How to be serious in a relationship. Serious relationship - how is it?
Relationships between men and women have existed for centuries. People meet, fall in love, break up, get married, divorce, meet new partners and everything repeats in a circle. Without social relations not a single person can live in our world, there is always a need to be loved and love, take care of someone, trust someone and know that you are loved and expected.
Serious relationship. If the relationship is getting serious, here are a few things to think about
If you dream of living in a country house in the province and he needs some excitement big city, you must reach a consensus. Perhaps you decide to live for a few years in the place where he loves, and then move you to where you want. Or choose a city on the outskirts of the city. If you don't reach an agreement, you will end up fighting that day daily. Then there is a disturbance and the connection is affected.
From the very beginning, it is important to know if your partner shares your vision of religion. And, in particular, what kind of children of faith would you like to have if at some point you will have children. After all, you don't have to be of the same religion, but it's important to accept each other's faith if no one wants to convert.
Relationships are of two types: frivolous and serious. Non-serious relationships are characterized by a lack of prospects, a lack of understanding of a couple of goals in life and the need further development. And now you need to understand what a serious relationship between a guy and a girl is. Everything is much deeper here.
Each person has their own definition of a serious relationship, and for men and women this concept differs quite seriously. If we take a superficial perception, then for a man a serious relationship is to support a family, raise children in marriage and support his other half. What is a serious relationship for a woman? This is to protect the husband, give birth to children, provide comfort in the house. All of the above is a very simplified version of relationships, many will not agree with such a definition and will be right, because all these social standards of behavior are just components in a large layer of relationships.
Before the relationship gets serious, find out if your boyfriend wants to have children or not. It's important to know this. If you're almost 30 years old and want kids, you may not want to waste your time with someone who doesn't have those family thoughts. The discussion should not stop here. Ask him/her and what is his vision of parenting?
How much does he earn and how much does he spend? Can it fit into the budget? Is he so scared that he doesn't even buy clothes? Otherwise, it will be difficult to handle. Or with taxi drivers, bus drivers, bartenders? Watch how your lover behaves with strangers, especially those who offer him services. Of course, he also counts times when he had a terrible day or waited an hour to eat his food. The one who has gone through hard times and keeps patience has a lot internal resources to cope with stress and unforeseen circumstances.
So all the same, what is a serious relationship between a guy and a girl? This is a combination of many complementary features that allow a couple to feel comfortable when communicating with each other.
Serious relationship is
- movement towards each other;
- respect for the thoughts and goals of the partner;
- desire to help;
- responsibility to a partner and children;
- the intention to spend the rest of your life together;
- protection of the interests and rights of the partner;
- respect for the personality of the second half;
- harmonious development.
You need to know that it is not enough to understand what a serious relationship is, but you need to have the desire to build them and sometimes make compromises, make a choice between your goals and the goals of your partner, because they will not always coincide. Ideal relationships do not exist, those couples who have been happy together for a long time have already gone through a lot and have learned to love and respect each other not for youth and sex, but for personal qualities, which are the basis long relationship. So the intention to create a serious relationship may appear in more early age, but the concept and acceptance of such relationships occurs over time.
And stress and unpredictability will come to life sooner or later. Things will change over time, but you have to figure out how often you want to have sex. It is important to understand how important sex is for each of you. Because there can be serious differences, says a sex therapist from New York. Over time, the sexual inconsistencies between you, which are not given too much attention at first, will worsen. You must find the time, energy, and level of sexual desire that works well for both of you.
And at that time together, constantly hanging, the desire to get caught, hold hands, ask to stay with you together, and all this started from him. What is this if not a relationship? And what does their "relationship don't want" mean? Why do their words contradict their actions? Why do these people constantly explain that they are serious about you, and after a while "do not want", but continue to want to maintain the relationship that has existed until now, with the same attention and tenderness?
Each couple has their own concept of what a serious relationship is. For some, sex is an indicator, but for some it means nothing at all. Sometimes men overwhelm a woman with compliments, flowers, gifts, but in fact they don’t have any long-term plans, so for some reason external manifestations attention, it is not always possible to determine how serious such a relationship is.
Well, it is already generally accepted that after the reluctance of a relationship, everything will end within a few weeks. Please advise. Thank you for writing and sharing the question. And those who were in no hurry to make such a promise and just want to enjoy what is happening between you: pleasant communication, physical intimacy. The letter itself contains several questions: what is it, if not a relationship? But relationships are different, or rather: different people can have different meanings in the word relationship. One relationship is just a pleasant, fun presence together, physical intimacy or sexual desire, and the other is a deep and personal connection, commitment, promise and effort.
What is it?
If you are trying to determine the seriousness of a relationship by external manifestations, then the only thing that can still be considered as an indicator is the person’s attitude towards you in front of strangers and in the circle of friends. If a partner prefers to be at a distance, does not show that you are a couple, or treats you dismissively, demonstrating character, then this is an occasion to think about his motives and plans, no matter what he says to you in private.
Of course, this does not mean that the first option cannot eventually move on to the second. The question is, did you yourself, Gerda, after your friendship in those few months, feel that you would be closer to this person? What even raises the question? How is it taken with confidence with a serious attitude towards relationships?
Perhaps, after analyzing your position in relationships and behavior, find the answer, why do you find people who say who do not want a serious relationship? Under what circumstances does your relationship arise? Perhaps, at the beginning of the conversation, you can see what you brought to the mentioned people and how much you are attracted to them? Do you focus on external issues, or do you find more common interests? How quickly do you enter into an intimate relationship?
It is hardly possible to talk about a serious relationship without taking into account the presence or absence of feelings. When love arises, the desire to be close to a person, this is the first step towards a long-term relationship.
Relationships cannot exist when giving from one side only. Therefore, another criterion of seriousness is the desire to be together, which comes from both sides. In this case, both the man and the woman are absolutely sure of their choice.
However, only a deeper analysis of the situation and your feelings and needs can help you answer why you are experiencing repetitive relationship situations that do not satisfy you. In general, research on commitment social psychology show that there are three important aspects of commitment.
Partners interact with each other feeling satisfied and satisfied, partners do not have better alternatives, i.e. they believe that their needs are best met in this relationship, partners invest significant resources in each other: time, effort, emotions, etc. Let's look at the relationship that you described through the eyes of men. Let's assume that a larger commitment is in no rush because he thinks there may be other alternatives and a relatively small investment is nice enough to keep the relationship going.
But there are also situations when one partner (or both) just spend time with each other, they feel good together, but no plans for Cohabitation, marriage, the birth of children they do not have, they live in anticipation of "their" person. Therefore, even if such a relationship is long-term (and they can last for years), this does not make them serious.
It is important, Gerda, that you expect to be worthy of a serious relationship that fulfills your needs. The modeling and grooming model appears to be accepted and responded to quite calmly by girls. Only men think that they dream of getting married as soon as possible.
In the past, a serious relationship culminated in marriage. And he thought that the expectant wife jumped for joy when he put wedding ring on your finger and give him the opportunity to make him eat every day. And she intends to learn and let go of her leisure time the way she wants in the next few years. And not so long ago, about twenty years ago, the girls came up with one way: the marriage ended in a serious relationship - also in single life. But in the end, this tradition began to destroy the third career.
Joint plans are another interesting indicator of seriousness. Interesting, because even after marriage in some families, there are no signs of seriousness in the relationship. For example, people are not ready to have children (for years) not because they do not love them, but because for some reason they do not want to raise them with their second, already legal, half.
Real feeling should be responsible. Knowing that there is no love without obligations: care, attention, anxiety, jealousy, fear - they are the main companions of love. Insofar as true feeling obliges to be responsible not only for oneself, but also for another person, respect him and take into account his needs and desires. Of course, love limits freedom, although in return it brings much more.
But relationships can be without obligations. Particularly sexually friendly. intimate relationship in which no one has anything to do with anything. Of course, then there can be no reproach, but no prospect can be expected. A modern girl knows that she can become not only the wife of a bank president.
Or one of the more recent examples is mortgages or shared housing plans. In fact, this will lead to responsibilities that will have to be shared for a long period of time, but people are not sure that they will live together for that long.
There are other examples: people who have known each other recently, feel responsible for each other, want to “live happily ever after” next to each other.
Why don't girls indulge in open relationships? These young and charming beings, yet capable of rational thinking, who had previously looked up to their prospective fiancé, now saw that they could control their own destiny. And not only the bank, but the whole country. These are those who are not married to the word "feminism", but do not consider it a synonym for "hating a person." Therefore, the situation usually looks like this: a girl studies, makes a career and does not even want to hear about marriage. They don't care about living together, family life or childhood illness.
She knows well what it means to lose a career in the "unintentional" birth of children who cannot take care of their grandmother or spend a lot of money on a good nanny. Love and family - Delayed pleasure. And a career is money and independence. It is self-realization and a viable future.
Therefore, the seriousness of a relationship is a kind of deep concept, which largely depends on the state of mind and qualities of the partner himself, his moral and ethical principles, and his willingness to exist not only to satisfy his own needs. Here I would also like to note the commonality of interests and views on the future. This is not directly related to the seriousness of the relationship, but, as a rule, different people scatter quickly enough, even if they immediately experienced crazy passion. 
Trust, sincerity, willingness to work on relationships are all signs of a serious relationship. In any relationship, there comes a period when partners get used to each other, recognize shortcomings, evaluate whether they can continue to communicate. This is only the first stage; as a rule, it is still accompanied by a state of euphoria, and most couples can go through it (if there is a desire).
Delayed pleasure. "I will think about it tomorrow,!" - says that without even thinking about the careerist's future. So their photos don't date, they don't ask your sisters or friends of single men to invite their friends to the party, you didn't notice the nice guy sitting at the next table is basically it. There is nothing wrong. Although he understands that in the interests of a career it is impossible to postpone some things indefinitely - for example, the birth of a child.
But deep down they want to go to the movies with someone, talk in the moonlight, go on vacation. Only if he doesn't ask questions: where were you last night? fair woman wants an honest relationship. Unfortunately, love does not come as often as we would like. And what if you're about to turn thirty and they still aren't? Don't sleep in a man's back, don't smile, don't go to the movies or cafes? Obviously, everyone knows the cynical but true answer. honest woman wants an honest relationship, so she doesn't want to be something she can't be.
Then it may seem that the difficulties are over, but no. Obstacles and difficulties can arise in any relationship at any time. However, it happens that people have one approach to such situations: they are looking for a way out together and are ready to overcome difficulties, not thinking that you can simply change a partner or shift responsibility to him.
She doesn't cook cakes with her mother or listen to her father's stories that happened in her youth. Because she is not yet ready to start a family. Or maybe this guy is not her destiny. Now they are not afraid of the philosophy of grandmothers: Here, you will stick to this, then you will know. You don't want to meet your friends. And yet you should not dramatize this situation. When love comes, who denies it?
We have been in contact for about two months. She is not a typical modern girl, what a fafa or who knows dearly. All you have now is openness. Let's talk about some of them. One of the hardest things for a girl to do is to say no to an interested boy. If after two months of talking she doesn't get close to you, maybe she's trying to distance herself because you just aren't pulling her. In this case, the language of exam stress and an uncertain future is another attempt to implicitly say that there is no closer relationship.
Responsibility for a common future is another criterion for assessing a serious and real relationship, and this should also come from each of the partners.
Irina, Izhevsk
Psychologist's comment:
Sometimes at the reception you can hear the following: “I want a serious, real relationship, but I come across the wrong men!”. And here I, like many specialists, have questions: “What does a serious relationship mean?”, “What kind of men do you come across?”, “What kind of a man should be in order to build those very serious, real relationships with him?” ?
See what's going on, how he behaves, how he will react to your touch, friendly embroidery and be ready to be in the "friend zone". If this happens, don't blame yourself or yourself. According to statistics, only about 20% of people are eligible to participate. the opposite sex, and for others even less so. This is caused by many different factors.
Moreover, it is easier and easier for women to find that a man is not suitable for them as a partner, and the husband usually initiates an intimate relationship first, and then he or she explains whether it is his or her woman or not. Another possible variant is that it has really accumulated knowledge and plans for the future, and close relations are not a priority for us at the moment. Women psychologically mature for a family quite early, and 18 years is enough for a girl to find a serious partner for long term relationship or even for the family, not for the boy to miss out on the fun.
The concept of "serious relationship" is abstract, that is, each person puts his own meaning into it. And I noticed that for some women, the search for such a relationship masks the search for security in life. That is, they are looking for some symbols and evidence that, having invested strength and emotions in relations with this specific man, they definitely "do not lose".
But there are no such guarantees in life. A man can take marriage seriously, want to have a family and children, be ready to take responsibility for himself and a joint future, have tender feelings for a woman, but the relationship still doesn’t work out. For example, physiologically people do not fit together. And then what? Can we really say that the relationship was not serious? Very serious, and feelings - sincere, and intentions - confident.
Alas, not everything in life lends itself to our control and management. This thought causes fear. After all, the person we have chosen may subsequently leave us, the time spent may be lost forever, and we ourselves may face a strong heartache. The paradox is that until we begin to overcome our fear, we will never find love. Many great psychologists have said that the opposite of love is fear.
Have you noticed that I inadvertently switched from the concept of "serious relationship" to the word "love"?! Perhaps this transition best reflects my position: there are no “serious relationships”, there are common long-term plans, clear and conscious intentions, the ability to be responsible for your choices and actions. But all this means nothing in a relationship without tender feelings, a desire to care for the well-being of the other, the pleasure of sexual intimacy, and much more. And those who are looking for a serious relationship dream of combining all of the above. That is, they dream of love. But about love with a guarantee. And even better - about love, registered and signed (here we are with you and got to marriage!).
And love, like life itself, has no guarantee!
We have completed the circle and are back where we started. I think your annoyance is already growing due to the fact that I just say: “there are no guarantees”, “there are no serious relationships” and “it will be scary”, but I am not in a hurry to offer recipes. So be it, let's move away from deep questions to more practical ones.
Love is always the risk of being rejected, and it is in our power to reduce this risk somewhat. How to do it? First, you must clearly know what you want from life and from the person who will share it with you. What is important to you in a relationship? What role should relationships play in your life? How much space should remain own implementation and work? What is by no means acceptable in a relationship? What weaknesses of your partner are you willing to put up with? Etc.
Thinking through these questions and creating the desired image in your head does not mean that you will necessarily build a relationship that is 100% in line with your fantasies, but the likelihood of getting what you definitely do not need will be significantly reduced. Be prepared to compromise.
Secondly, you need to respect your feelings when communicating with a partner and correlate your real relationship with the desired image. At the beginning of a relationship, we often ignore the voice of reason and negative messages from a loved one, and if we notice, we carefully rationalize.
For example, a young man from time to time, for no reason, harshly criticizes something in your behavior. Then he pulls himself together, smiles gently, asks for forgiveness and says that he got excited. You seem to calm down (he apologized!) and convince yourself that he is right (he is doing his best!), but the residue remains.
You feel this unpleasant aftertaste physically or deep in your soul - here it is, the very signal that cannot be ignored! Because you know what it will lead to? In addition, with the development of your relationship and the end of romantic love, his rudeness will take on more stable forms, he will criticize you more often and harder, and already without apologies. And here important question(See previous criterion): Is this acceptable to you in a relationship?
Thirdly, you need to learn dialogue in the broadest sense of the word: the ability to express your needs, listen and hear your partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, people enjoy what unites them: they spend a lot of time together, talk about what they both like, and with all their might look for common ground in each other. Then a new period inevitably begins, when each person remembers himself and his needs, quarrels and conflicts begin.
Until you know how to tell your partner what you want and how to hear what he wants, any relationship you have is doomed to failure (emotionally: some couples "live as wolves" for decades). Get rid of the illusion "if he loves me, he understands me." Learn to look at your partner as a riddle that you can try to solve. Accept that you can never be completely sure you are right.
And again, I strive to add another "BUT": it is important to remember the responsibility of another person. After all, not only your skills and efforts affect the relationship, but also the skills and efforts of your partner. There is a wonderful metaphor: love is a 20-step path with a barrier in the middle. That is, people can meet if each of them takes 10 steps. It is up to you to take only your 10 steps and wait for another one in the middle.
I hope the first part of my reflections will make you think, and the second will give some guidance for action. Look for love, not a serious relationship! Believe in love, not guarantees! Learn to love, not to recognize the intentions of a partner!
Did you like the psychologist's answer? or