Can a priest be unmarried. How Orthodox priests choose their wives. How to be at peace with your husband's relatives and friends
Dear sisters! I once talked for three hours with girls who really wanted to get married. This conversation was recorded, it turned out more than twenty pages in small print.
The text of my conversation was shortened and edited by Ekaterina Stepanova. She recently got married and is very happily married, so I hope she knows what I said is right and what is wrong.
I also edited her version of the conversation for a long time, I still could not stop, which caused some displeasure of the editors. It is impossible to delay the publication further, and I present to you for discussion our joint work with Katya, hoping that it will help at least some of you, dear sisters, to get married. I wish you find a good groom! If there are questions, write.
With love in Christ, ep. Panteleimon.
Getting ready for marriage
In our time, creating a family is a feat.
There is no need to imagine marriage as a safe haven where all your problems will end, and there will be an understanding, loving person nearby, on whom you can pour out all the love that has accumulated over the years of waiting.
One God understands us in everything, and the most ardent love does not always have the same temperature. And that unspent that overwhelms your heart may turn out to be not at all a willingness to sacrifice oneself, but a desire to arrange everything in life based on one’s desires.
If you want to get married, you need to not just sigh, worry and cry about your loneliness, but prepare. Preparing for marriage means preparing to become a good wife and mother of many children, because in an Orthodox marriage one cannot evade this feat.
Having many children in the modern world is a lot of work and a feat. Our world is not adapted, not convenient for large families. But without the fulfillment of this will of God about the birth of children, you will be unhappy in marriage.
I do not think that the Lord, when we violate His commandments and rules, completely leaves us with His love, but still we lose a lot.
Learn to live within your means
Unfortunately, a large family in Russia is doomed to be among the poor.
Therefore, already now you can start training to live within your means. Try to be economical, learn not to spend money right and left. Make do with the laptop you have, don’t buy yourself a new phone every year, take good care of your clothes – beautifully combine what you already have in your closet, and don’t buy new dresses at sales.
It is not known whether your husband will have a well-paid job. You will marry for love, not for convenience. If he has a small salary or loses his job, he will have to live in poverty, so it is better to prepare for this in advance.
It would be nice to learn not only to save, but also to donate money - to share, to help large families or single mothers. Learn not to be greedy, but compassionate and generous.
The main thing that families with many children lack is spacious housing. And in a small apartment with children it is very difficult to keep order. Therefore, it would be good to learn how to get rid of unnecessary things in advance, then it will be much easier to clean the apartment and maintain order.
Family is like a submarine
In marriage, it will be difficult for you to find time for yourself: read a book, go to the theater, pray in the temple. Because there will always be a husband and children. They will need you, waiting for your attention. You can’t get away from the family, like from a submarine when it plunged into the water.
In order to keep up with everything in marriage, I would advise you to learn to get up early now. Read the Gospel more often, study the lives of the saints, memorize, while you have time, morning and evening prayers so that they can be read without turning on the light or while feeding the child. All this will be very useful to you when you become a wife and mother.
Of course, it is very good to study children's literature in advance in order to know what to read to children. It would be good to get acquainted with the lives of the saints and learn how to retell them to the children of friends, godchildren or nephews.
It is very important to learn how to cook. And not for themselves, but for others. It is not difficult to cook for yourself - you made a sandwich and ate it, but for your husband to cook, for example, lean food so that it is tasty and that he is satisfied is a tricky business.
For training, be like a large family and help prepare holiday lunches or dinners. And learn to cook, and do a good deed. Maybe the Lord will send you a good groom for this!
You, perhaps, will say: well, I prepared, prepared, learned everything, but no one offers marriage. But if you learn to love, to pray, this will help you live fully, even if you don’t find a husband.
Be active
You don’t want to approach a girl who is gloomy and dissatisfied with her loneliness. However, even a girl who is in active search, prowling like a she-wolf with her eyes around, scares off potential suitors.
If you want to get married, you should not be discouraged and not look for candidates on the Internet and among passers-by on the street and in the subway, but be active.
And I mean not the appearance of activity, when a girl paints herself, dresses up (or, on the contrary, undresses!) and poses for photos for social networks. I'm talking about really living actively.
You can, having deep faith, shut yourself up in a room and pray that God will send the groom. But if there is no such strong faith, it is better not to avoid association with young people.
Sign up to volunteer. Go to the audition, maybe you will be accepted into the choir. Try to work with children in Sunday school. Help organize parish weddings or mission trips. Missionary trips are very helpful.
I organized my first missionary campaign because I had four daughters who had no suitors. All of them got married and almost all the participants of this campaign started families!
An active girl is easier to notice, and most importantly, she is immediately visible in action.
Drinking groom is not an option
When choosing a husband, you need to pay attention to how he relates to alcohol. If he overdoes it, if he has a habit, how upset he is - drinking "out of grief" is scary.
After all, earlier, for example, they didn’t drink wine at a wake, they drank at weddings - with joy.
For joy, you can drink a little. The Lord blessed the wine at the wedding. But if a person drinks from grief (a bitter drunkard), it is better to wait for another groom.
Do not be afraid to push the groom away with severity
Many men believe that you first need to live in the so-called. “civil marriage”, and then get married. True, it often does not come to marriage.
Starting a relationship with carnal intimacy is wrong.
There is a certain sequence in the development of relations between husband and wife: first - friendship, understanding, recognition of this person. Then, when you feel what kind of person this is, how reliable he is, how interesting you are with him - you have the basis for the development of other relationships that begin already in marriage.
After all, you live with this person, talk, share your impressions, look at the world together, raise children, help each other, experience sorrows, illnesses, difficulties - this is the most important thing and you need to prepare for this!
You are looking for yourself not a “partner”, but a life partner, the father of your children. Do not be afraid to clearly and definitely tell him that close relationships are impossible for you before marriage.
People who obeyed and adhered to such strict rules thanked me later.
If you start building relationships on carnal needs, this will inevitably distort the consciousness of your choice - your love, passion, passion, dependence on a person you like will interfere. And you will not be able to evaluate it soberly.
There should be as many children as God wills
You need to talk about this with your future husband even before the start of a life together - before marriage. Because it happens, unfortunately, that a man is not ready for the birth of children or wants only one child. You need to explain in advance to the person who wants to become your husband that you cannot avoid having children. Strict confessors do not allow communion to those who, while maintaining marital relations, prevent the birth of children. It is a sin.
Of course, marital relations are committed not only for the sake of having children. The marital relationship in marriage is an expression of love for each other, when the spouses are united into one and become one body, one being.
There is nothing sinful for spouses in this. And if the spouses are infertile, these relationships can continue, there is no need to abstain from them.
But if children can be, it is impossible to avoid their birth. Therefore, even in the case of a disease in the treatment of which pregnancy is undesirable, one should refrain from marital intercourse, and not find ways to avoid the birth of a child.
Marital posts
As you know, there are fasts in Christianity - they apply to marital relations as well. There is a lot of talk about this topic now, some believe that marital relations should not be regulated.
But such confessors as Archimandrite John (Krestyankin), Hieromonk Pavel (Troitsky), Archimandrite Tavrion (Batozsky) said that marriage is a school of chastity and fasting should be observed by spouses and in close relationships. It is necessary that in marriage you and your husband have unity on these issues.
Marriage is a comfort and joy, some even marry for it. But on the other hand, marital relations can also be a source of sorrow.
The apostle Paul said that it is better to remain pure so that there are no sorrows according to the flesh. Because not always spouses can be together, they do not always have the same intentions and desires.
You need to take this calmly, do not worry, do not get hung up, do not build your entire married life on this side of marriage.
A good wife loves her husband more than her children.
The husband is the most important in the family. If the husband is loved and everything goes well with him, it will be well with the children. No matter how much you love children, you need to love your husband more.
My late wife raised her children in such a way that they understood: the best and most delicious is for dad. The youngest daughter sometimes said: “What about me? I want too". I handed her a sandwich thickly smeared with black caviar, which my wife had prepared for me, but the older girls made terrible eyes, whispered something sternly in her ear, and she fell silent guiltily and for no reason wanted to take even a part of this sandwich.
Of course, they also got caviar sandwiches in those rare moments when they managed to get it, but on my father's, the layer of caviar was thicker.
For children, quarrels of parents are worse than punishment.
If children see the love and unity of their parents, they are peaceful and calm.
My eldest daughter recently recalled what a tragedy, when she was still very young, our dispute with her wife was for her.
The daughter was standing in a crib with railings, and her mother and I were arguing. I said that she should be forced to put away the toys, but my wife thought that it was already late, it was time for bed and there was no need to take her out of the crib. It seemed to the poor little girl that the world was collapsing.
Of course, I am very ashamed that I did not understand this then, but still my advice to expectant mothers: if a husband punishes a child, it is better not to argue with him. It will be easier for the child to endure the punishment than to see your argument and disagreement with each other.
After some time, when the husband calms down, you can choose a convenient moment and try to talk with him in the absence of children, how you can and how you can’t punish and what to do if the situation repeats, but you can’t argue with your husband in the presence of children. It may seem to you that you are protecting the child, but in fact you are inflicting a deep wound on his soul.
You ask, what if the husband punishes too cruelly, often and unfairly? Of course, if there is a threat to the life and health of children, one should not argue and fight with her husband, but get a divorce.
That is why it is necessary to discuss with your fiancé before marriage how you will raise children, which punishments are acceptable and which are not.
If a husband resorts to punishment because of anger and irritability, you must be able to calm him down when a thunderstorm begins. One remarkable priest told me that his grandfather, when the children were noisy at the table, hit the guilty on the forehead with a wooden spoon. Grandmother, who knew about this, always put a spoon with a very thin handle on her husband. The spoon broke, and this softened the blow.
Of course, now such educational measures are not common, but the wife must be wise and inventive in order to soften her husband's severity without entering into disputes.
What even Baba Yaga should know about
The book “Housekeeping”, published back in Soviet times, gives this advice: “You must remember that you need to prepare daily for the arrival of your husband from the service. Prepare the children: wash them, comb their hair and change into clean, smart clothes. They should line up and greet their father when he comes to the door. For such an occasion, put on a clean apron yourself and try to decorate yourself - for example, tie a bow in your hair.
Do not enter into conversations with your husband, remember how tired he is, and that every day he has to go to the service for you. Feed him in silence, and only after he has read the newspaper, you can try to talk to him.
This may seem like a mockery to you, but so many men tell me that when they come home tired, their wives do not let them rest - they pester them with various questions, with stories, and they suffer from this, the poor.
Even Baba Yaga in the Russian folk tale, before asking Ivanushka about something, who wandered into her hut on chicken legs, first fed him; he even suggested to her: “First you feed me, give me a drink, and then ask questions!” And women need to remember this. After all, a well-fed man is kinder.
When I gave advice from “Housekeeping” to a mother with many children, weary of life, she was very surprised and said that everything is the other way around at home: her husband comes home, she wants to feed him as soon as possible and go to rest, and he starts pestering her with conversations, questions; not realizing how tired she is during the day.
Well, well ... It happens that such a test falls to your lot. You have to sit and answer questions about the children, listen to stories about the husband's boss or subordinates. In this case, before the husband arrives home, turn on some fairy tale for the children, and lie down for 15 minutes or read the canon herself in order to gain strength before meeting her husband. You should be comforted by the fact that he loves you so much that it is difficult for him to end the day without talking to you.
How to be at peace with your husband's relatives and friends
Be ready to perceive your husband not as an individual, but together with his relatives: with his mother - your mother-in-law, his father - your father-in-law, with the husband's sisters - with daughters-in-law. And if you don't like someone, you need to be ready to endure. This is how respect for the husband’s relatives and for himself is shown, because his relatives are part of his life. Love must be sacrificial.
How to overcome hostility, if it arises? There is such a way - a prayer for these people. If you pray, the heart will become softer, and the relationship will be smoother and calmer.
The husband has not only relatives, but also friends. At first, of course, he will forget about everyone, will spend time only with you, text you every five seconds. But then friends will return. Therefore, it is better to get to know them in advance.
For a man, friends, it seems to me, are more important than girlfriends for a woman. You can not deprive him of the opportunity to communicate with them.
No need to think that if your husband married you, then now he is completely yours. After the wedding, he will remain and continue relationships with both friends and parents.
Especially if he is the only child in the family, especially beloved by his mother. It'll be hard. The mother-in-law can involuntarily be jealous, demand additional attention to herself, and do it indirectly, but in a roundabout way, because female nature, I won’t say “sly”, but very flexible.
To overcome all this, you need to be ready for this and try to be patient, helping yourself with prayer. Over time, as the experience of many shows, if you make an effort and force yourself to be kind, the relationship between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law will even out, even if they were difficult.
Avoid being a bore saw
The duty of a wife is to be wise. Not cunning, but wise. Wisdom should be asked from God. All Christians are commanded to be wise as serpents, though simple as doves.
Directly, by force, by pressure, it will not work to achieve anything from a husband: to accustom him to cleanliness, for example, if he is sloppy; ask for time for you get a job and stop playing tanks on the computer.
You can cut him every day, press him, persuade him, but men do not give in to this. And relationships can deteriorate forever.
Many girls, while they are not married themselves, agree with this, understand the failure of this method of influence, but, having become a wife, they still do not avoid the role of a boring saw. And they don't even notice it!
And how is it right, you ask. The strength of a woman is in her weakness, and men are more likely to bow to a quiet, gentle, meek request.
You need to be feminine, you need to be able to preserve femininity in everything - in relation to your husband, to children, to life - you need to be different than a man. This is why men love women.
What if that doesn't help? I endure, endure, endure - and he only gets worse. Do not forget about God, Who can do everything. If you pray diligently for your husband, the situation will definitely change: either your husband will become more careful, or his carelessness will stop annoying you.
If you quarreled
You must put up with your husband first, no matter what happens. Anything can happen, but you can’t go to bed without reconciling. There is no need to carry over the showdown to the next day. If the husband is irritated, you must not be irritated. If you are unable to do this, it is better to evade the conversation under a plausible pretext.
If you want to talk about something important, but controversial, it is better to do it in the morning so that before the evening you both have time to think everything over, calm down and reconcile.
For serious conversations, you need to choose a time when your husband is in a good mood. When he ate, for example. Or his favorite team won.
Meet the confessor of your future husband
If your future husband does not have a confessor, you need to help find him. Because then you will have no one to ask for advice, help. Who will you go to if your husband does not listen to anyone? A person must have authority whom he trusts, with whom he consults.
If the groom has a confessor, get to know him, ask about this priest, find out what his views are, how close these views are to you. Is there a big difference between the views of your confessor and your husband's confessor?
The confessors of the husband and wife may be different, but in this case it is better to agree before marriage - which temple to go to, how to pray (together or separately), so that there are no disputes later.
You need to warn your husband that in all matters you will obey him, but in spiritual matters (how often you should take communion, how to fast, etc.) - your confessor.
There is no need to push your husband and confessor against each other so that your husband does not have tension or jealousy towards your confessor.
Be careful and reasonable.
In a dispute with your husband, you should not cite the opinion of your confessor as an argument if the husband does not have confidence in him. Even if he treats your confessor with respect, it is better to say: “I think it’s better this way”, “I think it’s right to do this”, and not “my confessor advised me this way”. After all, you freely choose obedience to the confessor in this or that issue and you yourself are responsible for this or that decision.
Choose the person you are interested in
It is better when the husband and wife have a common cultural level. Emotionally, by temperament, spouses can be very different, but the circle of friends, the circle of interests should coincide.
If the cultural level is different, and the husband, for example, does not understand serious music at all, and you are used to visiting the conservatory every week and Haydn's quartets are always heard at home; if you don’t fall asleep yet, be sure to re-read Gogol or Pushkin, and he loves base detective stories, there can be difficulties in family life.
A year must pass before the wedding
My main advice is don't rush. Keep an eye on the person throughout the year.
Not only crazy people have exacerbations in spring and autumn. Everyone feels differently at different times of the year. Therefore, in a year you have the opportunity to get to know a person more fully, from different angles, in good and bad, difficult periods.
It is very important to find out before marriage not only the good, but also the bad sides of the future husband. Try to see it with a sober eye. Pray that the Lord will show it to you as it is.
Be sure to introduce the candidate to his confessor and parents before making a decision on marriage. They should also participate in choosing a husband, because if a person is drugged by love, it is difficult for him to reason soberly.
True, we had a case when one couple secretly got married - my mother was categorically against it. But then the blessing of Patriarch Alexy II was received for the wedding. Mom and I reconciled and everything is fine. But this is an exceptional case. As a rule, it is worth listening to the opinion of parents.
As for friends, I don't know. If you have some kind of wise friend, you can introduce her to the groom and then ask her opinion. Although, of course, it should not be decisive.
The main reason for divorce
Probably the main reason why people get divorced so often in our country is that their acquaintance was short-lived, and the decision to marry was ill-considered, not very responsible.
There was such a case with the elder, father Pavel Troitsky. One girl fell in love with a young man, asked permission to go on a date with him, and Father Pavel, since he was a perspicacious man, knew that this man was not suitable for her husband. But he allowed me to go on a date and said: “I will pray that you see him for who he is.”
And when the girl came on this date, she suddenly saw the young man completely different, not the way she imagined.
Therefore, before marriage, you need to be very critical of your future husband: to doubt, not to trust your feelings, not to trust your mind. Be very careful.
So that it doesn’t turn out that you married a prince, and your husband turned out to be Ivanushka the Fool.
The Enchanted Prince
But when you got married and got married, everything changes here. Here you can recall a fairy tale about how one young man was taught to behave well and treat people correctly. And one teacher told him: "You should see a prince in everyone, and serve him like a prince - like an enchanted prince, although he may not even look like a prince."
So a wife, if she chose a husband for herself, got married, got married, and he suddenly turned out to be bad, she should treat him like an enchanted prince.
After all, you and I are Christians, we know that human nature has amazing possibilities, and a person can change. And you can get better, and your husband can get better - thanks to mutual patience, respect, self-sacrificing love and God's help. This is what you need to believe.
The May issue of the magazine of the St. Petersburg diocese "Water of Life" is devoted to the problems of a young family. Already spouses, not yet parents - this is how the period in the life of the newlyweds is indicated, which is closely examined in this issue.
For many believers, the priesthood and married life seem hardly compatible. Many of those reading these lines can recall their bewilderment or even disappointment when they first learned that priests were married! Indeed, how can one who has promised to devote himself entirely to God share his love between God and those with whom he is connected exclusively in his "private" life - with his family? What other family does a priest need if the Lord Himself pointed to the community of the faithful as those who essentially replace it (Mark 3:33-35)?
Family life is inextricably linked with the atmosphere of the “worldly”: the father of the family takes care of material prosperity, is constantly absorbed in solving various momentary problems. The very joys of married life seem to be far from any truly sacred content. Therefore, the approach of the Catholic Church (which prescribes obligatory celibacy, that is, the celibacy of a clergyman) seems to be the most logical: the priest fully devotes himself to the heavenly, freeing himself from worldly attachments.
In Orthodox Christianity, the marriage issue is resolved differently. "White" clergy, that is, priests with families, serve in parish churches. The "black" clergy, bound by vows of abstinence and non-possession, serve in monasteries and farmsteads, and also supply the most worthy persons for episcopal service. The ordination of a priest who is not bound by the bonds of marriage and at the same time does not belong to a monastic rank is considered in Orthodoxy as an extraordinary event, the attitude towards which still remains wary.
So, 90% of all the clergy with whom the parishioners deal are married people, lovers of their wives and fathers of their children. Each candidate for the clergy, in addition to being properly educated (that is, having a special, theological education) and a correct believer (that is, sharing the faith of his Mother Church), must be a correct husband and father in his family. The Orthodox Church expects a future priest to prove his pastoral talent and spirit of love by a successful marriage before ordination. The New Testament texts, Council resolutions, church canons, with surprising insistence, emphasize the need for a clergyman (and for a certain period of the history of the Church even for bishops) to marry and take care of their family, as of the Church of Christ.
The marriage of a priest is a testimony in this world
In the Orthodox mind, a clergyman, his way of life, faith and appearance has the status of canonicity. It is believed that the priest is worth imitating, since he himself excels in imitation and leads a life in accordance with Christian ideals. The marriage of a priest or deacon also acquires features of normativity. The way he entered into marriage, what kind of relations reign in his family, how he treats his wife, who is now commonly called “mother,” all this seems extremely interesting to any parishioner. And the point here is not curiosity or the desire to gossip about someone else's personal life, but the fact that the family occupies one of the most important places in the life of every person. Every Christian needs a positive example of married life and wise "marriage" edification much more than instructions about and charms, which abound in the pulpit speeches of archpriests and priests. A worthy example of a family whose relationships are based on mutual love, fidelity and His commandments can play no less a missionary and counseling role than preaching. After all, where else, besides the house of a clergyman, can one find a marriage for which moral values, reliably forgotten by the world, are still fundamentally important.
Modern young people are afraid to link their fate with someone "to the end", for life. The priest is bound to his wife forever; entails an immediate ban on service. The biblical idea that only another believing Christian can be a companion of a believing Christian in marriage is not always clear to contemporaries. The betrothed in the world is chosen, taking into account his wealth, external attractiveness, status. And in the marriage of a priest, such a situation is fraught with an imminent tragedy: the rhythm of church service, many difficulties and trials will turn out to be a real tragedy for a mother who is alien to the values of her husband. Modern man tries to get away from all sorts of responsibilities and obligations.
Many prefer friendship to friendship, and flirting to marriage. Even church youth is in no hurry to start a family, cherishing their own, understood as an opportunity not to associate themselves with anyone and not be responsible for anything. But the life of the aspirant to service must be free from the ills of the present described: a cleric enters into marriage only before taking office. Orthodox tradition requires the future priest to overcome the egoism inherent in every person, indecision and infantilism in the status of a husband, head of a family. Thus, it is affirmed that only those who are capable of creating a family are capable of responsible and serious service to God. A successful marriage of a clergyman, based on such high values and Christian principles, can become a source of inspiration and hope, an example for people who do not know how wonderful the union of two believers can be. However, in reality, the marriage of a clergyman is also in the “risk zone”.
Situation 1. A married, but, as it were, unmarried priest
Serving in the Church creates a lot of objective difficulties for the marriage of a clergyman. Irregular working hours, the presence of "evening shifts", the absence of common days off for the family (Saturday and Sunday, rest days for residents of Russia are the most working days for clergy) - all this contributes to the relationship of the priest with his household. Just yesterday, a husband and wife stood side by side at a church service, holding hands, but now the husband is in the altar, and joint prayer shoulder to shoulder is now possible only at home. Internet forums are full of complaints about how hard it is to be a priest's wife: almost always it means living alone, without the help of a spouse in solving pressing domestic problems. A priest who devotes himself to public service simply does not have the time and energy to solve his private, family problems.
All these features of church service cannot cause a serious family tragedy as long as the cleric perceives them as problems that must be overcome and compensated in some way in the name of preserving family peace. The danger arises when the priest perceives his forced absence from the family as a virtue and a God-sanctioned feature of his profession. Meanwhile, the philosophy of priestly marriage that has spontaneously developed in modern Orthodoxy encourages such an attitude.
As an illustration of this thought, we can cite the custom that has developed at the present time to forever part with the wedding ring after ordination. It turns out that, a sign of mutual fidelity of two spouses, a visible symbol of an invisible relationship, there is no place on the finger of someone who has chosen to serve the altar. As an ideological justification for this custom, lofty words are cited that from now on the Church of Christ is the wife of a priest, while the Sacrament of Consecration itself is interpreted as a ceremony of the wedding of a priest with the Church. However, this pious rhetoric hides an unattractive reality that gives rise to a lot of sharp questions and objections.
A reasonable question arises: if in the life of a priest the place of the wife turns out to be partially occupied by the Church, then what should be the place of the spouse in the heart of the mother? Reading the Pastoral Epistles of the Apostle Paul, we find that church service is rather a continuation of the family life of a Christian, but by no means an alternative to it. Scripture repeatedly informs us that the only bridegroom of the Church is, but nowhere do we find words that a priest or deacon becomes such a bridegroom after ordination. Finally, wouldn't it be more honest for a clergyman to not marry at all in relation to his wife and children, since the chosen ministry is incompatible with a full-fledged family life?
Often a priest accepts the established rules of the game, preferring to be a prominent widower surrounded by dozens of adored spiritual daughters and sons. Maybe this way is the most convenient? Many men want to spend as much time as possible in a job they enjoy and want to reduce their obligations to the family to the level of financial support, while enjoying all the privileges of a family man. But, as it turns out, only a priest or a deacon can provide a proper ideological basis for this essentially egoistic striving. Needless to say, the inevitable result of such behavior is always a marriage crisis, which often ends in divorce.
Situation 2. The marriage of a priest is a closed topic.
Realizing that at present church service is surrounded by a mass of stereotypes that threaten family happiness, clerics often make the topic of their family life completely closed to the community.
Often the wife of a priest specifically does not visit the church where her husband serves. After all, close attention from believers and the teachings of church grandmothers can deprive even the meekest of mothers of peace of mind. Parishioners with "experience" (especially in small towns and rural areas) can make a young priest a lot of outwardly formal, meaningless demands, from which he hurries to hide in the comfort of the hearth. Only in communion with the household can he take off the pious mask that the parish requires of him, and become himself: a loving husband and a tender father. Such a “privatization” of family life cannot be reproached with a clergyman; such behavior is not due to his inner weakness, but to the specific way of parish life that developed before him. It only remains to be regretted that the happy marriage of a priest does not serve to preach about Christ, which is most effective if confirmed by deeds and a way of life.
Situation 3. "Patriarchal" marriage.
It happens that priests do not make secrets from their family life. The only pity is that in many cases, instead of the icon of matrimony, parishioners see a lubok. For some reason, a patriarchal type of family with archaic elements is considered a real church marriage, where a woman is destined for a housewife (another church stereotype: it turns out that a cleric's wife cannot work), and all family members must obey the man unquestioningly. This is reminiscent of some kind of role-playing game in which each of the participants follows a strictly defined, but long outdated role, even in clothes imitating the fashion of previous centuries. And the question often arises among parishioners: why should a marriage based on Christian principles in the 21st century be adjusted to the standards of the 18th century? Such a specially built "Orthodox marriage" can hardly serve as a model for all Christians. It is not possible for such spouses to separate the eternal in the Christian union, which is laid down in it by the Lord, from the historically introduced. The Christian dimension of family life, manifested in the mutual, equality and emotional closeness of the spouses, is forgotten in favor of the literal observance of the cultural and everyday realities of centuries gone by.
Love is the basis of marriage. Even the priest.
The situations described above are different in appearance, but in all the important principles underlying Christian marriage are equally violated. Unfortunately, today the dignity of priestly marriage has to be defended not only from the threats and temptations of modern civilization, but also from specific church stereotypes. Chief among them is the notion that in the life of a cleric the family is doomed to a "natural" displacement by sacred service. teaches us the opposite: successful service in the Church of God is a continuation of the family life of a priest or deacon. All that is required of him is to comply with those norms of married life that are communicated to marriage by Christian teaching. Fortunately, these norms are perfectly compatible with the family values of modern culture: mutual respect, responsibility of the participants in marriage, equality and emotional closeness.
One of the greatest treasures of the Orthodox Church's tradition is the practice of the married priesthood. Despite the strongest monastic influence, the Church managed to defend this tradition. Many holy fathers pointed out that family life, care and heartfelt love for a spouse and children serve as a good medicine for a priest from various forms of fascination with himself, temptation by the greatness of his ministry. It can be said that the spirituality in the full sense of a family priest, who is not ashamed of his marriage, has that necessary degree of soundness and balance, which makes him a responsible and mature pastor.
Deacon Alexei Volchkov
illustrations: Alexandra Ershova
Sergey asksAnswered by Alexandra Lantz, 03/11/2010
Sergei asks:"Tell me why priests were forbidden to marry a girl who had lost her innocence (). Is this prohibition relevant today in the light of the New Testament () () Why yes or no? Thanks in advance."
Peace be with you, Sergey!
The fact is that everything that God has prescribed for His chosen people symbolically reveals to us the plan for the salvation of mankind.
It is very important to understand that through the example of carnal relationships, God shows us spiritual truths (). If you lose sight of this, if you do not pray that you will correctly understand the images and symbols of Holy Scripture, then you can fall into a strong error. May the Savior help us in understanding His word, may He be with us and in us by His Holy Spirit, to direct our gaze to Heaven, where there is not and cannot be fallen flesh, but every Word of the Most High is pure and holy and active.
In Old Testament times, the priests, all together and individually, represented Christ (). Remember what a huge number of prescriptions there were for their purification, sanctification, keeping oneself in holiness? The priests were given the majestic and essentially amazing privilege to be representatives of God Himself among the chosen people, to be the personification of Christ (). However, in order for them not to forget about their fallen nature, that they are the same as the rest of the people, sinners who need constant washing away of their sins, this branched system of purification was introduced. Yes, the action was performed on the flesh, but it symbolized exclusively spiritual truths.
“Let them keep my commandments, lest they bear sin upon themselves and die in it when they break it. I am the Lord who sanctifies them» (). Pay special attention to the fact that they do not sanctify themselves by what they do, but God sanctifies them when they try to do everything right.
Due to the fact that the priests personified Christ and the events for the salvation of mankind, everything in their lives was somehow subordinated to the goal of revealing these events. Even their personal lives were to demonstrate the relationship between Christ and the Church.
The moment of the priest's marriage always pointed to the latest event in the history of our sinful earth - the marriage (reunion) of the Lamb (Christ) and His bride (the Church).
That the priest (representing Christ) could not be chosen as a bride (the bride personified the Church) non-virgin, i.e. woman who had ever belonged to another - this symbolically indicated that the Church, before the second coming of Christ, the Holy and Righteous Bridegroom, would pure and unblemished.
In language accessible to fallen mankind, God explains what the relationship between Christ and His people (the Church) should be. If you are a student of the Bible, then you have probably noticed that the words "fornication" and "adultery" are often used not only for those who actually fornicate according to the flesh, but also in a spiritual sense. Look, for example, at these verses:
And I saw that when, for all the adulterous acts of the apostate daughter of Israel, I let her go and gave her a bill of divorce, her treacherous sister Judah was not afraid, but went and committed fornication herself. And by sheer fornication she defiled the earth, and committed adultery with stone and wood.
This clearly shows that apostasy from God is seen as adultery on the part of His people. Worshiping other gods, following false truths, false worship - all this is fornication and adultery of a people betrothed to the True God.
All her idols will be broken and all her adulterous gifts will be burned with fire, and all her idols will be destroyed, for she arranged them from adulterous gifts, and they will be turned into adulterous gifts.
Again we see that the worship of idols, the offering of gifts to idols is nothing but the spiritual fornication of believers. Christ cannot take such a "bride" as His wife. She does not love Him, does not wait, does not long for a meeting with Him, but is defiled with "others". Read also
Thus, the marriage of any Old Testament priest has always been a symbol of what must happen on the last day of the fallen world:
“Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory; for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his wife has prepared herself. And it was given to her to put on fine linen, clean and bright; the fine linen is the righteousness of the saints" ().
This text tells us very clearly that the Church must prepare herself to meet Christ. Spiritual Marriage of the Savior and the Church (= second coming of Christ to earth) will not come until the "wife" prepares herself, until she is clothed in the fine linen of the righteousness of those who belong to her: "the linen is the righteousness of the saints."
Your second question concerns today's times, because we live in the times of the new covenant, according to which every person who entered into a covenant with God at the sacrifice of Christ becomes a priest:
“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy people, a people taken as an inheritance, in order to proclaim the perfections of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light” ()
It is my deep conviction that New Testament priests should be even more careful in choosing a wife than Old Testament priests, but at the same time they should remember that We live not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit(), i.e. when choosing a wife, a person should be guided not by the carnal signs of purity, but by the spiritual signs that his chosen one is born again and is trying with all her might to keep this integrity of hers.
After all, you must admit that many of us come to Christ after the terrible years of life in darkness, when we, led by an unclean spirit, exposed ourselves to all kinds of uncleanness, and we have no opportunity to correct what we missed while living by pagan standards. Our body remains dirty, bearing traces of our past godlessness. And now what? Does God really love that sinner who managed to avoid physical fornication more than the one who, having suffered in the nets of Satan and having lost her physical purity, sincerely repented and loved Christ with all her heart ()? No, God loves both equally strongly, and wants to see both of them happy in marriage. And for this, both of them need to become, first of all, spiritual virgins. This is very well said here:
Therefore, whoever is in Christ, [he] is a new creation; the old has passed everything is new now.
For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision means anything, but a new creation....neither virginity, nor not virginity, nor the presence of arms and legs, nor the ability to conceive children, nor past sins, no matter how terrible they were ... - all this referred to life according to the flesh, and now everything is new, now the old the way of life of the old man, decaying in seductive lusts, was postponed, but a renewal of the mind took place and the believer became a completely new person who, according to God, is holy and righteous ().
And it is precisely such women that the New Testament priests should take as wives: born again, spiritual virgins who love God more than their lives, more than their well-being. After all, this is what the Church will be like just before the coming of Jesus.
Regarding your question on . This text does not refer to a wife, but to a male priest and says that a believer in Christ should not have more than one wife.
Sincerely,
Sasha.
Read more on the topic "Interpretation of Scripture":
| Feb 21 |
questions
Date: 01/09/2009 at 20:48Father Andrew, good evening! I have a few questions about the life of priests:
1. Do all priests have to be married?
2. Can a priest take a vow of celibacy?
3. Can he get married when he has already taken the rank and is serving?
4. What does a priest do outside the church if, for example, he does not have a family? Can he go to the cinema, to a restaurant, to the gym, etc.
5. Are priests allowed to drink, smoke?
6. Can a priest travel abroad?
7. Can he have friends among ordinary lay people?
8. Why do all priests wear beards?
9. Can a priest engage in other activities besides ministry? Earn money in a regular specialty to feed a large family?
Sorry for these questions, but they come up all the time. Thank you.
1. No, not all. They can be both married and unmarried. Priests cannot marry. They are either already married candidates, or not.
2. Of course. Only this is done even before taking the dignity.
3. No, it can't.
4. A priest is always a priest, even after the service. Therefore, he can only engage in those deeds that do not humiliate his dignity and do not contradict the commandments.
5. They can drink alcohol in moderation and on allowed days, but not smoke.
6. Maybe, but it would be better if it is a pilgrimage or a business trip.
7. Maybe.
8. This is an ancient Eastern tradition. The beard indicates that the person is already a man, not a young man. And if God created us like that, why, if not for panache, shave it?
9. Maybe, but if this work does not contradict the commandments and canons. In Russia, I think, there is no such need: if he works properly in the "field of Christ", then he will have enough in abundance.
An expert in canon law, Catholic priest Dmitry Pukhalsky answers:
Although Catholic priests are prohibited from marrying, there are also married priests in the Catholic Church.
What's the matter here? Speaking of celibacy, you need to remember that this is a voluntary refusal to marry. Therefore, it is more correct to say not that Catholic priests are forbidden to marry, but that the Catholic Church ordains men who choose to live in celibacy as priests (there are several exceptions, which will be discussed in more detail below).
It should be recalled that, firstly, in both the Catholic and Orthodox churches, one cannot marry while already being a priest, and, secondly, celibacy is obligatory for those who have chosen monastic service.
Consider, however, situations in which a Catholic priest may be married. The first of these is that he is not a priest of the Latin rite. As you may know, in addition to the Latin Rite (with which most people associate Catholicism), there are Eastern Rite Churches in full communion with the Holy See (today there are 23). There are married priests there, since celibacy is not obligatory for them (but, again, you can never get married after taking the priesthood!). By the way, the priests of these churches can also serve in the Latin rite.
The next situation in which married clergy may appear - already in the Latin Rite Catholic Church - is the reunion of Anglican priests with it. According to the Apostolic Constitution Anglicanorum coetibus of 15 January 2011, the ordination of former Anglican married priests as Latin Rite priests is permitted subject to certain conditions.
It is important to remember that celibacy is only a tradition; it has no doctrinal basis. In the first centuries of Christianity, communities did not require celibacy from priests, but some of the clergy even then voluntarily chose the path of celibacy. Celibacy only became compulsory for priests during the reign of Pope Gregory VII in the 11th century.
What will happen to a priest if he marries during his service? According to canon 1394 of the Code of Canon Law, a priest who tries to enter into a marriage is subject to ecclesiastical punishment ("suspension"), the consequence of which is a ban on serving. The punishment is "automatic", that is, a direct and immediate consequence of the priest's attempt to consummate the marriage. If, however, a person who has left the priestly ministry wants to marry his wife in the Catholic Church and participate in the sacraments, then this requires exemption (dispensation) from celibacy, the provision of which remains the exclusive prerogative of the Pope of Rome.