Can priests marry? Questions - Questions to the priest. Catholics are different
It has been discussed more than once how difficult it is to be the wife of a president (oligarch, unemployed, low-paid clerk, etc.). What about a clergyman? Is it necessary (and is it possible?) to strive to marry these handsome enlightened men?
About the fate, rights and duties of the wives of clergymen in the main world confessions, "MK" learned from them and their husbands.
Matushka Irina Smirnova (pictured left) with a colleague.
Every time I see young interesting priests (fathers, imams, rabbis, padres and even Tibetan lamas) and catch their interested, truly masculine looks on me, I ask myself: I wonder, how are they with “this”? Who can't at all? To whom - only with a legal wife? Who can get divorced? And how are wives whose husbands serve God? And in general, are their families similar to ours - earthly ones?
Orthodox: six months of abstinence
In Orthodoxy, the clergy is divided into black (monasticism) and white (priests, deacons), explains Orthodox psychologist Natalya Lyaskovskaya. - Monastics fully devote themselves to the service of God, renouncing their personal, intimate life. The second can get married, have a family. Only now they no longer have the right to reach the highest levels of the church hierarchy. For example, Ilia II, Patriarch of All Georgia, became a monk in 1959 at the age of 26.
Orthodox psychologist Natalya Lyaskovskaya.
As a psychologist, Natalya talked with girls who wanted to become mothers. From all over the country they come to a village near the Sergiev Posad Lavra with the aim of marrying a seminarian. Local old ladies help young people get to know each other. But the spiritual father of both decides the whole matter - after confession. The girl should be chaste, of good disposition. The spiritual father most often sees whether people are suitable for each other. And bless the marriage - or not bless. Therefore, marriages among clergymen are usually strong.
Sometimes girls fall into sin: they deceive both the groom and the spiritual father, - says Natalya. - We had such a story: a seminarian got married and, already being ordained a deacon, he found out that his wife had a child. He refused intimate relations with her and lives like a sister. It is impossible for a priest to marry a second time - that means that the deceiver has ruined his hopes for a good family, for children ...
According to the psychologist, future priests and deacons marry very young, because single people are not ordained to the dignity, such a rule. An unmarried priest cannot get a "place" - a parish.
When the church revival began at the end of the 20th century, new churches were opened and built everywhere - there were often not enough priests. Then, with special permission, already mature, married men were ordained, and their spouses became mothers as if automatically.
So my two fellow students at the Literary Institute became mothers, - Lyaskovskaya smiles. - A modern mother can lead a secular life, make a career and even do business, but she must live like a church: observe fasts, confess, take communion. During fasting, abstinence from intimate relationships is recommended. And if you add up four fasts - Great, Petrovsky, Assumption and Christmas - plus Wednesday and Friday of each week and some holidays, you get about six months of abstinence. Nevertheless, the families of priests are usually very numerous. The life of a mother is full of worries and hardships. At the parish, she is often the right hand of her husband, his secretary, diplomat, foreman, church choir director, Sunday school director, and many more.
And here is what the young mother Anastasia says, she is only 26:
Married priests cannot divorce, except for one case - if the wife went on a spree. Then he can get a divorce, but it is impossible to marry again, remaining a priest - only to accept monasticism. The same is true if the mother is dead. Therefore, some wives blackmail with divorce, knowing that for the majority of normal men (which the priests remain, despite the cassock) to be left without a woman forever is much worse than with a bitch-mother. Undoubtedly, it is good in family life with a priest that he is obliged to be virtuous. And if he behaves badly from the point of view of church morality - he is rude to his wife or infringes on her somehow, she can complain to the church authorities - and the outrageous person will quickly be curbed.
But the 67-year-old mother Irina Smirnova calls herself "not the canonical twice mother." Twice - because she has a priest not only a husband, but also a son, and non-standard - because she is a divorced mother.
Irina says little about herself, more about others. But people tell me that her calm, peaceful father kicked his overly socially active wife out of the house, and all 8 children left after her. Once Irina was the director of the Palace of Pioneers and Schoolchildren in Shakhtinsk, and her husband was first a glorious computer scientist, then an important oilman, then a teacher at a boarding school. Until he became disillusioned with everything, he went to a theological seminary and became a village priest. They say that he is lazy, with a certain degree of indifference to others. But his mother always took someone else's misfortune too, according to her husband, to heart - she helped either the children or the prisoners, which ultimately led to a family conflict.
My ex-husband, father Michael, died on this Trinity. I was told more than once that he regretted our divorce, - Irina sighs.
She talks about how different mothers are. For example, one of them, Olga, leads the house like a home monastery: all children are born in the church, everyone reads and sings in church, everyone keeps fasts. The house is clean, each room has a small iconostasis. She walks around the house only in a scarf.
I remember once I ran to visit her. And just then the father came in. Oh, how she ran to find a handkerchief for my head! Otherwise, how will I approach the blessing and sit down at the table! Olga never cut her hair, did not make up, but she is beautiful in such a natural way - in a Christian way. Prostrate before the priest, as it should be. She always has everything prepared, cooked up, a huge cultivated garden under the window, a cow, chickens and other domestic animals. And still forced to work by profession and experience - the seller. She is my guiding star in the world of Orthodoxy... But it also happens that fathers cheat on mothers, and vice versa. Sometimes mothers even have abortions. They are all people, and man is weak...
Patriarch of All Georgia, Catholicos Ilia II.
Islam: if he were an imam...
“Islam does not distinguish between an imam (aka a mullah) and an ordinary Muslim,” Ali Abiy, who serves in one of Moscow's mosques, first of all makes a reservation.
In the understanding of Islam, - Ali Abiy explains, the worst man is the one who does not marry. And since we do not have a difference between an imam and an ordinary Muslim, then a clergyman can have up to four wives. On the same conditions as his parishioner: if you can support each wife and her children equally, provide each with a separate housing and pay her parents for each bride price. The Koran recommends that every Muslim make a pilgrimage to Mecca at least once in his life, but not to the detriment of the maintenance of the family, but if there is free money for that. But the mullahs, of course, do it more often - the position obliges. And the wife of the imam, like any wife of the faithful, is recommended to observe Sharia. But, as a rule, they observe more strictly - in order to maintain the authority of the husband in the eyes of the parishioners. I have only one wife and my beloved Khamisya! Ali Aby smiles.
The families of imams - their wives, children and themselves - always behave very decently: they don't drink alcohol, they don't swear, they don't gossip, they are always kind and modest, - Zukhra, a parishioner of a mosque in Almaty, shares. - You can call the Imam at any time of the day or night and invite him to read the Koran for a funeral (jinaza-namaz is read at a cemetery), for a wake, for circumcision for boys or nikah - a Muslim wedding. And often their wives accompany them. There is no fee for this visit: as much as people can, they give as much.
41-year-old handsome Imam Shamil Alyautdinov - imam-khatib (in other words, the most important imam) of the Moscow Memorial Mosque and deputy mufti of the Spiritual Board of Muslims for religious issues - is also the husband of one wife and the father of five children.
The imam says that not only Muslims come to the mosque with worldly questions, they talk with everyone here. And recently, non-Muslim girls often began to come with the question: how to marry a true believer? And when asked why they do this, they answer: real Muslims do not drink, adultery and drugs are forbidden to them. There are no bad habits, but there is responsibility.
If a person does not have a family, if he has not taken responsibility for a woman and children, this person does not understand much, says the imam. - Men and women are absolutely equal, the Koran clearly states this.
- And why then the female halves?
If you mean in the mosque, then this is so as not to distract a man from prayer. Men usually pray more. For a man, for example, attending a Friday sermon is mandatory, but not for a woman. Because a man is the head of the family, it is useful for him to listen to a sermon, and he can then pass it on at home. And my wife has a lot of things to do with children, with household chores. Muslims living in secular countries do not have female halves in their homes.
Also, Imam Shamil Alyautdinov explains the relationship of the Koran to various delicate aspects of intimate relationships and answers the questions of the newlyweds on the special portal "Sex and Islam". Strange as it may seem to the ignorant, the Qur'an considers intimacy to be the mercy of Allah. Here is the relevant surah: “Your intimate relationship with your spouse is charity,” said the Prophet. The companions asked in bewilderment: “A person satisfies his carnal desires and receives a reward before God for this!?” The Messenger of the Lord replied: “Don’t you understand that if he had a relationship on the side, he would be a sinner!? And having intimate relationships within the family, he will be rewarded!”
Judaism: be fruitful and multiply!
Judaism and Islam have a lot in common, but the main thing is the sacred need for intimacy. Both denominations, obviously, make sure that their parishioners become as large as possible. A researcher at the Center for Eastern European Bibliographic Research named after V.I. Jacob Shuba in Boston Dr. Andrey Bredshtein, who also runs a kosher bakery-brewery in Chester, New Hampshire:
A rabbi is first of all a position and by no means a priest! The rabbi has no monopoly on communication with God or the right to perform rituals. The word rabbi means "big, great," and this title, as a prefix before the name, is given to those Jews who have studied a lot and lead a Jewish lifestyle.
Dr. Bredshtein in his bakery.
Like every Jew, a rabbi not only can, but must have a wife. There are many reasons for this, but the main ones, in my opinion, are two: the Torah says that it is bad for a person to be alone, and a married person can fulfill the important commandment “Be fruitful and multiply!” A rabbi's wife is usually referred to as a rebetzn (Yiddish) or a rabanit (Hebrew). A rabbi can marry any Jewish woman without any restrictions. In the same way, a rabbi can get a divorce - according to the laws of divorce common to all Jews.
As for the ritual female purity, it is observed very strictly among the Orthodox: quite a few days in the month, even legal spouses cannot touch each other at all.
Rav Yehuda Katz lives in the old part of Jerusalem. After the evening prayer, he hurries home, where his beautiful wife, Malka, is waiting for him. Rabanit Malka takes care of the house, children, and also acts as a spiritual mentor for women. “They don’t raise special brides for rabbis,” Rav. - The girl, of course, should be observing traditions. It is hard to imagine a young lady in a short skirt and with brightly painted lips next to a believer. By the way, religious girls are not recommended to use cosmetics. And in orthodox families, a woman shaves off all the hair from her head so as not to seduce men, and wears a wig or a headdress.
Sex in a rabbi's family is very important, says Semyon Khashchansky, a member of the Beersheba community. - Probably, everyone has heard at least once that Jews have sex "through a hole in the sheet." This myth was born from the fact that religious Jews hang their so-called "tales-kotn" out of the windows to dry - robes about 50 cm wide and 1 m long, decorated with fringe in the corners and with a hole for the head in the middle. And one of the passers-by - obviously with a rich erotic imagination - decided that it was the Jews who hung out the sheets like that after sex.
And the author of the book Kosher Sex, Shmuel Boteach, argues that Judaism is the only religion that not only allows sex for pleasure, but also considers it the most holy act, because it carries life in itself. It binds two people into one: into one body and one soul.
A woman in Judaism, as in Islam, prays at will, because she already has a lot of things to do - children, household. Adultery is dealt with by the rabbinic court: in ancient times, both women and men were anathematized for it and expelled from the camp. Even in ancient times, the Jews did not kill women for infidelity. And now the rabbinic court can censure both spouses - according to the circumstances.
Catholics are different...
Catholic priests are required to observe celibacy - a vow of celibacy and eternal abstinence. This applies to most branches of Catholicism. However, the Greek Catholic Church (part of the Roman Catholic Church, which prescribes strict celibacy to its holy fathers) has family traditions similar to Orthodoxy.
Greek Catholic theologian Pavel Smitsniuk.
This is told by the Greek Catholic theologian Pavel Smitsnyuk, who studied theology in St. Petersburg, Athens and Rome, and is now working on his doctoral dissertation at Oxford:
In our country, clergy are allowed to marry, monks are not allowed to marry. Bishops (this is the highest degree of priesthood) are elected only from monks. At the same time, most priests are married. A person who wants to become a priest can marry only before taking the ordination; if someone becomes a deacon or a priest while unmarried, he can no longer marry. If a clergyman is divorced (or widowed), he also cannot enter into a second marriage. Thus, a young man who wants to become a priest has only one attempt at choosing a wife.
The theologian explains that the wife of a clergyman must be prepared for the peculiarities of her husband’s ministry, which often involves the absence of joint days off (the busiest days for a priest are Sundays and holidays), or be ready to change their place of residence if the priest is transferred from one parish to another. It also happens that parishioners, especially the older ones, have certain expectations of the matushka: for example, that she will wear a long skirt instead of jeans, or that she will not attend certain places or events. These expectations may have absolutely nothing to do with church canons or with Christianity in general, but this does not make them any less real.
It is clear that such a cross is beyond the power of every woman, Pavel agrees. - If in the past mother was engaged in housework and raising children, today she can be a manager, journalist or lawyer. This situation is a kind of challenge to traditional ideas about the family of a priest, but priests have learned to cope with this challenge. And this is good!
Buddhists: just love
Buddhism is a patriarchal denomination that views women as lustful seductresses immersed in sensuality rather than dharma (the universal law of being). There used to be Buddhist nuns, but over time they disappeared, only a few of the survivors still live in Nepal and Sri Lanka. They shave their heads and remain chaste.
However, a Buddhist from the United States named Vanessa argues that in the United States, even Buddhism has acquired democratic and cosmopolitan features:
In general, a Buddhist monk cannot marry, and a lama - a teacher in the Tibetan tradition - can, but only if he has not accepted the crown of celibacy. Moreover, faith does not forbid him to divorce and marry again. His wife usually follows his teachings and is a student. In our state, one lama is married to a Catholic. And I also have a family of believing Buddhists on the next street, where the husband is an American Jew, and his wife is a Russian from Moscow. She was not married, but with a daughter of 7 years old, when she went from Russia to Tibet to the monks - to learn the basics of Buddhist culture. Lived there for several months. I met an American Jew who was also on a pilgrimage. They fell in love and she moved in with him in California. They had a daughter, she was named Buddha. Who is she - Jewish, Russian or Tibetan? They don't think about it, they just love each other.
Lesser-known denominations sometimes amaze with their unexpected marriage traditions. For example, at Mormons(patriarchal religion, community in Utah, USA) allowed polygamy. Women here obey their husbands, and husbands obey God. All women must be married in order to enter heaven. If the wife behaves badly, then the man has the right to replace her with another, but the wife herself cannot leave her husband. Church elders approve the girl for the “position” of the wife, the bride must be a virgin. Before marriage, a girl should not allow a man to even touch her. Abortions cannot be done: children need to be born, as God wills.
But the most democratic are the Protestants: they have women bishops, and gays, and gay marriages. The pastor's wife usually takes the floor after the Sabbath service and addresses the flock: she quotes the Adventist mentor Ellen White, reminds of the importance of a healthy diet (no pork at all), and calls for vegetarianism. Mother necessarily takes part in the church public council, where not only questions are decided on the choice of church ministers, but also excommunication for violation of the rules (divorce, non-observance of the Sabbath, adultery, etc.). They are excommunicated from the church for a certain period or permanently - depending on the severity of the deed. Adventist women can only marry a partner from their own community, and divorce is strictly prohibited. A story is told in the community: a 19-year-old Adventist began dating a guy who was not from the community, she was excommunicated, and she left. A few months later, she and that guy broke up. She ran to the church, they didn't let her in. Then mother took pity and said that in a month she could come and repent publicly. Deprived of the right to attend the church, the girl felt so bad all month that, having arrived on the indicated day, she fell on her knees in front of the pulpit and she was seized by convulsions that did not stop until the end of the service. And when the fugitive stopped shaking, mother said with satisfaction that that was it: the devil had left her.
The May issue of the magazine of the St. Petersburg diocese "Water of Life" is devoted to the problems of a young family. Already spouses, not yet parents - this is how the period in the life of the newlyweds is indicated, which is closely examined in this issue.
For many believers, the priesthood and married life seem hardly compatible. Many of those reading these lines can recall their bewilderment or even disappointment when they first learned that priests were married! Indeed, how can one who has promised to devote himself entirely to God share his love between God and those with whom he is connected exclusively in his "private" life - with his family? What other family does a priest need if the Lord Himself pointed to the community of the faithful as those who essentially replace it (Mark 3:33-35)?
Family life is inextricably linked with the atmosphere of the “worldly”: the father of the family takes care of material prosperity, is constantly absorbed in solving various momentary problems. The very joys of married life seem to be far from any truly sacred content. Therefore, the approach of the Catholic Church (which prescribes obligatory celibacy, that is, the celibacy of a clergyman) seems to be the most logical: the priest fully devotes himself to the heavenly, freeing himself from worldly attachments.
In Orthodox Christianity, the marriage issue is resolved differently. "White" clergy, that is, priests with families, serve in parish churches. The "black" clergy, bound by vows of abstinence and non-acquisitiveness, serve in monasteries and farmsteads, and also supply the most worthy persons for episcopal service. The ordination of a priest who is not bound by the bonds of marriage and at the same time does not belong to a monastic rank is considered in Orthodoxy as an extraordinary event, the attitude towards which still remains wary.
So, 90% of all the clergy with whom the parishioners deal are married people, lovers of their wives and fathers of their children. Each candidate for the clergy, in addition to being properly educated (that is, having a special, theological education) and a correct believer (that is, sharing the faith of his Mother Church), must be a correct husband and father in his family. The Orthodox Church expects a future priest to prove his pastoral talent and spirit of love by a successful marriage before ordination. The New Testament texts, Council resolutions, church canons, with surprising insistence, emphasize the need for a clergyman (and for a certain period of the history of the Church even for bishops) to marry and take care of their family, as of the Church of Christ.
The marriage of a priest is a testimony in this world
In the Orthodox mind, a clergyman, his way of life, faith and appearance has the status of canonicity. It is believed that the priest is worth imitating, since he himself excels in imitation and leads a life in accordance with Christian ideals. The marriage of a priest or deacon also acquires features of normativity. The way he entered into marriage, what kind of relations reign in his family, how he treats his wife, who is now commonly called “mother,” all this seems extremely interesting to any parishioner. And the point here is not curiosity or the desire to gossip about someone else's personal life, but the fact that the family occupies one of the most important places in the life of every person. Every Christian needs a positive example of married life and wise "marriage" edification much more than instructions about and charms, which abound in the pulpit speeches of archpriests and priests. A worthy example of a family whose relationships are based on mutual love, fidelity and His commandments can play no less a missionary and counseling role than preaching. After all, where else, besides the house of a clergyman, can one find a marriage for which moral values, reliably forgotten by the world, are still fundamentally important.
Modern young people are afraid to link their fate with someone "to the end", for life. The priest is bound to his wife forever; entails an immediate ban on service. The biblical idea that only another believing Christian can be a companion of a believing Christian in marriage is not always clear to contemporaries. The betrothed in the world is chosen, taking into account his wealth, external attractiveness, status. And in the marriage of a priest, such a situation is fraught with an imminent tragedy: the rhythm of church service, many difficulties and trials will turn out to be a real tragedy for a mother who is alien to the values of her husband. Modern man tries to get away from all sorts of responsibilities and obligations.
Many prefer friendship to friendship, and flirting to marriage. Even church youth is in no hurry to start a family, cherishing their own, understood as an opportunity not to associate themselves with anyone and not be responsible for anything. But the life of the aspirant to service must be free from the ills of the present described: a cleric enters into marriage only before taking office. Orthodox tradition requires the future priest to overcome the egoism inherent in every person, indecision and infantilism in the status of a husband, head of a family. Thus, it is affirmed that only those who are capable of creating a family are capable of responsible and serious service to God. A successful marriage of a clergyman, based on such high values and Christian principles, can become a source of inspiration and hope, an example for people who do not know how wonderful the union of two believers can be. However, in reality, the marriage of a clergyman is also in the “risk zone”.
Situation 1. A married, but, as it were, unmarried priest
Serving in the Church creates a lot of objective difficulties for the marriage of a clergyman. Irregular working hours, the presence of "evening shifts", the absence of common days off for the family (Saturday and Sunday, rest days for residents of Russia are the most working days for clergy) - all this contributes to the relationship of the priest with his household. Just yesterday, a husband and wife stood side by side at a church service, holding hands, but now the husband is in the altar, and joint prayer shoulder to shoulder is now possible only at home. Internet forums are full of complaints about how hard it is to be a priest's wife: almost always it means living alone, without the help of a spouse in solving pressing domestic problems. A priest who devotes himself to public service simply does not have the time and energy to solve his private, family problems.
All these features of church service cannot cause a serious family tragedy as long as the cleric perceives them as problems that must be overcome and compensated in some way in the name of preserving family peace. The danger arises when the priest perceives his forced absence from the family as a virtue and a God-sanctioned feature of his profession. Meanwhile, the philosophy of priestly marriage that has spontaneously developed in modern Orthodoxy encourages such an attitude.
As an illustration of this thought, we can cite the custom that has developed at the present time to forever part with the wedding ring after ordination. It turns out that, a sign of mutual fidelity of two spouses, a visible symbol of an invisible relationship, there is no place on the finger of someone who has chosen to serve the altar. As an ideological justification for this custom, lofty words are cited that from now on the Church of Christ is the wife of a priest, while the Sacrament of Consecration itself is interpreted as a ceremony of the wedding of a priest with the Church. However, this pious rhetoric hides an unattractive reality that gives rise to a lot of sharp questions and objections.
A reasonable question arises: if in the life of a priest the place of the wife turns out to be partially occupied by the Church, then what should be the place of the spouse in the heart of the mother? Reading the Pastoral Epistles of the Apostle Paul, we find that church service is rather a continuation of the family life of a Christian, but by no means an alternative to it. Scripture repeatedly informs us that the only bridegroom of the Church is, but nowhere do we find words that a priest or deacon becomes such a bridegroom after ordination. Finally, wouldn't it be more honest for a clergyman to not marry at all in relation to his wife and children, since the chosen ministry is incompatible with a full-fledged family life?
Often a priest accepts the established rules of the game, preferring to be a prominent widower surrounded by dozens of adored spiritual daughters and sons. Maybe this way is the most convenient? Many men want to spend as much time as possible in a job they enjoy and want to reduce their obligations to the family to the level of financial support, while enjoying all the privileges of a family man. But, as it turns out, only a priest or a deacon can provide a proper ideological basis for this essentially egoistic striving. Needless to say, the inevitable result of such behavior is always a marriage crisis, which often ends in divorce.
Situation 2. The marriage of a priest is a closed topic.
Realizing that at present church service is surrounded by a mass of stereotypes that threaten family happiness, clerics often make the topic of their family life completely closed to the community.
Often the wife of a priest specifically does not visit the church where her husband serves. After all, close attention from believers and the teachings of church grandmothers can deprive even the meekest of mothers of peace of mind. Parishioners with "experience" (especially in small towns and rural areas) can make a young priest a lot of outwardly formal, meaningless demands, from which he hurries to hide in the comfort of the hearth. Only in communion with the household can he take off the pious mask that the parish requires of him, and become himself: a loving husband and a tender father. Such a “privatization” of family life cannot be reproached with a clergyman; such behavior is not due to his inner weakness, but to the specific way of parish life that developed before him. It only remains to be regretted that the happy marriage of a priest does not serve to preach about Christ, which is most effective if confirmed by deeds and a way of life.
Situation 3. "Patriarchal" marriage.
It happens that priests do not make secrets from their family life. The only pity is that in many cases, instead of the icon of matrimony, parishioners see a lubok. For some reason, a patriarchal type of family with archaic elements is considered a real church marriage, where a woman is destined for a housewife (another church stereotype: it turns out that a cleric’s wife cannot work), and all family members must obey the man unquestioningly. This is reminiscent of some kind of role-playing game in which each of the participants follows a strictly defined, but long outdated role, even in clothes imitating the fashion of previous centuries. And the question often arises among parishioners: why should a marriage based on Christian principles in the 21st century be adjusted to the standards of the 18th century? Such a specially built "Orthodox marriage" can hardly serve as a model for all Christians. It is not possible for such spouses to separate the eternal in the Christian union, which is laid down in it by the Lord, from the historically introduced. The Christian dimension of family life, manifested in the mutual, equality and emotional closeness of the spouses, is forgotten in favor of the literal observance of the cultural and everyday realities of centuries gone by.
Love is the foundation of marriage. Even the priest.
The situations described above are different in appearance, but in all the important principles underlying Christian marriage are equally violated. Unfortunately, today the dignity of priestly marriage has to be defended not only from the threats and temptations of modern civilization, but also from specific church stereotypes. Chief among them is the notion that in the life of a cleric the family is doomed to a "natural" displacement by sacred service. teaches us the opposite: successful service in the Church of God is a continuation of the family life of a priest or deacon. All that is required of him is to comply with those norms of married life that are communicated to marriage by Christian teaching. Fortunately, these norms are perfectly compatible with the family values of modern culture: mutual respect, responsibility of the participants in marriage, equality and emotional closeness.
One of the greatest treasures of the Orthodox Church's tradition is the practice of the married priesthood. Despite the strongest monastic influence, the Church managed to defend this tradition. Many holy fathers pointed out that family life, care and heartfelt love for a spouse and children serve as a good medicine for a priest from various forms of fascination with himself, temptation by the greatness of his ministry. It can be said that the spirituality in the full sense of a family priest, who is not ashamed of his marriage, has that necessary degree of soundness and balance, which makes him a responsible and mature pastor.
Deacon Alexei Volchkov
illustrations: Alexandra Ershova
‹ Questions to the priest ‹ questionsquestions
Date: 01/09/2009 at 20:48Father Andrew, good evening! I have a few questions about the life of priests:
1. Do all priests have to be married?
2. Can a priest take a vow of celibacy?
3. Can he get married when he has already taken the rank and is serving?
4. What does a priest do outside the church if, for example, he does not have a family? Can he go to the cinema, to a restaurant, to the gym, etc.
5. Are priests allowed to drink, smoke?
6. Can a priest travel abroad?
7. Can he have friends among ordinary lay people?
8. Why do all priests wear beards?
9. Can a priest engage in other activities besides ministry? Earn money in a regular specialty to feed a large family?
Sorry for these questions, but they come up all the time. Thanks.
1. No, not all. They can be both married and unmarried. Priests cannot marry. They are either already married candidates, or not.
2. Of course. Only this is done even before taking the dignity.
3. No, it can't.
4. A priest is always a priest, even after the service. Therefore, he can only engage in those deeds that do not humiliate his dignity and do not contradict the commandments.
5. They can drink alcohol in moderation and on allowed days, but not smoke.
6. Maybe, but it would be better if it is a pilgrimage or a business trip.
7. Maybe.
8. This is an ancient Eastern tradition. The beard indicates that the person is already a man, not a young man. And if God created us like that, why, if not for panache, shave it?
9. Maybe, but if this work does not contradict the commandments and canons. In Russia, I think, there is no such need: if he works properly in the "field of Christ", then he will have enough in abundance.
Answered by Alexandra Lantz, 03/11/2010
Sergei asks:"Tell me why priests were forbidden to marry a girl who had lost her innocence (). Is this ban relevant today in the light of the New Testament () () Why yes or no? Thanks in advance."
Peace be with you, Sergey!
The fact is that everything that God has prescribed for His chosen people symbolically reveals to us the plan for the salvation of mankind.
It is very important to understand that through the example of carnal relationships, God shows us spiritual truths (). If you lose sight of this, if you do not pray that you will correctly understand the images and symbols of Holy Scripture, then you can fall into a strong error. May the Savior help us in understanding His word, may He be with us and in us by His Holy Spirit, to direct our gaze to Heaven, where there is not and cannot be fallen flesh, but every Word of the Most High is pure and holy and active.
In Old Testament times, the priests, all together and individually, represented Christ (). Remember what a huge number of prescriptions there were for their purification, sanctification, keeping oneself in holiness? The priests were given the majestic and essentially amazing privilege to be representatives of God Himself among the chosen people, to be the personification of Christ (). However, in order for them not to forget about their fallen nature, that they are the same as the rest of the people, sinners who need constant ablution of their sins, this branched system of purification was introduced. Yes, the action was performed on the flesh, but it symbolized exclusively spiritual truths.
“Let them keep my commandments, lest they bear sin upon themselves and die in it when they break it. I am the Lord who sanctifies them» (). Pay special attention to the fact that they do not sanctify themselves by what they do, but God sanctifies them when they try to do everything right.
Due to the fact that the priests personified Christ and the events for the salvation of mankind, everything in their lives was somehow subordinated to the goal of revealing these events. Even their personal lives were to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and the Church.
The moment of the priest's marriage always pointed to the latest event in the history of our sinful earth - the marriage (reunion) of the Lamb (Christ) and His bride (the Church).
That the priest (representing Christ) could not be chosen as a bride (the bride personified the Church) non-virgin, i.e. woman who had ever belonged to another - this symbolically indicated that the Church, before the second coming of Christ, the Holy and Righteous Bridegroom, would pure and unblemished.
In language accessible to fallen mankind, God explains what the relationship between Christ and His people (the Church) should be. If you are a student of the Bible, then you have probably noticed that the words "fornication" and "adultery" are often used not only for those who actually fornicate according to the flesh, but also in a spiritual sense. Look, for example, at these verses:
And I saw that when, for all the adulterous acts of the apostate daughter of Israel, I let her go and gave her a bill of divorce, her treacherous sister Judah was not afraid, but went and committed fornication herself. And by sheer fornication she defiled the earth, and committed adultery with stone and wood.
This clearly shows that apostasy from God is seen as adultery on the part of His people. Worshiping other gods, following false truths, false worship - all this is fornication and adultery of a people betrothed to the True God.
All her idols will be broken and all her adulterous gifts will be burned with fire, and all her idols will be destroyed, for she arranged them from adulterous gifts, and they will be turned into adulterous gifts.
Again we see that the worship of idols, the offering of gifts to idols is nothing but the spiritual fornication of believers. Christ cannot take such a "bride" as His wife. She does not love Him, does not wait, does not long for a meeting with Him, but is defiled with "others". Read also
Thus, the marriage of any Old Testament priest has always been a symbol of what must happen on the last day of the fallen world:
“Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory; for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his wife has prepared herself. And it was given to her to put on fine linen, clean and bright; the fine linen is the righteousness of the saints" ().
This text tells us quite clearly that the Church must prepare herself to meet Christ. Spiritual Marriage of the Savior and the Church (= second coming of Christ to earth) will not come until the "wife" prepares herself, until she is clothed in the fine linen of the righteousness of those who belong to her: "the linen is the righteousness of the saints."
Your second question concerns today's times, because we live in the times of the new covenant, according to which every person who entered into a covenant with God at the sacrifice of Christ becomes a priest:
“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy people, a people taken as an inheritance, in order to proclaim the perfections of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” ()
It is my deep conviction that New Testament priests should be even more careful in choosing a wife than Old Testament priests, but at the same time they should remember that We live not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit(), i.e. when choosing a wife, a person should be guided not by the carnal signs of purity, but by the spiritual signs that his chosen one is born again and is trying with all her might to keep this integrity of hers.
After all, you must admit that many of us come to Christ after the terrible years of life in darkness, when we, led by an unclean spirit, exposed ourselves to all kinds of uncleanness, and we have no opportunity to correct what we missed while living by pagan standards. Our body remains dirty, bearing traces of our past godlessness. And now what? Does God really love that sinner who managed to avoid physical fornication more than the one who, having suffered in the nets of Satan and having lost her physical purity, sincerely repented and loved Christ with all her heart ()? No, God loves both equally strongly, and wants to see both of them happy in marriage. And for this, both of them need to become, first of all, spiritual virgins. This is very well said here:
Therefore, whoever is in Christ, [he] is a new creation; the old has passed everything is new now.
For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but a new creation....neither virginity, nor not virginity, nor the presence of arms and legs, nor the ability to conceive children, nor past sins, no matter how terrible they were ... - all this referred to life according to the flesh, and now everything is new, now the old the way of life of the old man, decaying in seductive lusts, was postponed, but a renewal of the mind took place and the believer became a completely new person who, according to God, is holy and righteous ().
And it is precisely such women that the New Testament priests should take as wives: born again, spiritual virgins who love God more than their lives, more than their well-being. After all, this is what the Church will be like just before the coming of Jesus.
Regarding your question on . This text does not refer to a wife, but to a male priest and says that a believer in Christ should not have more than one wife.
Sincerely,
Sasha.
Read more on the topic "Interpretation of Scripture":
| Feb 21 |
Number of entries: 102
Good afternoon! Tell me, please, how can we be. My cousin and I fell in love. I am 45, he is 57. Before that, we saw each other a couple of times, but a very long time ago. And now we began to communicate, and realized that we love each other. We are not married. Children, due to age and health restrictions, are not expected. Can we get married?
Ulyana
Hello Ulyana! The absence of close blood relationship between the bride and groom is a necessary condition for marriage. By decree of the Holy Synod of January 19, 1810, marriages concluded between persons in the 4th degree of lateral consanguinity are unconditionally prohibited and subject to dissolution. Therefore, you cannot get married.
Priest Vladimir Shlykov
Hello good people! I want to thank you for your site, which I can resort to with a question! And thank you very much for your attention to us and help in our problems. Here's my question. The fact is that I fell in love with a man of a different faith (ilam), although I myself am baptized and Orthodox! What should I do? Will it be a sin for me to live with this man? We want to marry before God, but we, Orthodox, differ from Muslims in the rite of marriage before God! The question is, can I get married, being baptized in the Orthodox faith, with a Muslim? Does the Lord allow it? After all, as I think, as for me, we are all the same before God!
Lena, on our site there is a tag - "marriage with a Muslim." Please pay attention to this, click on it with the mouse, and read everything. Many interesting things have been written. But you must understand the following: civil marriage (I mean registration in the registry office), of course, is possible, but there can be no religious ceremony! Firstly, only the Orthodox are crowned here. Secondly, participation in a Muslim marriage is a betrayal of one's Orthodox faith. You are clearly in love with this person, I think it is pointless to dissuade you, but you need to warn. If he is a devout, practicing Muslim, then you will first have to adopt customs (clothes, complete obedience to your husband (do not leave the house without permission, for example), kitchen, corporal punishment of wives, etc., and then, you see, not only a veil dress, but accept their faith. Relatives will force them. Think!
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Good day, father. I have a question for you. I recently met a man. Before me, he had two marriages, in both marriages there were children. In the second marriage, he and his wife got married, she even changed her faith for this. Now the situation is this, he offers me to marry him and get married. He divorced his second wife. Tell me, please, what should I do right, I go to church, is there a sin on me now, and what should we do if we love each other?
Natalia
I understand, Natasha, that you want to correct your sin - illegal cohabitation - by registering the relationship. Such a path, combined with church repentance, is possible. The main thing is that you will not be disappointed later in your chosen one, who is already “twice a hero” in family relationships. What if he makes a mistake in you, becomes disappointed, leaves his offspring and goes on to seek his happiness? You won’t get out of sins quickly, just like you won’t get out of the swamp - only gradually. If you already “met”, then think carefully about your relationship. Maybe the best thing would be to repent and leave?
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Hello! Tell me, can a priest marry a girl who has been married and has a child?
Maria
Hello Maria. A priest cannot marry anyone at all. After taking holy orders, marriage is not possible. Prior to taking the ordination, a layman may marry. But marriage to a second marriage is a canonical obstacle to ordination.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello! Can a woman marry a third time? So in life it happened that I separated from my previous husbands of my own free will, there were no betrayals, just different characters, I couldn’t do it anymore. Is this considered a sin? If I am divorced and have a man, will this be considered adultery? How should I do it right?
Irina
According to church rules, you have the right to a third marriage, but this will be the “last attempt”. The fact that there were no changes is good. But it's bad that the second time you "didn't agree on the characters." So, you need to get married "on the advice" - do not rush to conclusions and passions. Ask those close to you what they think of your choice if you can't speak to a priest. Every deed must begin with repentance, with confession. Such errors, of course, are also the sin of unreason. And what is “a person will appear” - if you go to the cinema, then it’s not a sin. And if cohabitation is a mortal sin.
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Hello, I'm 15 and my boyfriend is 25, can we get married?
Diana
Diana, before getting married, you must definitely register with the registry office - this is the order. Registration in the registry office is made not earlier than 18 years according to the law. Without it, you will not be married. So you will have to wait and be patient until the age of 18. At the same time, this will be a test for you in the seriousness of your intentions. But we must remember that close relationships outside of marriage are not allowed - this is a grave sin.
Hieromonk Viktorin (Aseev)
Hello, father! Sorry for such a personal question. I am 36 years old, divorced. I want to start a family, maybe even have a baby. But I can't do anything. I lead a normal life, go to church, and, if possible, take communion once every two months. The men I meet only offer me a bed. Why is that? Recently, my relative, a second cousin, as I understand it (my grandmother and his grandfather are brother and sister, and my father and his father are cousins, and we are already second cousins), he is 54 years old, offered me an intimate relationship to check compatibility and supposedly, this is good for women's health, because I'm alone. But I understand that premarital sex is a sin. I have always treated him like a friend, but nothing more. He comes to my house every day, and I still find excuses, play for time. What should I do so that they remain, as they say, "both the wolves are fed and the sheep are safe"? And also tell me: 1) how to build relationships with men in the world? 2) How much older can a man be than a woman? 3) how long does it take from dating to marriage? Thanks. I hope for an answer.
Tatyana
Hello Tatiana. As far as I know, there are Orthodox dating forums, it is possible that they will not immediately offer you a bed there. There is no health benefit from fornication and there cannot be. One must turn away from a person who inclines to fornication, even if he is a pleasant conversationalist. Under any pretext, shy away from communicating with him. Try not to consider the men you meet in life as possible husbands, this is a direct path to inciting lust, along which you will inevitably come to the actual commission of fornication. While you are passionate about something, it is passion that determines the nature of the relationship, which is why you are offered intimacy. Rely on God. “Lord, You know my desire to have a family, if it pleases You, fulfill my petition, but not what I want, but what You want.” Only humility is able to accept the grace of God, and passion unites with demons. The age difference may or may not matter. If you want to have children, don't marry a man much older than you. Men live an average of ten years less than women, and become decrepit earlier. You can stay with young children and an old man. From acquaintance to marriage, as much time should pass as necessary to get to know a person. What passions and virtues does he have, can he betray, can you forgive him if he betrays? Most importantly, a husband and wife should have a common worldview. Attraction-based sympathies will pass, and if there is no spiritual foundation, the marriage will fall apart. God help you.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello! My name is Yelena. I would like to ask you this question. I am dating a person with whom we want to start a family. He himself was married, the marriage was crowned. After the divorce, the man got divorced. Can we get married after marriage? I myself was not married. Please help me answer this question.
Elena
Hello, Elena. You yourself answer the question: “Why do I want to get married?” If you want to receive a church blessing for your marriage, because you are an Orthodox person, follow the canons of the Orthodox Church, live, or try to live according to the Commandments of Christ, and when it doesn’t work out, repent, confess, then there can’t be two options, you need to get married. Otherwise, what is the point of getting married? Beautiful ceremony? He got married, married, divorced, "broke" ... And what did the wedding give to a person? Look at the Holy Scriptures: "What God has joined together, let no man separate." (Matthew 19.6) It turns out that people married, but God did not combine. Of course, formally, you have the right to perform the Sacrament of marriage over you, but ... you will benefit from this only if you both accept your marriage as a home church. And the Church is the ship of salvation, which means that marriage is intended for the same. We call Christ the Savior, and He says: "Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." (Matthew 11.29) The characteristics of the Savior and, consequently, the means by which He brings about salvation are "meekness and humility." Marriage provides an ideal opportunity to learn these qualities, and the grace of the Sacrament of the wedding provides the necessary divine assistance in this. But it does not act on its own, but through your conscious and resolute forcing yourself to live according to the Commandments of Christ. Without this compulsion, a wedding is useless, and human nature corrupted by sin will inevitably destroy and devastate a marriage, even if it is married twice. Take your life seriously, it is short, and every step we take in it is of great importance for our being in eternity. God help you.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
I am Orthodox, can I marry a Muslim, I will not change faith, but I want to be with this person.
Akilina
You can register your marriage at the registry office. Church marriage is, of course, impossible. The Church does not regulate civil relations. But we warn that Muslims are different. There are also those who will demand that you convert to Islam, comply with its laws (for example, complete obedience to your husband), will not allow you to baptize your children, etc. Think carefully before taking such a step.
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Hello. I am only 19 years old, and I am in a very difficult situation. I have been closely acquainted with a 29-year-old man, a foreigner, for 2 years. He is from Japan. He is sick with epilepsy. This form of the disease is curable, but for him the moment has passed. In adolescence, the seizures themselves ended. But there were outbursts of aggression. From time to time he loses control and starts yelling terrible things at loved ones, insulting and humiliating them. Doesn't fight. Then he repents. He wants to marry me. Accepted Orthodoxy under the name Nazarius. But he did not become a Christian. Never took communion. I love him and want to take care of him, but his tantrums exhaust me and I give up. How can I understand whether I should be with him and bear his illness as a God-given cross, or try to forget about him and not bother my head, as my parents insist? God sends a man the cross that he will master. But was this cross sent to me? Nazarius begs to marry him, dreams of being with me to the grave. But during the clouding of reason, it cannot save me from myself.
Anna
Anya, you, by and large, are still a child! What kind of help from you to an adult sick man, besides a foreigner!? Everything that you wrote here “about the cross” is a self-made cross - therefore, the heaviest. How can you marry a person who, according to you, did not become a Christian? Your hands are already sinking from his tantrums, and you are still thinking about marriage ... You write that the disease is already incurable for him, and with psycho-neurological patients, especially in severe form, a reasonable priest will not give a blessing for marriage. Previously, there was such a definition for the sick - "lifelong celibacy." Listen to the words of your parents.
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Hello! Please tell me, is it possible to marry a divorced woman with a child? Thank you very much for your reply!
Maksim
Hello Maxim. If you are not the cause of this divorce, then you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Get married. May God give you consent and love.
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello, father! Can I marry my cousin? Is marriage to him a sin?
Ekaterina
Hello Ekaterina! According to church norms, of course, marriages between relatives up to the fourth degree of consanguinity, inclusive, are prohibited. There is a fifth degree of lateral relationship between you and your cousin, and such a marriage can be concluded, but with the blessing of the ruling bishop.
Priest Vladimir Shlykov
I love a man who is 18 years older. I am 23, he is 41, he is a very deeply religious and church-going person. Can we get married? Isn't such a difference in age a canonical ban on marriage?
John
Hello Joanna! There are no canonical prohibitions on such a marriage. But this is not always reasonable for ethical reasons. If, as you say, your chosen one is a church person, then it would be wise to ask for advice and blessings for marriage from his confessor, who is probably familiar with the situation from the inside.
Priest Vladimir Shlykov
Good day! I would like to ask a question: is it possible to get married during pregnancy?
Julia
Julia, you can get married during pregnancy. And before the wedding, you must definitely confess and take communion.
Hieromonk Viktorin (Aseev)
I live in fornication with a common-law husband, because I cannot officially marry him because of his criminal record, and I have a responsible job. We really want to get married, but the church does not allow without a stamp. And I suffer very much that I cannot go to communion, I feel very sinful before God.
Elvira
Elvira, we live in a "transparent world". People holding responsible positions in banking, law enforcement, big business are always checked by their own security service. I'm not sure that cohabitation can be hidden, and that it will be treated better than Convictions are also different, and smart people control you ... But if you still think that you still can’t get married, that this will put an end to your career, then ask yourself the question: “When will it be possible?” Are you so confident in your man that you will soon be ready to give up or risk your status in the name of love? Maybe your unpreparedness for marriage is actually a lack of complete trust in your loved one?
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Hello, father. My question is banal, and at the same time very important for me and, as it turned out, complex. Question about second marriage (divorced at the initiative of her husband, the marriage was not married and forced) I know that in the concept of the Church, you can get married a second, and even a third time. But tell me which is better? This is very important for me. Save you Lord!
Anastasia
Anastasia, I don’t understand, did your second marriage also break up? Yes, the third marriage is the limit. Whether to marry or not depends primarily on you. It is necessary to weigh everything: do you have a loved one, what obstacles exist to marriage, how are your relatives, your age, your children, etc. Marry out of love and the desire to save yourself together, and not because “it is necessary”, “water no one will."
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Dear father, please help. The girl left me. We were not married, we were not married, we just lived together for a long time. What is my current status according to Orthodox canons? Do I have the right to look for another woman? Maybe it's better for me not to look for anyone at all (somewhere it is written in the Bible that if you have separated, it is better to remain unmarried). Thank you in advance.
Eugene
Eugene, according to Orthodox canons, you have the status of a person who lived in mortal sin. Now you need to think seriously, if you are considered a Christian, how you will live on. I think that we should start with confession in the temple. Do not look for a woman, but deal with yourself, put your soul in order. A believer, I think, should not look for a woman, but find in himself the ability to love another person. Marriage is the school of love, cohabitation is the school of passions.
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Is the wedding considered valid if after the wedding it turned out that the husband was baptized by his grandmother at home in the basin, and the clergy of our church recognized this baptism as invalid. The husband was baptized in the temple a few years after the wedding. Today the first marriage is annulled. Our husband's second marriage. Can we get married? If we consider that the first marriage was crowned without baptism?
Anna
Anna, there was a similar case in my parish - a couple got married, and later it turned out that my grandmother had baptized her husband. The diocesan confessor did not bless them to marry again. The church marriage was recognized as valid. The question of your wedding in a second marriage is not limited to formal grounds. No less important are the reasons for the dissolution of first marriages, the establishment of the guilt of the spouses, your repentance, and the current church life. All these issues should be decided by the priest at your place of residence. He consults with the diocese in case of canonical obstacles to church marriage.
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Father, it so happened that I married a divorced woman. During her first marriage, she was married. There is a child from the first marriage (a girl). The wife filed a petition to the diocese for dethronement, the ex-husband also agreed. Can we marry her again, or will we have to live the rest of our lives in sin?
Alexey
Alexey! A marriage registered in the registry office is not a sin! He is not the pinnacle of marriage, but it is by no means fornication. This is your second marriage and that's a different story. Yes, the Gospel condemns divorce and marriage to a divorced woman as the way accepted by Old Testament morality. But Christianity is also a life of repentance, self-correction. It's not just about the form: we got married, and now we don't live in fornication. Live like Christians: pray together, go to church, take communion, raise children, keep love and fidelity. Then your family will become a "house church" and the Lord will keep you. Many have achieved “debunkings” and “weddings” in the dioceses, but in reality they have remained married pagans. Be Christian for life.
Archpriest Maxim Khyzhiy
Hello, bless! My husband's uncle is a father. My husband and I are registered in the registry office, but not married. The husband wants his uncle to perform the wedding, but the parish where he serves is very far away, we have no opportunity to go there. Uncle comes to our city, and we wanted to get married at home, is it possible, and will such a wedding be valid? Thanks.
Ekaterina
God's blessing on you! Your husband's uncle can ask the rector of any church in your city, or the ruling bishop, to be allowed to marry his nephew in the church. Let the uncle take care in advance about a certificate from the diocese where he serves, which will indicate that he really is a clergyman of such and such a diocese and does not have canonical prohibitions for performing divine services. I think that he will be allowed to marry his nephew in the temple. As for the wedding at home, it will be illegal, since the performance of rites in another diocese without permission is prohibited. God bless you!
Archpriest Andrey Efanov
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