For what you can respect yourself. Is it necessary to love yourself? Identify the external manifestations of love and apply them to yourself
Happiness does not need to be sought, it is in us, but not everyone is ready to admit it. And the reason for this is self-loathing. The lived years leave their imprint on everyone, leave their scars, but only the inability to value oneself becomes the source of most problems and difficulties. Do not want to chase happiness all your life, learn to value yourself, because no matter what anyone says, it depends solely on you.
Different people are looking for different things, and these can often lead to conflicts of understanding. There is hardly anyone who wants to have a relationship with a person who is not honest in their relationship. Especially at the beginning of a relationship, the attraction and enjoyment of sex are often confused with love.
Tell us what you need. Attitude should not be a "game of contention". Many people, both men and women, are afraid to share their needs, and as a result, others are left with the wrong impression. In such a situation, disappointment and even irritation will not be missed on both sides. Intimacy requires honesty, the person next to you can hardly read minds!
I want to learn to appreciate myself
Before changing to better side, any person needs to honestly admit to himself about the presence of internal problems that interfere with life, and then find the cause of their occurrence. Only in this case, you can choose the fastest and best way out of any difficult situation. A huge number of troubles and failures arise most often not because of others, but because of the inability to love yourself. No matter how surprising it sounds, but subconsciously most of us do not accept ourselves, do not appreciate and are not proud of what we have achieved.
Respect is the foundation of everything. And not just in close proximity. If you act with respect, you will surely have a positive impact on your personal life. Respect is a necessary condition for any relationship. And in every good team, everyone retains their individuality, but when they come together, they are stronger. Differences in addition are the true value of the team.
Differences can be combined. And that's the key to a successful relationship. Differences do not condemn the connection of failure. It doesn't let you find a way out. If you learn to overcome negative emotions, which always accompany different opinions, even "doomed" relationships may not actually be so. Avoid conflicts DO NOT CONTINUE! Try to understand the reasons, don't jump to conclusions.
We are accustomed to looking for flaws, obsessing over mistakes, fighting with ourselves. There is not a single day when a person would tell himself that he did everything right. Successes are forgotten, failures come to the fore, and no end is in sight, no matter how hard you try. We constantly expect approval from parents, colleagues, partners, children, and even those around us, whatever we do or say. Every word, gesture, look, deed is evaluated from the standpoint of what others think about it, and not how you feel about it yourself.
Solve problems as they arise. More often than not, relationships break down because they didn't try to understand their feelings, and this gradually leads to estrangement. And so partners alienate, and sometimes become enemies. The development of each link should logically lead to changes in partners. Modern life does not imply that the two roles in the relationship are predetermined before it begins. Each couple determines who will be in their relationship. That is why every step requires reconciliation. And when kindness prevails, everything works well.
Listen and listen to the person next to you. If both of you are used to sharing your fears and concerns, this is a good prerequisite for the future of your relationship. But listen, don't judge. You don't even have to always have or have an opinion. In many cases, we just need to share with someone without relying on them to solve the problem.
But when you no longer have the strength to fight difficulties, think about why, despite the great fortune or heights achieved, many remain unhappy, constantly striving to achieve even more, and do not enjoy what they have already received. Why do we seek happiness not in ourselves, but in the world around us? Is it really so bad and sad inside of us that it is better to run away from ourselves than to look inside? Why do we not appreciate ourselves so much that we allow ourselves to suffer.
Don't lose sight of each other. It will not appear on its own, but may disappear unnoticed. Good relationship are not ultimate goal, it requires daily effort. Think about the future. Marriage is a kind of agreement to spend time together. But check your watch regularly to make sure you both keep going the same way.
Sex - good way convergence. Conversations in bed are even better. Sex is easy, at least in most cases, much harder to achieve. It requires openness, openness, willingness to share your most intimate thoughts and desires, fears and hopes.
If you want to make sure that everything is fine with you and this does not apply to you, try saying something nice about yourself. If such actions do not cause any difficulties, you have something to congratulate. But still, this is an exception to the rule, and usually there is nothing more difficult for a person than to praise himself. Instead of love, there is everything in our soul: from dissatisfaction with what we have achieved to constant criticism and the search for flaws. Even a discussion of others is not an objective look at them, but often a manifestation of deep dissatisfaction with oneself, however, as well as overestimated self-esteem, indicating a fear of seeing own virtues and flaws rather than really understanding who you are.
Start acting on the contrary method and change your behavior
Before going to bed, always try to give at least some tenderness, whatever you receive in return. Don't underestimate the need to apologize. Trying to fix this is much more important and determines whether your relationship will have a future. Respect the wishes of the other as well as yours. If you learn to appreciate realistically in different situations, like you, it will be easier for you, and someone will like it. Always look for something new to complement your relationship. This brings freshness to the relationship, and sometimes gives you the opportunity to find new countries in it - even those that you did not know about.
The reason for such insecurity, low self-esteem, excessive self-criticism and the choice of a lifestyle that absolutely does not suit a person has been and remains a persistent dislike of oneself. This most formidable serious problem faced by a large number of people. It does not appear out of nowhere, but arises as a result of improper upbringing. Not all parents were able to teach their children to love and appreciate themselves because they themselves do not know how to do this.
The relationship ONLY works when the street is a two-way street and you give and receive it. Be spontaneous and random. Don't forget that every link has its highs and lows. Don't be maxims, always wanting everything to be perfect. If you don't find out, the next one will probably end the same way - use every opportunity to "look at it". try to change what you don't like yourself.
Forgive yourself for past mistakes
Love is not absolute and eternal. Its retention requires efforts and steps in different directions - both partners. Sometimes, even in a seemingly doomed relationship, feelings can resurface - stronger than before. There are many fears, but the nature of the fearful inner monologue is always the same. Whether your fear is about crossing bridges, public speaking, an accelerated heartbeat, the possibility of serious illness or the safety of your children, the distorted thinking that perpetuates these fears is the same.
When we are born, the father and mother determine in advance what we should be. And they do this based not on careful observation of the child, but on their own life experience and imperfect ideas about the world around them. They shift their unfulfilled desires onto the shoulders of children, expecting them to give them that feeling of euphoria that they themselves have not been able to get.
Learn to prioritize correctly
Underestimation of a negative result. Exaggerating the likelihood that something bad is happening is a type of distortion. In most cases, your worries consist of "if any" thoughts that overestimate a negative outcome. The second distortion is the idea that if a negative outcome does occur, it will be catastrophic, crushing, and unbearable. Catastrophic thoughts include statements such as, "I couldn't handle it." “I will be crushed”, “I will never live”, “They will never forgive me”.
But each of us is an individual with his own temperament, character, intellect, willpower and outlook on life. Growing up, children show qualities that are peculiar only to them, and mother and father begin to be disappointed, because they do not want to accept the obvious: their child is not their copy. Hidden irritation and unwillingness to accept children as a person, even if it is still growing, leads to conflicts and a feeling of discontent that is constantly in the air. Whatever the child does, everything will be perceived with hostility. And gradually this feeling that you are dissatisfied becomes an integral part of the personality.
Underestimation of coping ability. The third distortion does not see or recognize your ability to cope if a negative outcome does occur. Underestimating your ability to cope is usually implied in your catastrophic thoughts. If you take any fear and analyze the negative thinking that keeps it alive, you are likely to find these three distortions. The more you overcome them through more realistic thinking, the more fear will be reduced.
Essentially, you could define fear as an illogical overestimation of threat, and also an underestimation of your ability to cope. Inverted Distorted Thinking - You can beat each of these types of distorted thinking with questions and peers. Inflated thoughts. In over-evaluating thoughts, the correct question is: “Objectively, what is the probability of a negative result?”.
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Trying to understand the reasons for such an attitude, because, in their opinion, parents cannot be wrong, children are constantly looking for confirmation that they are really doing wrong because they are not so smart, educated, strong, beautiful, etc. Everything that proves the opposite , is not accepted by them. Any praise from outsiders is discarded, because the most important people are father and mother, and only their words carry weight.
By underestimating your ability to cope - in the process of replacing catastrophic thoughts with more objective ones, you usually overcome the notion that you can't do it. But the process is not complete until you actually identify and define specific ways to handle it. Overwhelming and catastrophic thoughts along with underestimating your ability to cope are the most common types of thought distortions that contribute to most phobias and fears. However, there are other types of distortions that can change the way you perceive and evaluate yourself and the situations in your daily life.
Therefore, in order to learn to value yourself, first of all write down all those words and phrases that you heard from your parents. If they quickly arose in memory, then they still have on you strong influence. And even realizing that this is not true, subconsciously you are under the yoke of such unfair assessments. But now you can get rid of them forever. Remember why they said this, is it fair, evaluate what happened from the height of the past years. Do not be shy to express out loud everything that has boiled up, and so that you want to answer dad or mom, who, because of their internal problems, offended you so much. Or throw out emotions on a piece of paper and burn it.
Self-respect is the measure of your actions
If you learn to identify and confront these harmful ways thinking with a more realistic and constructive inner monologue, it will help you deal with daily stress in a more balanced and objective way. In turn, this will significantly reduce anxiety, depression and other unpleasant emotional states. Don't forget that your direct perception of the outside world is largely shaped and colored by your own thoughts about it. Change your thoughts and change your world.
Let go of the past, stop suffering. Admit that your parents are not perfect and could make mistakes too. Ideal people do not exist, everyone is capable of making mistakes, especially when it comes to raising children. And remember once and for all, no one is able to harm a person if he does not allow it to be done. It is up to you to decide what to let into your soul and who to think about.
Here are other types of distortions. This happens automatically during the development of a phobia - you get a panic attack in one store and after a while you start avoiding all the stores. The generalization of phobias from one situation also depends on the phenomenon of programming, which Bigionist psychologists call the generalization of stimuli. The essence of overaggregation is to skip one case in the present to all cases in the future. You will know that you are over-summary when your internal monologue includes words such as never, ever, everything, any or not, or absolute statements, including these words: "I can never drive again."
- From today, start writing down all your achievements for the day in a notebook. It doesn't matter how big or small they are, as long as they are important to you. Even if it is a small victory, feel free to put it on the list. We did the exercises, we did morning run, look beautiful, cleaned the apartment, cooked food, practiced English, fulfilled someone's request, did a good deed, thanked for the help - you have something to be proud of. After all, even such everyday affairs already characterize you as kind, sympathetic, strong, responsible, grateful and good man. Keep track of only those events that cause pleasant emotions. Rejoice in yourself, rejoice in your deeds.
- On a separate piece of paper, write down everything you have achieved so far. Remember what made you proud of yourself for at least a minute. It doesn't matter if it's a victory at a school competition or an olympiad, a successful ending educational institution, knowledge foreign language or a profession that you like. In the life of any person there are moments when he felt happy. Relive those memories. Do not forget to replenish the created list with new successes and achievements. And be sure to read it before you go to bed.
- Change the way you think. Stop evaluating your own words and actions from the perspective of other people. Do what your heart tells you to do. If you feel calm in your soul, there is no need to worry about what others will think. To love and appreciate yourself means to listen to yourself, to what you want, and not relatives, friends or acquaintances. Do only those things that you consider necessary, for which you can then safely bear responsibility and say: “Yes, I decided so.”
- Stop constantly looking for flaws in yourself. As soon as you feel that you are again engaged in soul-searching, immediately remember the merits. If you do charity work, remind yourself of this when you want to find confirmation that you are not so good, and your parents were right. Good deeds have no earthly price.
- Get ready for a long journey. Self-improvement is never easy, it requires patience and willpower. But the result is worth it.
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Three types of questions are effective in rationalizing redundant summaries: what proves it? What is the probability that this actually happens or will be true? and "Was that in the past?" Filtering involves choosing and focusing on one negative aspect of a situation and ignoring all positive aspects. This is a favorite tactic of criticism. As for yourself, you focus on one flaw and ignore all your valuable qualities and strengths. From time to time, you can also ignore everything positive in your vision of your personal relationships.
A huge number of poems have been written about love and films have been made, but it is unlikely that there will be at least one dedicated to self-love among them. But the main reason for failures, both personally and public life what remains is the inability to value oneself. Without being aware of this, we tune in to difficulties in advance, because we consider ourselves not as successful, good, correct as others. Therefore, someone who has decided to change his life once and for all should not start with making plans, but with introspection, which will allow you to honestly answer the question: “Do you love yourself enough to allow yourself to be happy or do you subconsciously think that you are unworthy of the future, oh which dream? And only when you can, without hesitation, say “I love you”, be sure that you can do everything, no matter what you think. Set a goal for yourself, a good, realistic goal that you and the people around you need, and you will definitely succeed.
Filtering usually occurs during a phobic situation where you focus on failure and ignore all the successes you have made. Once you were able to commute to work last week but you can't this week, you begin to question the whole process of real desensitization. Be vigilant for filtering when the following words are stolen from your inner monologue: useless, meaningless, hopeless, stupid, questionable, dangerous, unfair. In fact, every completely negative word can speak of filtering.
Practical advice on how to start loving and respecting yourself, how to get rid of self-criticism and self-blame. A few practical exercises, by doing which you can get out of depression and believe in yourself, in your own strength.
Love, as you know, is the highest value in life. Many things are called this word, sometimes few similar friend on a friend: feelings for parents and children, for a lover and spouse, attitude towards nature and art, towards animals and books, etc. For some reason, it is believed that the ability to love others is a virtue that every person should possess, and self-love is a manifestation of selfishness. Perhaps this is also why many have not learned to value and respect themselves, which greatly complicate their own lives.
If you're describing someone or something like that, analyze your mindset to make sure you're taking things in a balanced way - one that fully considers both positive and negative aspects. Both questions remind you to look for other, more positive evidence and consider both sides.
They are associated with the tendency to judge or evaluate something logically based entirely on feelings. Of course, there may be times when it is useful and expedient to rely entirely on the senses. For example, if you just don't like someone you just dated, that might be a good reason to decide not to continue the relationship. However, in many cases, relying only on feelings and ignoring the cause can lead to erroneous conclusions. A sign of emotional reasoning is that you make decisions entirely on impulse without the help of your mind.
Is it necessary to love yourself?
Psychologists say that a person can never live in harmony with outside world until it harmonizes its own, internal. They urge you to stop confusing a healthy attitude towards yourself with selfishness and give weighty arguments why you need to think about how to love yourself and increase self-esteem.1. A person cannot truly sincerely love other people until he loves himself.
It often happens that someone who thinks “I’m not good enough, unsuccessful, unloved”, is offended by both himself and others, begins to experience a lot of other negative feelings for others.
2. Dissatisfaction with oneself, self-criticism will sooner or later cause the birth in the human soul of such a base feeling as envy.
He will constantly compare himself with others, compare them positive traits with their supposedly negative ones. She's beautiful - I'm not. She has a career, and I'm still at the beginning of the journey. Her house is a full bowl, but I still can’t meet my soul mate. Be sure to learn to see the good in yourself and accept yourself as you are.
3. Remember that failure attracts failure.
Until a person understands how to learn to love himself, continues to engage in self-discipline, search for his own shortcomings and self-flagellation for his mistakes, nothing good will happen to him.
4. The internal attitude towards oneself is manifested externally: a person who underestimates himself, stoops, mumbles, rarely smiles, avoids contact with people.
Or vice versa, behaves too defiantly or aggressively. Both behaviors are unlikely to bring him success.
5. People who consider themselves unworthy often develop self-pity.- one of the most destructive feelings.
How to start loving and respecting yourself
It is impossible to start respecting and appreciating yourself just like that, out of the blue. It may turn out something like this: “I am so good, I do everything for others, but from tomorrow I will love myself, and the grass will not grow in the field. I will take into account my interests, act at my own discretion, regardless of how the people around me react to this. Nothing good will come of it.How to learn to love yourself psychologist's advice - you need to start a long and painstaking work above yourself, to grow love for yourself from a small sprout, and not to impose this feeling on yourself.
1. Stop comparing yourself to others.
Each person is an individual! Everyone has qualities worthy of respect and admiration. You need to find them in yourself and start cultivating them.2. Stop engaging in self-criticism.
The world is not perfect, and every person living in it has flaws. There is no point in beating yourself up for them. What can be corrected, you need to start correcting, rewarding yourself for success. What cannot be corrected must be accepted, stop focusing your own attention on it. So, it's pointless to torture yourself for excess weight. Need . Lost pounds will be a reason to be proud of yourself and increase self-esteem. But to focus on the lack of an ear for music, for example, is generally stupid. It is more expedient to find some other talent in yourself, but there is definitely one.3. Forgive yourself for past mistakes.
It's hard to love yourself while living with guilt, blaming yourself for something that has never been done or done wrong. Mistakes should be a lesson, not a heavy burden for life. To live in harmony and happily, you need to learn to forgive others and yourself.4. Start acting on the contrary method and change your behavior.
Life will be better if you smile more often and not be, you are drawn to people, to communicate more. Your attitude towards yourself will also change.5. Do something that really brings pleasure.
Any hobby, doing something with the soul is an opportunity to feel your inner world, put your thoughts and feelings in order, find beauty in your own soul, something for which you can really love yourself.6. Determine the external manifestations of love and apply them to yourself.
You want to take care of your loved one, praise him, pamper, encourage and cheer him up. What's stopping you from doing it for yourself? You need to take care of your health, indulge yourself with tasty and healthy food, satisfy your own needs, encourage morally and materially in order to understand that it is very pleasant to love yourself.Also, to raise self-esteem and morale, psychologists advise setting a number of approximate in time, quite realistic goals, achieving them and heartily praising yourself for this.
For example:
- at home - remove things dumped in the corner and wash the chandelier;
- at work - to implement your innovation and convince your boss that this is the only way to do it;
- at school - to finally learn that seemingly overwhelming material;
- in transport - keep silent in response to a boor or let someone ahead of you;
- with friends - open up, overcome your shyness, try to involve them in an exciting event;
- with a loved one - tell him tender word, touch, prepare a surprise;
- in nature - to see, finally, what beautiful flowers, clouds, leaves on trees, snowflakes, raindrops, a cat running past or a bird flying by.