description (I don’t want to scare you), but you might think that he has someone on the side. Talk to him about what doesn’t suit him in you (and something obviously doesn’t suit him, since he behaves this way), so that he wants to change in your appearance, in your relationship. Spouses should express (calmly, without scandals) what worries them, you can’t keep dissatisfaction in yourself. And also more often you need to praise him, like a child, gave you pleasure - thank him, and he still wants to please you.

How often do we suffer from the fact that our beloved cannot or does not want to outwardly show tender feelings for us! But we really want our men to always be affectionate, constantly say warm words to us, be attentive. However, for men, the concept of "tenderness" is tantamount to the concept of "weakness", so they try to avoid all this, remaining courageous and tough.

But there is an explanation for all this: as a rule, the male sex does not behave this way on purpose, and this does not mean at all that he does not love you or does not want to understand. In fact, his "thick skin" is due to many cultural and genetic factors. And if you try a little, be patient and apply some female tricks, you will soon be able to teach him to show his feelings and be more attentive.

He lights up right after you've finished making love. He thinks he's funny when you take his hand or kiss him on the cheek in public. After a long marriage, he still calls you by name and will never say “my love”, “my sunshine”, “my baby”. He just can not pronounce this word - "love". He never asks how you feel. You will not expect love sms or postcards from him. He will not say: "Relax, dear, I will do everything myself." He gives you flowers only when he knows that he is guilty in front of you, and gifts - only on official holidays ... If this story is about you, do not worry, you are not the only one. About 60% of women reproach their lovers for not being able to show tenderness.

Why are men unkind?

Men are by nature not born tender. Boys from childhood play war, shoot at crows, fight and offend girls. In fact, male "rudeness" has roots both cultural and biological.
Firstly, men have more hormones responsible for aggression, toughness - thus, the male sex becomes more resilient, able to protect offspring and its territory.
Secondly, from time immemorial it was believed that a real man should not cry, lisp and express his emotions too brightly. Other roots come from childhood and family relationships. If a child has not received enough affection from his parents and has seen that they are extremely restrained in their daily relationships, then later it will be quite difficult for him to show affectionate feelings himself. If a person is not used to physical communication (kisses, hugs, touches), to gentle words, if there was no example of loving parents before his eyes, he becomes “hard”. Although it happens the other way around: overly caring parents caress their child so much that then it is simply afraid and embarrassed to repeat such a relationship so as not to be considered a “sissy” in life.

Caught in the grip of their biological characteristics, on the one hand, and cultural and family traditions, on the other, men, in the end, simply cannot be gentle. At least not without outside help. A man becomes tender if a woman encourages him to do so. And even then, his tenderness is a little indecisive. She needs constant support. In order for a man to remain gentle, it is necessary to “tame” him day by day. Only patience and gentleness will help avoid major mistakes along the way.

Here are some ways to help your man become gentle and affectionate.

1. Don't bombard him with demands.

It is completely useless to torment him with the questions “Do you love me?” and requests "Well, tell me, finally, something warm." Such behavior will only piss off the man. Do not demand constant attention from him, countless sms, flowers and gifts - except for irritation in response, you will not wait for anything else. Never try to give an ultimatum - "If you don't call me 'kitty' and pat me on the head, I won't cook dinner for you." Such statements will only cause aggression and resentment, he will think that you do not love him and do not want to take care. And instead of all this, try to appreciate every time he does something sensual, thank him for it and say that you are very pleased and great (and not “what a pity that you do it so rarely”). Try to take his side - maybe what he gives you is not so little?

2. Don't overdo it with your tenderness.

Another trap lies in wait for you when you completely take the initiative in showing affection, thinking: “I have to give him more so that I can get more later.” You are exhausted in order to give him maximum pleasure, you think about him every minute, lisp with him and almost drown him in an ocean of tenderness. As a result... nothing comes out. Not only that, he moves away from you even more. The psychological reason for this restraint is that he is afraid of being overwhelmed, absorbed in his own softness. It seems to you that you are setting an example for him, showing all the good things that manifestations of affection bring: love, happiness, etc. He sees only harm: a sense of his own weakness, dependence. He feels like a “rag”, “smear” ...

3. Take care of his body.

Tenderness begins with the body. An unkind man is a man who unconsciously reduces bodily contact only to sexual. For him, every touch has an applied sexual meaning. In order for him to become more tender, you must destroy this “body-sex” addiction in his mind, teach him to receive and give pleasure not only in bed. Try sending him for a massage or some beauty treatments, or give him a massage yourself.

4. Talk to him about his problems, feelings, emotions.

Often, even the strongest and toughest man lacks basic understanding and support. If he starts talking about his feelings and experiences, then it will be much easier for him to show and show them in relation to a loved one.

5. Be with him a little defenseless girl.

If you behave like a real iron lady, take the initiative in your own hands, quickly grab onto solving any problems, then it will be clearly difficult for a man to take care of you. By showing that you are a strong and independent woman, you can just scare him. After all, a man needs to feel like a protector, to be able to show care, and therefore become softer and more gentle. Therefore, when you show your female, or even a little childish weakness and unobtrusively ask him to help with something, your man will feel like a real knight and at the same time a “big daddy”, who will find it easier to show his affectionate feelings for you.

In the understanding of men tenderness" often means weakness, and there are explanations for this. But a little effort, and heavy male heredity will recede. Take our advice.

A man becomes gentle when he feels like a protector.

He lights up right after you've finished making love. He thinks he's funny when you take his hand in public. After three years of marriage, he still calls you by name and will never say: “ my love», « my Sunshine" or " my baby". He just won't be able to pronounce this word - " love"(At the same time, is it possible to console yourself with the fact that he treats you no worse than his old girlfriends or sister-in-law's husband). He never asks how you feel. You will not expect love notes from him. He will not say, “Relax, you look tired. I'll do everything myself." He gives you flowers only when he knows that he is guilty in front of you, and gifts - only on official holidays ...

You feel left out, and that's natural. By the way, you are not the only one. About 50% of women reproach their lovers for not being able to show tenderness. Is it really a man and tenderness - " two things are incompatible", and this should be reconciled? Not necessarily. Of course, you can't make a gentle, sensitive angel out of a complete brute. But if a standard model biscuit lives next to you, it is quite possible to teach him to show his feelings and be more attentive.

“Tenderness is a feminine virtue. Perhaps that is why she is so attractive in a masculine character,” writes André Comte-Sponville in his Small Encyclopedia of Great Virtues. Men are not born gentle, rather the opposite. Boys (with the exception of sissies) play war, and men often get real pleasure from this activity.

In fact, rudeness of men has both biological and cultural causes. And if your lover lacks softness, then this is primarily due to hormones. He has more hormones of aggression» and less « tenderness hormones". The reasons also lie in heredity, and often in education. For thousands of years, men have treated tenderness with great distrust, because it could " compromise» all their valor and will, shown in extreme conditions. Who wants to get an offensive nickname " woman(if not much worse).

Women, by the way, often agree with this point of view. Many are still embarrassed by the sight of a crying man. As a result, even if men try to show tender feelings (having already proved their valor and honor), then most of them are not capable of it. Especially if they have not passed since childhood " school of feelings" in family. All psychoanalysts agree on this: restraint, like tenderness, is contagious. A child who has not received enough affection from his parents, or has seen that they are extremely reserved in their daily relationships, will subsequently find it difficult to show affection himself.

If a person is not used to physical communication (kisses, hugs, gentle touches), to gentle words, if there was no example of loving parents before his eyes, he becomes " tough". It also happens the other way around: overly caring parents also provoke " paralysis» tenderness from beloved children. The caressed son subsequently becomes awkward in communication, he avoids too frank relationships, because he is more or less consciously afraid of falling into a trap, as in childhood.

Clamped in the grip of their biological characteristics, on the one hand, and cultural and family traditions, on the other, men, in the end, simply cannot be gentle. At least not without outside help.

A man becomes tender if a woman encourages him to do so.

And even then, his tenderness is a little indecisive. She needs constant support. In order for a man to remain gentle, it is necessary from day to day to " tame". Only patience and gentleness will help avoid major mistakes along the way.

In the education of male tenderness, it is impossible to achieve any results by methods of frontal attack. The more often you repeat to him that he should be affectionate, the less result you will achieve. This is quite natural: try, say, to get someone out of a deep depression by demanding "make an effort and pull yourself together." If a person could do it, he would come out of this state himself. It is also useless to keep reminding him to be "kind" so that he does not forget to give you flowers from time to time or to say that he loves you more often. Most likely, he will answer that he “remembered, but forgot,” and the more he loves you, the more he will feel guilty. It is useless to shower him with reproaches or ask a hundred times a day: “Do you love me?”. It will turn out even worse: he begins to get angry with you, and, in the end, in his eyes you turn out to be an obsessive owner.

Perhaps you remind him of his mother, who constantly demanded attention from the household. Your situation becomes more complicated if you persistently demand attention from him, without being aware of this yourself. You, too, could not get affection when you were a child. Because of such a past, you desire tenderness with all your soul, with all your body, even if you do not actively declare it. Your lover subconsciously feels this and tries to move away from you.

In this difficult case, you must first find inner freedom yourself, and then help him. You must realize that he is not at all the main culprit in the fact that today you feel emotionally deprived. After all, even if he was more affectionate, it would still not be enough for you. First you need to pay off the emotional bill with your parents. When you install " internal standard» your own tenderness, it will be easier for you to objectively perceive the level of manifestation of his tender feelings. In such cases, the help of a psychologist is useful.

Another trap lies in wait for you when you completely take the initiative in showing affection, thinking: “I have to give him more so that I can get more later.” You are exhausted to give him maximum pleasure, you think about him every minute, lisp with him and drown him in an ocean of tenderness. As a result... nothing comes out. Not only that, he moves away from you even more. The psychological reason for this restraint is that he is afraid of being overwhelmed, absorbed in his own softness. It seems to you that you are setting an example for him, showing all the good things that manifestations of affection bring: love, happiness, etc. He sees only harm: a sense of his own weakness, dependence. He feels like " rag", simpleton ...

A man often considers himself deceived if he dares to show his feelings too clearly. Especially if he was raised by an authoritarian mother. If he, as an adult, has not yet learned to tell his mother: “No,” it’s best for you to keep some distance with him. This will make it easier for him to take the lead.

The body is not only for sex

Tenderness begins with the body. An unkind man is a man who unconsciously reduces bodily contact only to sexual. For him, every touch has an applied sexual meaning. That is why he is a little ashamed to hold your hand in public, which is why he jokingly, like a man, exchanges cuffs with his friends (as he considers, devoid of ambiguity). In order for him to become more tender, you must destroy this addiction in his mind - “body-sex”, teach him to receive and give pleasure not only in bed. For starters, try signing him up for a massage, suggest some other beauty treatments… It will be good for him if he has a little “ cuddle» someone else's hands. Plus, it will come back to you with much nicer skin.

You can offer to give him a massage to relieve stress or fatigue. It is not scary if your initiative is rejected for a start. When he gets used to the fact that he can be massaged, he will appreciate all the pleasantness of the procedure. Little by little, he will begin to treat his body differently.