I don't worry about death. Psychological help. How to deal with the death of a loved one

At the very beginning, I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards the death of a person has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about it if an elderly person has died. There is a death that happens to people of middle age, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief has caught a small child, they are often silent about it. What is it connected with?

First, every person has a fear regarding his own death. The phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I do not come into contact with this, this will not happen to me or to my loved ones.

Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us has died. There are funerals, commemorations, memorial days. On them people cry, eat and drink. And often we are faced with the problem when we do not know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy with our acquaintances. Usually the phrase is: "Please accept our condolences."

Thirdly, it is not always clear to those in whose family grief happened how to behave with people. Whether to talk about your trouble, to whom to report? People can choose two lines of behavior. One of them is to close, withdraw into yourself, experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the other world, that he is well, that everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes it happens that a person can handle grief and"stuck" in German This is called "complicated loss symptom" and they come in several forms:

Chronic grief. A person cannot accept that a loved one is no more. Even years later, the reaction to memories is very acute. Let's say a woman cannot get married again if she lost her husband even more than a few years ago, his photo is everywhere. A person does not go into real life, lives in memories.
Exaggerated grief. In this situation, a person can increase the feeling of guilt, exaggerate it. This can happen with the loss of a child: a woman strongly blames herself, respectively, emotionally strongly attached to death.
Masked or suppressed grief. A person does not show his experiences, he does not feel them. Usually such suppression results in psychosomatic illnesses, including headaches.
Unexpected grief. As they say, when nothing foreshadowed trouble. The sudden death of a loved one provokes the impossibility of acceptance, exacerbates self-accusations, and aggravates depression.
Delayed grief. A person seems to be postponing for a while the passage through the stages of loss, turning off or blocking his feelings. This does not mean that he coped with the situation.
Absent grief. The person denies the loss, is in a state of shock.

In fact, psychologists have long described the healthy stages of experiencing loss or acute grief. For each person, their duration and intensity is individual. Someone can get stuck in one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of grief, you can help yourself to really mourn for a person whom you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced a loss. I suggest considering both.

First classification

1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. He seems to be in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by such phrases: “This cannot be”, “I do not believe”, “He is still breathing”. A person can try to feel the pulse himself, it seems to him that doctors can be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death did not happen.

What to do: there used to be a good tradition when a deceased person was at home for 3 days - this helped to realize what had happened. Now those who say goodbye approach the coffin, kiss the deceased on the forehead - this is a very important action. So a person feels that a really close one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you did not see the body of the deceased, did not see the funeral, then the stage of denial may be delayed. You will understand that a person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.

2. Anger. The person becomes aggressive. And here it all depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also yourself, that, for example, did something wrong. Can accuse the deceased himself that he was not careful or did not follow his health. Anger may be directed at other relatives. There are such phrases here: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”

What to do: It is important to understand that anger is a normal reaction. The basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to respond. Get angry, discuss your anger, write it down on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, now it hurts a lot, the process of experiencing the loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.

3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to a person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: "If I devoted more time to my mother, she could live longer." In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person goes into his fantasies and tries to seem to agree with God or fate.

What to do: let your mind play through these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that a dear person will never be there again. The main thing is to stop in time, not to go into a sect. Remember the soldier resurrection scams?

4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy, says: "Everything is meaningless." Depression can be expressed in different forms. It is very important to take care of yourself and seek help in a timely manner. People complain of a bad mood, depression, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, tried to bargain. Now he understands that really nothing can be changed.

What to do: neither in in which case you can not be left alone, be sure to invite to friends, relatives, ask them to take care, let them stay in yourself, cry enough, worry. This is fine. The time is really important now.

5. Acceptance. When a person has really gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. Come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build your life in a new way. Of course, he will remember a loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.

What to do: be grateful to yourself for having found the strength to honestly endure grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to the acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.

Second classification

Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, half a year and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance, it is precisely such time frames that make it possible to gradually come to an acceptance of the situation.

9 days. Usually a person is not can understand to the end of what happened. Tactics here, most often, two. Either leaving for themselves, or excessive activity in funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, cry, talk to other people.

40 days. At this stage, a grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, he dreams of the deceased.

Six months. Gradually there is a process of acceptance. Grief seems to “roll over”, and this is normal.

Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.

How to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one

Cry out. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man. Having a good cry and doing it regularly, as long as there is such a need, is very important. For feelings to find an outlet. If there is no desire to cry, you can watch a sad movie, listen to sad music.
Talk to someone. Discuss your grief as much as necessary. Let you tell the same thing to the tenth acquaintance - it doesn’t matter, this is how you process the situation.
Get on with your life. It is very important to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, but do not disconnect from life - very gradually, day by day. Clean the table, cook the soup, go out for a walk, pay the bills. It's grounding and helps you stay on your feet.
Follow the routine. When you have regular activities, it also helps your mind to be more calm.
Write letters to the dead. If you have feelings of guilt or other strong feelings for the deceased, write him a letter. You can drop it without an address in the mailbox, take it to the grave or burn it, as you like. It can be read to someone. It is important to remember that the person died and you stayed, take care of your feelings.
Contact a specialist. Of course, there are situations when it is difficult to survive the situation on your own and even with the help of loved ones, and a specialist will help you. Do not be afraid to consult a psychologist.
Take care of yourself. Life goes on. Indulge in simple pleasures.
Set goals. It is important for you to understand the connection with the future, so take care of planning. Set goals for the future and start realizing them.

What to say to children?

It is very important not to lie to the child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take the child with you to the funeral. Some children may have a negative perception of the process of digging into the ground. Therefore, it is important that there is an emotionally stable person next to the children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.

It is important not to tell the child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain, get over the situation. Each case is unique, so it is best to contact a child psychologist who will help in experiencing the trauma.

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss. How to help another person go through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped, and happiness without it is simply impossible?

No one wants to touch the topic of death - it touches us by itself! It happens suddenly and stunningly. Then her blow is even stronger, and the shock of the experienced shock leaves scars not only in the soul, but also on the body. How to survive the death of a loved one and not go crazy with grief? How can you help someone who is experiencing the pain of loss? The answer is given by Yuri Burlan's System-Vector Psychology, which shows that our entire psyche, like a thin lace, is woven from two forces - the force of life and the force of death.

The death of a loved one is an irreparable loss.

Why such unbearable pain? Empty inside and empty outside. You just don't know how to live. The death of a loved one seems to be thrown into another reality: into a meaningless and empty world, in which there is no person dear to the heart.

When a person is suddenly overtaken by the departure of a loved one, he forgets about everything. At this moment, the brain seems to turn off, and he walks like a somnambulist, stumbling not only on the things of a loved one, but also on memories of him.

And the memories are overwhelmed by a wave of emotions, and in the heart again and again there is pain from the loss of a loved one. And now the tears are choking, there is a lump in the throat, there are no words, the legs just give way. How to cope with the loss of a loved one?

And if someone from your environment experiences the loss, you are also bitter and hurt, but already for him. I want to help, but do not know how to find words of comfort.

You see how his whole being resists the news of the loss. You seem to hear him mentally screaming: “I don’t believe it! It can't be! It's unfair that such a good man has passed away!" And then loneliness, longing, unbridled grief suck him into their quagmire. I want to reach out to him, get him out of there. But how?

How to help another person go through this difficult period of life? And how to survive the death of a loved one yourself, when it seems that life has stopped and happiness without it is simply impossible? Let's figure it out in this article.

Psychological aspects of the experience of death

Most people take death hard. Everyone reacts to death in their own way. Everything is due to the unconscious features of our psyche. The system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan classifies all these properties and unconscious desires, calling them vectors. And since people are not the same, recommendations on how to survive the death of a loved one also depend on the psychology of a person.

A person lives among other people. And we all have an innate set of vectors for fulfilling our role in society. Someone has been given an excellent memory, another - increased emotionality, a third - a brilliant mind, etc. Mixing different vectors creates a unique pattern of the psyche.

That's why Each person experiences loss in their own way. Some start, others rampantly, others fall into, and some confidently take on all the trouble of organizing.

As the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan says, a person is always a desire to survive and continue oneself in time. In a state of superstress - and death is certainly such a state - unconscious programs of adaptation come into play.

These are unconscious reactions, and a person simply does not understand what is happening to him. Why is he drawn into the abyss of fear, why does he fall into a stupor or, on the contrary, begins to flicker?

What does it depend on? From those innate properties that nature has endowed us with. And they are all different. Surviving the loss of a loved one, coping with longing and hopelessness will be easier when you realize what is happening to the psyche.

When a person feels guilty

Among us there are special people for whom family, children, friends, gratitude, justice are super-values. All life events pass through this most important filter of perception for them. It is easy for such a person to sink into a sense of guilt, feeling pain because he did not thank the departed during his lifetime. The owners of these properties experience special, unbearable pain from the death of a beloved child - it is felt as a loss of the meaning of life.

Such a person also tends to immerse himself in memories, especially if they are pleasant memories. In this state, a person loses his foothold. He needs help to regain his balance. Death is a huge shock for him, he unconsciously tries to return to the past, when everything was fine. In this state, he begins to live in memories.

From one news of the death of a loved one, such a person's legs give way, palpitations begin, shortness of breath. He might even get sick with his heart. It is especially difficult for the owner of the anal vector to survive the death of the mother. To adapt the loss of a loved one and return to life again, the bearer of these properties always needs more time than the rest.

Who falls into hysterics from the loss of a loved one

Overcoming a sudden loss is especially difficult for people with a visual vector. Because at the heart of their psyche lies the root fear - the fear of death. It is they who, from the pain of loss, very often begin to sob, sink into self-pity or fall into hysterics, that is, they become locked in the lower states of the visual vector. A sudden break in the emotional connection with the deceased is a huge stress for such people, they do not control themselves, they do not understand how to survive this death and get out of difficult conditions.

As they go downhill, they get sucked in more and more by the vortex of fear of death. It is possible to get out of such difficult states only by understanding the whole mechanism and amplitude of visual states, to which more than 20 hours are devoted to Yuri Burlan's training.

It is people with a visual vector who run the risk of plunging into a state of self-pity, which is actually very destructive, because it locks the sufferer on himself and again on himself unhappy. And the visual vector belongs to the four extraverted vectors for which isolation is unnatural and harmful.

This is one of the biggest mistakes that leads to later health problems for the bereaved. He develops psychosomatic illnesses.

So how not to lose your mind from grief, and also help another to survive these states and not fall into unbridled self-pity and endless longing?

Tears help you cope with the death of a loved one.

But tears are different. In a state of loss, when an unbearable tragedy clouds the mind, we begin to cry out of fear for ourselves. A whole circle of thoughts rushes through my head: how will I live without a close, beloved, dear person?

We often cry in self-pity. But tears can bring relief if you can redirect the vector of attention from yourself to others, to those who are also feeling bad right now. Visual people have a unique talent for empathy and compassion: the desire to support and comfort another will bring you great relief in how to survive the loss of a loved one.

Of course, the loss of a loved one is a difficult situation. It is important to understand all the psychological features of these conditions, then you will be able not only to cope with the pain yourself, but also to help other people who have experienced a loss.

When the death of a loved one is the greatest tragedy

But a person with an anal-visual combination of vectors experiences the loss especially strongly. For the anal vector, the greatest value is family, mother, children. For the visual, these are emotional connections with other people.

When a person has such a bond, for him the loss is a huge blow to his super-values, it is a break in an emotional connection that can never be restored.

Here, memories of the past and lost emotional ties are woven into a tight knot. He is simply drawn into a whirlpool of memories, where he remembers all the good things, and some insults, and disappointments. All this at the same time has a very bright emotional color, and he gets worse and worse, up to panic attacks and the inability to move his legs.

Naturally, colleagues, relatives and friends learn about the loss. They, of course, always offer help and support. But a person immersed in grief often unconsciously pushes away a helping hand. You must have come across such situations. It is important to understand that a person still needs help. How to help him?

A person in grief - a special approach is needed

It is necessary to support loved ones skillfully. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives such advice.

Be sure to support the person sincerely and wholeheartedly, but do not fall into lamentations like “how are you going to live now?”.

Moreover, if you hear such notes, you need to be very attentive, make mental efforts and try to bring his longing into bright memories.

Do not let the impressionable and emotional owners of the visual vector draw scary pictures in their imagination.

Of course, in the first days he will be immersed in his grief, but later he must be brought out into society. Help him see that someone else is having a harder time than he is.

Those who love to live in memories can express their feelings through memoirs written for posterity about such a wonderful person.

So death is always an occasion to remember the good that was associated with this person. Remember what the departed did in his life, remember joyful, happy moments and understand that a person close to you left his own unique mark in this world.

You can survive the death of a loved one

First of all, if one of your loved ones is suffering from a loss, talking to him, talk about the fact that life goes on and going through hard times is best in society.

After all, the loss of loved ones is a natural and natural stage of life. Life goes on! And only we choose what energy to fill life with: the energy of joy, the light that will remain after us, or longing and grief, when they will shy away from you and try to bypass everyone around.

This is what the participants of the training say, who got rid of pain, and the departure of a loved one became for them a page of bright sadness instead of a terrible and unbearable pain of the heart.

The death of a loved one - a tragedy or a new chord of life?

Man does everything to continue himself in time. And naturally, each of the loved ones leaves their mark. Someone in their children, another in science or art, and some in general leave a deep mark on the soul of all mankind.

The tragedy of the death of a loved one is not the final chord of your life, but an opportunity to think about how your life sounds in the present. Are there any false notes in it, are you doing everything to leave your unique mark on the earth.

Life after death

Life is a cycle of energy, which, as you know, does not disappear without a trace. So there is no real death. The universe is arranged according to the holographic principle. Even from a piece of a small leaf, a holographic trace of the whole leaf remains.

So we do not disappear into nowhere - we leave our mark: both material and spiritual.

Humans are actually much stronger than we think. It is much easier for a person to survive the shock of death when he has something to live for. When there is something that depends only on him, on his efforts and that is much greater than himself. And it is not always children or other relatives, sometimes a person is forced to live by an idea, the embodiment of which is the meaning of his life.

It is possible to get rid of the pain of loss, and most importantly, to survive it without loss to health, when we become aware of the unconscious mechanisms that govern our lives. You can start getting acquainted with these powerful forces, restore their natural balance at the free online training Systemic Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.

Save yourself from suffering and heartache.

The article was written based on the materials of the training " System-Vector Psychology»

A very large number of people turn to our website with a request to help them survive the death of a loved one. This is probably one of the most terrible events that a person has to face. I propose to discuss this topic at this round table. How to cope? How to survive?

There is such a concept in the Christian idea and church vocabulary - humility. What is the highest meaning of leaving a person before you? What is the point of being left alone with your own grief? Sometimes this happens if we don’t understand something, we haven’t learned something yet, we still have to do something. Our soul needs this experience for further development. In any case, it is worth trying to see in life what you were given such a difficult stage for. Nothing happens senselessly, and in such a situation it is better to use your spiritual strength to search for what you have not yet completed, what you have not understood, what you have not had time to do and must definitely fulfill in this world.

If you really loved the departed person, then understand that no matter how painful it is, you can’t think only about yourself in this situation. After all, someone thought about him when he made the decision to take him to another world, and there were reasons for that. Surely weighty. People often ask me: what if I don't believe in God? Then I will answer differently, although the essence of this does not change. God, nature, our subconscious are essentially the same thing. Christ said, "The kingdom of God is within you." And this is the soul of a person, the deepest layer of his subconscious, in the language of psychology. And the departure of a person from this world is not someone else's decision. This decision, first of all, the person himself - most often unconscious. But accepted in harmony with the soul, nature, God - whatever, that is, a certain universal decision from the point of view of metaphysics.

Many researchers of the human psyche and the whole branch of psychology and philosophy - thanatology - say unequivocally that death is never accidental. Not “stupid”, not “absurd”, but justified and prepared by the whole life of a person. And a person leaves when, from the point of view of the highest meaning, he can and is ready.

These thoughts can lead you to accept grief, because death is something that we can no longer change. But "to accept" does not mean "to stop worrying". These things must go hand in hand.

Experiencing is allowing your emotions to be as they are. And do not suppress your tears, screams, no matter how it may seem to you and others "ugly". If someone is afraid to be in such a state next to you - this is their choice, do not demand more from them than they can give. But you can definitely allow YOURSELF any manifestations that do not threaten your safety. And if you wish, you can always find someone/those who will understand your feelings and be able to be with you in a similar state, supporting you. In particular, there is also professional help for this.

In addition to acceptance and experience, there is another aspect: often people are haunted by guilt, it seems to them that they are somehow responsible, they could "foresee" or "guess and do something." In fact, this feeling is directly connected in a person with distrust of the world and the desire to control everything around. The stronger this desire, the stronger the feeling of guilt. A person, scrolling through his head endless options "what he could do if", in fact, struggles with his sense of helplessness associated with the fact that he could not control this part of the world process - the life of a loved one. I could not and never will be able to in the future, we must also try to accept this. Then the guilt will subside. Part of the fault is to some extent a normal manifestation of grief, if it does not become chronic.

But the more independent and open the relationship of people before the death of one of them, the less risk that the guilt will become chronic. Therefore, it is important to rethink, path and against the backdrop of grief, your relationship with the deceased. Were they too dependent? Or free? Were they sincere? If you have made any mistakes in relation to the deceased - try to comprehend them again and try to forgive yourself. After all, in that situation you could not do otherwise. And such mistakes could not be the main cause of his death - you should not interpret them that way.

Unfortunately, such a large topic cannot be covered within the framework of one round table. Apparently, everyone needs to find their own way of accepting, experiencing and trusting the world. The important thing is that after the death of a loved one, we will no longer be the same, but what we will become - this should be decided by everyone for themselves. And, I think, the departed person will at least not be worse if, having gone through the experience of grief, we become better, find some other answers to questions in our life, meanings, turn to some new resources in ourselves.

I want to appeal to the family, friends and relatives of a person who is especially deeply and acutely experiencing the loss..

Support, but do not pull your loved one out of this difficult experience of grief. The entire period of residence lasts for everyone in different ways - from two months to two years. The habits are the same. Initially, this is the shock phase: protest, denial, intense anger (“This cannot be!”)

at the next stage of reacting: despair and impotence are replaced by anger, rage and indignation ("Why is this happening to me!?")

Grief is gradually lived through (everyone has a different pace!) And the third phase begins - withdrawal, during which there is a release, separation from grief, from loss, dissociation ... A difficult event gradually remains in the past.

And finally, the return to a new life!!

Just be there, talk, take an interest in the state, well-being, if you feel, understand that you cannot cope on your own, that a person close to you cannot cope on his own and you do not have enough strength and knowledge how to support him - send, advise him to contact professionals who work in this area of psychological counseling.

I propose to go directly to practical help.

What I will bring to your attention now is worth reading to the end, answering the questions posed to yourself, completing tasks and not being distracted. Find a secluded, quiet place, warn others (so that they do not disturb or worry about you), turn off the communicators.

One IMPORTANT CONDITION - read this consultation not earlier than 2 months after the death of a loved one! These two months belong only to your feelings, and only you yourself, with the support of loved ones, can properly say goodbye to the departed.

If, after the expiration of the specified period, continue to feel guilt, the severity of the loss, do not stop asking yourself the question "Why did this happen ?!", think about this...

“Memory is a wonderful thing, but you need to remember in such a way that you and the departed feel good.” All religions say that you need to bury a person’s body and release his soul.

Often we cannot accept the very fact of the burial of a loved one. All the events of those days endlessly return, break us, and it is impossible to come to terms with what happened.

Leave now all the fuss of the funeral process, the sympathetic participation of others, financial problems and all other everyday tasks ... Let's now imagine how you would like to see off and bury your loved one, if everything depended only on you and was possible ...

- Think about what place you would choose for burial. It can be an ordinary cemetery, an open hill, a cliff above the ocean, a birch grove or a lonely grave in an open meadow ... Describe the surrounding landscape in detail: trees, flowers, seasons, color of clouds, sounds ... Where would he be calmer?

Where would you come to pay tribute to memory, bring flowers, sit silently or stand with your head bowed and remember the deceased alive ...

- Remember how he was doing ordinary things, talking with you, talking, sitting in his usual place ...

- Right now (mentally or aloud) you can say everything that you feel towards him and his departure ...

How does he look at you?

- What does he answer?

All the living bear some responsibility towards the dead.

- Think, What can you do here on earth to please him? Tell yourself more about it...

- Tell him that you take responsibility for those things that remain on earth, on yourself ...

- And now, when you took responsibility, what would you like to send him there? Maybe - your love, devotion, gratitude, memory ...

Raise your eyes, look into the distance and send it to him there.

- Illuminate his path with a white, soft, kind light. Pray and shine on him.

When you shine on him, you can understand, feel that the farther he moves away, the closer he becomes to you. As God, there is no one further, and in fact he is the closest.

Shine on him! You can send your love, devotion to him whenever you want. That's how it is now.

You can send your light to him there. And as soon as you feel warmth in your chest, you will understand that the light has reached him.

And now you can send your love and light there, and, feeling warm in your chest, understand that the light has reached him.

Take your time, feel the real warmth as long as you want, time doesn't matter...

Yes, the death of a loved one is the most terrible event. Someone may disagree with me, but everyone has their own opinion ...

A person endures this in his own way, to the best of his strength, mental and physical, depending on the degree of love for the deceased person, on how the person himself relates to the concept of “death”, on what kind of death it was, unexpected or after a long illness, on many factors ... About the stages of mourning - I will not repeat what my colleagues have already said.

After the death of a loved one, we feel sorry for... myself. I am overwhelmed with sadness about how I can live without a mom or dad (as an example), who will give advice or a recipe for pies, with whom to talk and argue about the political situation in the country, who will call you “baby”, despite your age “far over 40 ", who will just pat you on the back, supporting you in any endeavors, and no one will call you early in the morning on your birthday ... Once at a meeting of classmates, one already adult woman, talking about what happened over those many years, that we had not seen each other, she said: “And I am an orphan!” It was not clear to me, but when I lost my mother, and a year later, my father, I realized what this meant at the level of my feelings, sensations. It is not easy. But life goes on! That's what my dad said.

It is important to accept the death of a person. This is his destiny. She took the man as much as it should be. And it's not for us to judge, lament, get angry - everyone has their own life and their own death. We are not omnipotent to change the course of life. No one has stayed in this world forever. Life and death are inseparable.

It’s not worth blaming yourself for saying a loved one once rudely or not calling once again, was not there at the time of death, hid the “couple” in mathematics and mom was upset - it’s not worth it. This will not help, will not alleviate the fate of the deceased! Often, unconsciously (the collective conscience works), a person seeks to die instead of a loved one, goes into illness, trying to quickly leave for this person. It will not help the person who has died. Our love for them, parents, relatives and friends, friends and children may not manifest itself in such a sacrificial form - it is important to just remember them, commemorate them, do something that would please them (did not have time to go to Karelia or India, for example, so go there!), tell about the dead, give their image place in your heart! Vysotsky sang about "... A good religion was invented by the Indians, that we, having given up the ends, do not die for good." Yes, we believe or we do not believe, but it is possible that this is so. For example, when I work with a client about the death of relatives, I say that this person becomes their guardian angel! And everyone agrees!

If a newborn child dies, or an abortion is performed, or a miscarriage occurs, this is also death, and it is important to grieve, accept it. Pretending that nothing special happened, closing our hearts, freezing - we will not benefit those who will be born later. It is important to give this little man a place in the tribal system.

There is no need to judge a person who, for example, at a funeral, or in the first moments, days, months after the tragedy, does not shed a drop of tears - this is such a reaction, not everyone can cry. Someone wants someone to be there in these mournful days, someone, on the contrary, needs to be alone ... Someone cannot touch a cold body or kiss goodbye - accept it without judgment. Everyone grieves, worries - in his own way, with his own speed, intensity, as he can, as he allows himself.

And we, who are left to live, will live as long as we are destined and in memory of the deceased we will do a lot of good!

Visiting a psychologist is always useful, people themselves often cannot cope with their grief.

Today we will talk about the death of loved ones, about how to survive it.

We are all mortal. Everyone around us will one day die, just like us. As the saying goes, no one has yet come out of life alive.

However, it often happens that those whom we love leave for the Other World without asking us, without saying goodbye, without taking us with them, without asking how those who loved them will stay here. Such death is unpredictable: no one knows the hour and day it will leave, and each of us can leave at any moment.

This article, perhaps, will be subjective and written through my experience. If you search the Internet for the answer to the question “how to survive the death of a loved one” - there will be a ton of articles of the same type about different stages of grief, about how to survive it, based on a certain template. Most rewrite other texts. Tips on how to get out of depression are divided into religious (like “believe, go to church”), pragmatic (“let go, go to work”) and stupid, about nothing.

Psychologists monotonously, using coaching methods, without instructing, without teaching, push the person talking to them to turn over the page of the past as soon as possible, along with the crosses in the cemetery and once loved ones lying under them, and the psychologist would stick a star on his chest for completed task. And we became harder and stronger and more cynical, finally learning to step over our own and others' pain.

As long as we are alive and full of strength, we cannot believe in death. It often seems that death is an illusion, it does not exist. And no life plans, no happiness, no self-confidence, no flight of success can be interrupted by such an absurdity as death. Death is not about us.

However, she, this death, as if with a scythe, stands over everyone and measures the time, and for sure, better than us, she knows to whom and how much is measured. No matter what anyone says (and, for example, pathologists pretend that they get used to death, like forensic scientists, doctors), that you can get used to death - you can’t.

You can never accept that only (or recently, in case of a serious illness) a healthy, young, handsome person lived, but now he is gone, his lively eyes, voice, laughter, tears are not there ... This cannot become the norm - as some reassure themselves. Death is always against nature, the opposite of life. Even according to the biblical version - death, like a curse, appeared only as a result of sin, initially people were immortal.

As Freud and his followers said, there are different types of people who perceive death in different ways, both their own and those of their loved ones. And there are such types of people who accept someone else's death more easily than others, they see in death deliverance from the mortal world, from suffering, from pain, peace, they react more or less evenly to the death of loved ones. And there are types of people who, with their suffering for the deceased, will bring themselves to a heart attack, stroke, sleep on his grave, cry for years, go crazy in the literal and figurative sense. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle...

A friend of mine literally lost three close people in just a couple of months. I can't imagine how in her situation it could be said that death is a relief for the departed, it's easy to let go ... A quick calm behavior would be crazy than sobs and depression.

The death of young people and especially the death of a child for a mother is a grief that you will not cross and will not forget, and how to survive his advice is difficult to give ... It is extremely unfair - to bury those who did not have time to live, who were born, so that, it turns out, just die ...

Of course, the pain of loss depends on the degree of kinship, closeness with the deceased. Thousands of people die every day in the world, and only the death of loved ones really touches us.

In some catastrophes, when people die, very often psychologists try to support the relatives of the victims. According to the reviews of those who went through such support: I wanted the psychologist to just pour tea, sit next to me, give handkerchiefs for tears and ... .. was silent ... when everyone started pestering “let's talk about your grief, open up, don't accumulate in yourself, speak up, you will become easier” — I wanted to give on the forehead.

Different, of course, there are psychologists, but it happens that they do their job like robots, otherwise burnout will occur. And now he doesn’t care about the one whom people have lost, and everything is covered in the eyes of relatives - they have lost the most dear thing in this world, and no one will understand them, and from this relative there was a pectoral cross, and yesterday it was a man, a child . For others, this is one of the thousand dead, a grain of sand in the sea, but for those who mourn, it is part of them, the dearest and dearest person who will never become alive, their universe has lost its meaning ...

But the main thing: yes, a thousand times you tell everyone about your grief, and even if someone cries nearby, this will not return those whom these people loved. They leave these psychologists for a world where there is no longer the closest and dearest person and no one will heal this wound. And it’s better to let them roar for a couple of days, yell at everyone and everything with the questions “why? why he, she? where is God?? why did he let this happen?? etc.

Naturally, psychologists are needed, especially in emergency situations, but with severe grief they cannot always help.

There are several stages of grief, even according to well-known information and the same articles from the Internet. The first ones, the shock ones, the most difficult ones…

However, ahead of the important essence of the article, I will say that the main healer is only time. Perhaps there are people with other experiences. But no matter what anyone says - with regard to the death of loved ones - only time heals ...

And then, after a while, it seems that everything was easier than it really was. And when you meet with the grief of others, you understand that it was not easier, it was just a long time ago.

When a loved one dies, the pain of loss cannot be drowned out by anything, at least tell someone, do anything, it will not return the one whom the person loved.

There is shock from the news, then denial (that is, doubt about the news, suspicions that this is not true or some kind of sinister mistake), there is resentment and even anger at the deceased for leaving the one who loves him alone, the desire to leave after him , to have a close connection with him, to contact him, to hear his voice, to find out some unsaid moments. Self-accusations, resentment against oneself, a feeling that one is to blame for something before the deceased, that one is to blame for his death are possible.

There may be searches for the causes of death (or even blaming others for death) and long reflections through sobs about how they could have been prevented.

Tears, tantrums, which, it seems, do not bring any relief, experiences of the most severe of pains - mental, and no matter what pills you drink - you will not drown it out. There is even a desire to go back a day or two in order to change events and not let a loved one die, a desire to fall asleep and that all this was a dream, but in reality everyone was alive again.

There is a stage of devastation, when it is already clear that there was no mistake, that a loved one really died, that no anger, indignation, resentment and protest will return anyone, it is impossible to contact the deceased, and that a person is left alone with his grief and this needs to be learned accept. Emptiness sets in, silence, darkness... Conversations with the grave and visiting the church, prayers for the deceased help in part.

For someone, the acceptance of death stretches for years, for someone for a couple of weeks, months. Someone else for years almost every day goes to the grave, puts candles, commemorates loved ones in the church, and someone a year later no longer corrects the cross ... the latter does not always mean indifference to the death of a loved one - sometimes you just want to let go in spite of everything, but constant visits to the cemetery reopen the wound again and again.

We are told “it’s not bad for the one who left, he doesn’t care anymore, but it’s bad for those who stay and cry for the departed”, or: “people are extremely selfish, tormenting themselves and the soul of the deceased with exorbitant sobs, reproaches instead of letting go ".

As for the latter, they can also add phrases like “when you sob strongly for the deceased, you hold his soul on earth, or between heaven and earth, not letting him leave, and his soul also sheds tears, because it feels that it is being held, not lets go." After all, between the deceased and those who remained on earth, if they were in close relationship, and after death there is a close relationship, and if the living is indignant, weeps for the deceased - the soul of the deceased is not calm, rushes about, wants to return back, and the body is dead, and the soul hangs in suffering.

Regarding the first phrase, that it’s bad not for the one who left, but for the one who stayed - we can’t be robots that turn off the buttons of suffering for the dead once or twice, we don’t have the function of deleting memory, analgesia of feelings. The strongest of pains is mental, one of the strongest among mental pains is the pain of losing a loved one. It is impossible to take it and stop feeling it, it is not subject to the will. It can be sublimated, pacified, rationalized over time, but not neutralized, not turned off.

And about the convictions of all those who advise that the soul of the deceased feels bad from our sobs - NO ONE KNOWS RELIABLY WHAT THE SOUL OF THE DEAD IS AND what she experiences after death. Therefore, all the arguments about the groaning of the soul of the departed due to the excessive sobbing of relatives are thought out by those who calm the latter.

However, despite the fact that there are religions that say that after death it is pointless to pray for a person, it is right and useful to pray for him, no matter what anyone says (only it is wrong to look for connections with the world of the dead through psychics), since this is the most effective help that can be help the soul of the deceased and yourself.

Unfortunately, death is a reality, everyday, every second, omnipresent. Some of our acquaintances, friends, relatives have gone to the Other World, someone else will leave, no matter how we close ourselves off from reality, but we will not prevent this. It may be wrong to say that you need to learn to accept it, but ... you need to learn to accept it ...

It’s better to cry enough, as they say, the gel state needs to be worked out, a lot of internal heaviness goes away with tears, go to church, pray for 40 days for the soul and (and after 40 days) go to the grave. Fencing off grief, a person accumulates pain in himself ... It needs to be experienced. Do not get stuck in it, do not kill yourself, namely survive. You can kill yourself in sobs, screaming, hysteria for the first days, but after accepting the fact of death, feelings calm down. And a person can artificially introduce himself into a state of hysteria, hopelessness after the death of the one he loved, he can put himself into this trap.

I cried and that's enough, you can't help grief with tears, they say. You need to be able to stop at some point ... Nobody knows why a little man is given trials in the form of the death of loved ones, but it is worth living on, and your own life.

When feelings calm down, the fact of death and its inevitability, completeness is accepted. When you realize that you will never return anything. And that very last day, when you saw a deceased loved one still alive, and he, laughing, said “see you tomorrow!”, And for tomorrow there was a sea of plans and you did not have time to tell him about many things and about important things - this day was really the last for him ... And it happens that people leave forever, with a smile, without even saying goodbye, remaining in their memory with fragments of unsaid words, with an absurdly ended conversation.

When the fact of death is accepted, you can calmly think about what this person gave us, who he was in our life and what is worth remembering about him forever, what moments need to be honored.

Remain memory, photos and instructions.

Once my close relative, who later died, during his lifetime gave advice, unobtrusive, wise, which I did not always accept and understand. And when he died, I regretted that I had not listened in time. As a sign of his memory, I fulfill part of the instructions in life and always carry his bright image inside.

Some of my friends who buried the elderly generation later recalled with sadness the habits of deceased relatives, kept cooking recipes in a secret place. Sometimes children were treated according to the recommendations of grandmothers, which today no one will give.

Memory is all we have left of a person. A person can live 80 years and only a bag of things remains from him, a couple of photos. Still a person remains in descendants and his works.

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A huge number of people die every day. From diseases, from old age, from an incorrect diagnosis and incorrect treatment, from childbirth, from an accident (air crash, traffic accident, and so on), through stupidity and negligence. There are a lot of factors. We listen to reports on the radio, watch the news and do not think about how many people a minute ago were breathing and smiling ... Until it touches us personally.

The death of a loved one is a terrible grief, which many cannot survive for years. In this article, we will try to figure out what happens to living relatives and loved ones left on earth, and how to survive the loss of a loved one.

When a person dies, he does not care anymore: a long-term ill person receives his relief from physical suffering, an elderly person completes his life path. With this, we are ready to somehow reconcile and reassure ourselves. But if a young person or a child who still lives and lives dies, we are not ready to let him go. During this period, we begin to go through the 7 stages of grief. Folk wisdom says: “Woe is too wide to go around, too high to jump over, and too deep to crawl under; you can only go through the mountain ... "

Consider all 7 stages. They are familiar to those who have already experienced the death of a relative. And you have to go through them one way or another. Perhaps not in the sequence that is presented below, perhaps some periods will remain with a person for many years. But this, without which the psyche simply can not cope.

Stages of grief and sadness after the death of a loved one

Negation

It happens at the very beginning with absolutely everyone. “This can't be! This is some bullshit! It shouldn’t be like this!” – the person doesn’t believe in this sudden death, doesn’t want to accept it. During this period, either complete stupor and stupor can happen, or vice versa - activity. The relative has not yet realized what is happening, is not ready to accept reality. And this reaction is a kind of self-defense. As a rule, this period does not last long.

Resentment and anger

Happens to almost everyone. Feeling of unfairness. Understanding that we, humans, are absolutely powerless and cannot go against nature in any way. And you will not do anything now, because no one can resurrect the dead. And if you can then go to a pet store and take a kitten, then shops with grandmothers, friends, and so on simply do not exist. This is absurd.

Guilt

Terrible stage. A person begins to engage in self-digging, analysis of relations with the deceased. Perhaps somewhere he was rude or wrong, somewhere he could have paid more attention. Or maybe he could help and did not help.

Depression

I would like to note that most often unbelievers are subject to this stage. A believing person is ready to give everything into the hands of the Creator, to come to terms with what happened. After all, Heaven takes a person at the right time. First of all, for this person. A believing person will not think about himself and how hard it is for him now here on earth - he will think about the soul of the deceased. To make her feel good. And will make every effort to do so. A believer is sure that there is life after death, and we will all meet later.

An unbeliever can become depressed, be in constant sadness and grief, cry, scratch walls, scream, withdraw into himself, even become addicted to alcohol. This is a protracted and long period, from which it is difficult to get out, but real. The main thing is to have the support of loved ones nearby.

Awareness and acceptance

No matter how difficult it is to survive the loss, but time heals. Not immediately, of course, but the realization comes that a loved one can no longer be returned. Gradually, the rage against all living things also passes, more often, of course, it comes from impotence. The depression is also gone. The mourning dress is removed. And there are the first attempts to look at the world through the eyes without tears.

rebirth

It is difficult, painful, difficult to live without a mother, father, husband, child or grandmother. But probably. And most importantly - it is necessary. After all, the life of a person left on earth continues. She will be different, but she will be. And you need to learn how to live. Most often at this stage, a person learns to live in a new way, thinks a lot, is more silent. In other words, he gathers strength, opens himself to the world, and does not exist with base needs.

New life

This is the last period. When a person has gone through all the stages discussed above, he is ready for a new life. Not everyone will be able to live with constant reminders of the past, so many change jobs, make repairs in the apartment, remove things that remind of a deceased relative, even change their place of residence. This is necessary in order not to fall into despondency and depression again and again.

How to deal with the grief of losing a loved one

Don't be alone

The most important thing is not to withdraw into yourself and try not to alienate others. You don't have to wallow in your grief. Don't give up support. Let those people be next to you who will understand when it is worth moving away, and when it is simply necessary to be there and call you by name, pulling you out of apathy and stupor.

Contact a specialist

If it is impossible to cope with emotions, you feel that depression has dragged on, you see a deceased loved one in the faces of passers-by, you hear his voice and wait for a call to your mobile phone, and this condition is driving you crazy, contact a specialist. Whether it is a psychologist or a priest (depending on religion).

Don't keep pain inside

You need to cry - cry, you need to scream - scream. Try to find a way out of emotions in creativity. Painting, versification, writing music. All this distracts and helps to cope with a heavy burden on the heart. If you have something to say to your deceased relative, write him a letter. One of the psychological tricks. After writing the letter, you will have the feeling that you have communicated with a loved one. It will get easier.

Talk

Communicate with friends, relatives and loved ones about the deceased. If they are ready to listen to you, of course. Share grief with someone. After all, shared grief is already half a grief.

Do not rush

Don't set boundaries for yourself. Suffering will not go away on the fortieth day. It's impossible. The pain may dull, but it will still remind of itself. In the event of the loss of a loved one, sadness is a normal phenomenon, do not reproach yourself if suddenly a lump comes up in your throat, and tears flow by themselves.

Do not seek solace in bad habits

Neither alcohol nor smoking of various mixtures will help. Only health will be shaken. Think about your relatives. It's hard for them too. Better to help them. Try to save yourself.

Don't be selfish

Either way, the person is no more. Basically, we get depressed because it's bad for us here. There are people nearby who need specifically your participation. If you feel that you have not given the deceased attention, love, warmth, you can always help those in need. You need to realize that you can really help your loved one only with good remembrance and prayer (applies to believers). You are now needed by living people.

Don't be afraid to forget

If, after some time, you began to laugh, remembering a deceased loved one, do not be afraid of this. After all, he lived with you and there were many cheerful and kind moments. It's good that the memories of him make you smile. Gradually accepting the loss and creating a new life without it is not betrayal. You just learned to live on. Healed. This is not only normal, but also correct.

Dead people are always with us, souls do not dissolve in the air. It is difficult to grasp this thought, but it can keep afloat in difficult times. The body is just a temporary shell. It is hard to realize that you will no longer hear your beloved voice, you will not hug your native shoulders, but it is worth overcoming this feeling and helping the soul of the deceased. The body will no longer rise, but the soul needs. They say that when a dead person dreams, he asks for prayers. Even if you do not believe, go to the church, put a candle on a square candlestick near the large cross, submit a note, bring bread or cereal to the funeral table. You may not believe in all this mysticism, but suddenly. It will become easier for you to understand that even now, when a person is not there, you can help him.