The ABC of behavior, or What to do with problems? What to do about problems with sex life. Advice from an experienced sexologist

What is the problem?

Good afternoon, readers of my blog. Every person, no matter who, where, what income and opportunities they have, faces many problems, incomprehensible situations, the solution of which could greatly simplify life. The topic of today’s article is quite interesting, and if you read to the end and soberly perceive the information, then your life can change once and for all.

First, let's define what the problem is and only then consider how to solve it. I very often attended all kinds of trainings, seminars and lectures. Having put together the information received, I can say that the problem is the obstacle that faces us and prevents us from moving towards our goal. As a rule, problems cause negative feelings in us - anxiety, apathy, anger, irritation, and the appearance of such feelings is also a sign of problems.
Nobody likes problems, many try to avoid them, but I have met people who rejoiced in every possible way when some minor difficulty or obstacle appeared on their way. It’s strange, why be happy about something that creates discomfort? Here you need to look from the other side, analyze how you perceive the problem. If you immediately take everything negatively, you see very difficult situation from which it will be as difficult as possible to get out, then so be it. My friends see problems as a stimulus for development, an opportunity to improve and gain new knowledge.
If you are faced with a problem, it means that you do not have enough knowledge to prevent it, and not enough to solve it. We need to do something, learn, use new skills in order to avoid this in the future.

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There must be problems! What for?

I am the kind of person that if you ask me a question to which I don’t know the answer, I will answer that I don’t know. But believe me, I know how to find this answer, and I will find it. Isn't that the main thing?
Chris Garden, millionaire
From the above, we can conclude that problems are simply necessary. Is this so? Personally, I believe that all kinds of difficulties are an incentive for development and personal growth. Just think, when everything is fine with a person, he has some income, albeit not much, but it is enough for life, life goes on calmly and measuredly, then you don’t want to change anything. Perhaps he understands that he can do better, but there is no incentive to act, there is no problem that would force him to drop everything, turn on his brain and work. While reading business books, I very often came across interesting fact that most millionaires, at the very beginning of their journey, had nothing, they were faced with a colossal problem, with the need to develop and achieve success or be left with nothing on the street.
A problem can be both a stimulus for development and a burden pulling you to the bottom. It all depends on your perception and desire to solve the difficulties that arise.

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What to do about the problem?

First, you must accept the problem, realize that it exists and needs to be solved. Secondly, we must realize that the problem is not a dead end, it is only a door behind which there will be new opportunities and prospects for development.
When you accept a problem, this does not mean that you need to give up, hang your nose and complain about how bad and unfair everything is. Don't attract negativity to yourself. On the contrary, each new problem should be perceived with sporting interest, a desire to solve it and see what will happen next, how your life will change, what colors will paint your gray everyday life.
If you change your attitude towards difficulties, then believe me that you will live completely differently, new thoughts, new ideas and opportunities will appear, the world will begin to change.
And most importantly, do not panic if some situation arises that you do not understand. A couple of years ago I read a statement by the Dalai Lama that became a household word for me. I was always very upset and upset if I encountered difficulties, but then I realized that with my behavior I was only aggravating the problem.
If the problem can be resolved, there is no need to worry about it. If a problem cannot be solved, there is no point in worrying about it.
Dalai Lama

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How to perceive problems differently?

To change your attitude towards a problem, you need to work hard on your thoughts. First of all, stop lying to yourself. Yes, exactly lying. After all, we create many problems ourselves. I want to earn more, but I don't have the opportunity. I want to meet friends on weekends, but already family man. I would take this job, but I’m not sure if I’ll have free time, etc. We contrast what we want with what we have this moment, and that's not right. We ourselves create problems out of the blue, and then we ourselves complain that problems come out of nowhere.
Those who want, look for opportunities, those who don’t want, look for reasons.
Socrates
Such opposition should not exist, it is not correct and drags you into a quagmire. You must understand that there are only two options: “I want and can achieve this” and “I don’t want”, everything else is empty excuses.
This opposition is natural, but you need to fight it; you don’t need to look for external factors that supposedly interfere with you. My advice is to change your attitude towards the problem, don’t make excuses, don’t lie to yourself and don’t try to justify yourself. You can lie to others, but deceiving and convincing yourself of something that is not reality is the height of stupidity. Remember, the only thing that prevents you from achieving your goal is your reluctance to work and develop. Everything else is not a problem. After you overcome the demon in yourself, you will see that all the difficulties that seemed to you were not such.
My friend always had a problem. He said: “I want to play sports, but I don’t have enough time. I want to start my own business, but I don't know how. I want... and many more “buts”. He created a circle of problems around himself, got caught up in these “buts” and did not even want to look for a solution. It was easier to justify my lack of money, bad physical fitness and other shortcomings due to many “insurmountable” factors. Forget once and for all about these “buts”.
Put the question differently - “I want to earn more. How can I do it?" It is then that your brain will begin to work, you yourself will understand that there is a problem, but it is an incentive for development.
If everything in your life is good, everything is measured and smooth, then I advise you to create small problems and set goals for yourself. Do this not to complain or justify failures, but in order to step onto the next stage in the development of yourself as an individual and a successful person.
I would not have written this article if my thoughts were not similar to those stated. Believe me, once you stop seeing problems as an anchor and begin to use them for self-improvement, you will achieve incredible heights both in business and in all other areas of your life.

Not every woman can boast of an ideal relationship with her mother-in-law. Often a man’s mother and his wife are in such a tense relationship that they are literally unable to be close.

“I hate my mother-in-law, what can be done about this” - thousands of women turn to psychologists with a similar question. However, the answer should not be sought in external factors, but in the internal, spiritual problems of the lady herself.

Origins of the problem

“I sincerely hate my mother-in-law, what should I do about this problem?” - to correctly answer this question, it’s worth delving into psychology.

Most often, two women conflict for the following reasons:

Perhaps the most common source of conflict is jealousy. The daughter-in-law and mother-in-law may not admit it, but because of the hegemony in the relationship with the man, they are ready to go to great lengths.

The mother is often jealous of her son for his chosen one, and the daughter-in-law herself, feeling this negativity, turns against her mother-in-law.

Another problem that besets almost any family fits into one unspoken truth: “two housewives in the kitchen spell trouble.” If they live together. They will invariably begin to conflict over the proper raising of children, cooking and cleaning. These conflicts invariably spoil the atmosphere in the house, so psychologists advise avoiding them in all possible ways.

“I hate my mother-in-law and I don’t know how to deal with it” - in this difficult situation psychologists advise to be patient and resort to common methods of resolving family conflicts.

Ways to deal with family problems

It was already said above that the first action that a girl who finds herself in such a situation needs to take is to find out the true cause of the problem. Next, based on the problem, you will have to look for ways to solve it. What advice do psychologists give in this case?

How to stop hating your mother-in-law? It seems like the most obvious answer is to stop seeing her. However, the “out of sight, out of mind” rule doesn’t work well here, because we're talking about about a family member. By minimizing contacts with her mother-in-law, the daughter-in-law only creates additional conflicts. Sooner or later, the children will begin to ask why they rarely see their grandmother, and the situation will cause indignation in the husband. As a result, the conflict will move into the open stage.

Psychologists advise talking with a relative, trying to find out the cause of the problem. Perhaps we are talking about banal jealousy, or maybe the lady herself, without noticing it, offended a relative. It is better to solve the problem now so that in the end it does not turn into a long-term conflict.

It is also necessary to listen carefully to your mother-in-law’s advice, using the best of them. Often daughters-in-law perceive sincere help in a negative way, which gives rise to unnecessary quarrels.

Should I involve my husband in a conflict?

Another always pressing question is whether it is worth interfering with your beloved man in the emerging conflict. Psychologists give a clear negative answer.

According to experts, if a wife and mother-in-law start complaining to a man about their conflicts, he may simply not be able to withstand such pressure.

Often ladies force a representative of the stronger sex to make a difficult choice between mother and wife, and this does not end well. In addition, constant conversations with your husband about conflicts with your mother-in-law can reach the other side. As a result, the conflict will mature even more and turn into long-term hostility.

Psychologists advise telling your husband about the essence of the conflict only if the woman has really been suffering from excessive pressure from her mother-in-law for several months. In this case, the head of the family can calmly and reasonably talk to the mother.

Here it is important to take into account the husband’s relationship with his mother. If they also conflict, then there will be no help from the lover. A woman will have to resolve the conflict on her own.

If a man is excessively close to a relative, he must approach the disclosure of the situation carefully so as not to turn the husband against himself. Still, he can find another wife, but a man can only have one mother.

“I have hated my mother-in-law for many years, how to solve the problem” - this pressing question is so multifaceted that in each case it may have its own answers. However, there are relevant tips that should be used in resolving any family conflicts:

do not hold grudges against each other for too long;
avoid petty quarrels over stupid things that can ultimately affect the family climate;
do not interfere with children and other relatives in the situation;
objectively evaluate your own behavior and mistakes.

Sometimes the mother-in-law has quite adequate reasons not to love her daughter-in-law. However, the woman refuses to accept her guilt, which is why the conflict escalates into a real war.

In such a situation, you should study the mother-in-law’s claims in detail and try to look at yourself from the outside. Are these quibbles relevant? Is there any truth to them? Psychologists advise women not to perceive themselves as an unquestioning ideal, as this is fraught with hurtful disappointments.

Also, you should not be offended by your mother-in-law over any little thing. It is important to understand here that harmony in the family is higher than both pride and fleeting anger. By applying it today, a woman will ensure psychological comfort in the house tomorrow.

And, of course, children should never be involved in adult disputes. You cannot express an opinion about your grandmother in front of them. You shouldn’t come up with funny nicknames for her or quarrel in front of the kids. All this can affect the negative attitude of the heirs towards the older generation, distorting their psychological appearance.

Also, a grandmother should not tell her grandchildren about the bad qualities of their mother. Still, for children, the parent will always be the best. Children are sensitive to any negative changes in the family, so it is often impossible to protect them from conflict. The task of the family is to minimize the influence of this factor on the younger generation.

“Why don’t the psychologist’s advice help, and I still hate my mother-in-law?” Many ladies ask this question, without thinking about how objective and sincere their efforts to save the family microclimate are. Dialogue and an easy attitude towards minor nagging or conflicts lead to the fact that women succeed in short term forget about all grievances.

Irina, St. Petersburg

A person's sex life is a very personal area. There are no strict rules regarding the frequency of sexual intercourse and its duration. But, nevertheless, you should not ignore unpleasant symptoms that may indicate that you are having problems with your sex life. Although various types of disorders can occur at any age, problems with sex in people from 16 to 35 have their own characteristics. When solving such difficulties, false shame is a bad adviser. It makes sense to contact specialists as quickly as possible who will identify the problem, determine its cause, and offer solutions, including psychological and medicinal ones. Dr. Makarova offers a comprehensive examination, after which therapy is prescribed, leading to recovery and correction.

Sexual disorders in men

All men have some kind of sexual problems. It can be:

lack of the important male hormone testosterone;
lack of attraction to females;
weak erection;
ejaculation too fast;
painful sensations during sexual intercourse.

If erection problems occur, the cause is most often physical. Erectile dysfunction can be caused by problems with blood vessels or it can be a consequence of diabetes. Accordingly, solving the problem is impossible without eliminating the causes. In addition, erections may be negatively affected by certain medications, especially those used to lower blood pressure or treat depression.

Men also need to understand that an unhealthy lifestyle leads to decreased erection or even impotence: smoking, drinking alcohol, and a sedentary lifestyle. Great value to save men's health has a calm and measured pace of life, no stress, overexertion, or depression.

A sexologist will check the production of the hormone testosterone, signs of deficiency of which may include:

loss of interest in sex;
lack of erection;
low sperm count;
emotional instability, anger;
deterioration of memory and concentration;
baldness;
small soft testicles.

Erectile dysfunction is treatable, especially when it comes to young men under 35 years of age. You will need timely consultation with a sexologist and compliance with his instructions. But you need to be prepared for the fact that therapy will take some time, since in some cases you need to try several methods to achieve a lasting positive result. Consultations with a psychologist are also important to help restore self-esteem and improve your emotional state.

Sexual dysfunctions in women

It is a mistake to think that sex is less important for a woman than for a man. Therefore, if sexual desire weakens, you need to consult a doctor who will identify the cause. This is very important for prescribing adequate treatment.

Dysfunction in a woman can be:

primary, when sexual expectations have never been met;
secondary, occurring with age;
situational, which occurs under certain conditions.

And since different types sexual dysfunction have different reasons, then problems are solved in different ways. For the most part, primary dysfunction is psychogenic in origin. As for secondary ones, they can be caused by illness or medication. In addition, situations arise when even the abolition of drugs that negatively affect sexual desire does not solve the problem, since by the time the causes are identified, psychological disruptions have appeared.

Also, the cause of decreased sexual desire in a woman may be dyspareunia - pain during sexual intercourse associated with diseases or injuries of the genital organs.

But whatever the reasons for the decline in interest in sex life in men and women, you should not self-medicate. Advice from a sexologist will help you quickly restore body functions, and life will sparkle with new colors.

What is the problem?

Having put together all the conversations and trainings that I conduct, I can formulate a collective definition of the problem. A problem is something that stands in the way of our movement through life, something that in one way or another prevents us from achieving our goal. As a rule, encountering it causes not the most inspiring feelings - irritation, anxiety, apathy - this is another sure sign of a problem. In addition, this is often a long-term phenomenon - the problem can last for ten years or an hour. That is, for a certain time this phenomenon exists in our reality, causes negativity, does not find an answer and requires certain efforts to solve, causing tension. This is where our habitual attitude towards problems is formed. Everyone is sure that there should be no problems in life, this is something that interferes with life, something that must be avoided at all costs. However, this is where the origins of an ineffective attitude to problems lie.

I offer a different point of view.

There must be problems

Firstly, problems are something that should happen in life. This is something without which life does not exist in principle. Overcoming obstacles along the way is the essence of life! And the struggle begins from the very first moment of a person’s life - from birth.

Even in the mother's womb, the child is in an absolutely problem-free space. He is absolutely happy and does not need to make any effort to solve everyday problems - food arrives without interruption, the temperature is comfortable. That is, birth is the first problem that causes discomfort, which must somehow be overcome. Naturally, the child does not know how to overcome anything. He can only cry and call for help.

The older we get, the more responsibility for solving problems falls on our shoulders. “It’s your business, son, figure it out yourself,” the parents say. Life more and more insistently invites us to become adults and overcome the obstacles that arise along the way ourselves.

Why do we need problems?

By solving the next problem, we automatically create a problem at the next level. This is the basis of personal growth and is often called “overcoming.” So, trying to free ourselves from parental care, we leave for another city and go to college, move into a dormitory. And from this moment on, we have a dozen new problems, which parental home did not have. By solving one issue, we are guaranteed to acquire new problems.

Why do we need problems? Is it really so as not to solve them, and therefore not to move on and not get new inspiring results? Yes Yes. We worry, say “I have a problem” and shift responsibility onto external circumstances, thereby only aggravating it. Because worsening the problem is not the path to a solution, but freezing the situation. And the more complex and larger the problem, the more legitimate peace I have that “this is the problem and there’s no getting around it.”

What to do?

Accept the problem - once. Realizing that this is the essence of moving through life - two.

Accepting a problem does not mean endowing it with negative feelings and emotions. On the contrary, we must joyfully face problems and jump up every day to solve them! This is the meaning of life - not in comfort, but in moving on! As soon as you change your attitude towards problems, completely different ideas will come, reality will begin to be perceived differently, the brain will work in a new way and will give inspiration to solve difficulties, and not to complicate them.

How to change your attitude towards problems?

You can start working on yourself by noticing: we very often contrast what we want with what we have. I want to buy a car, but my payment is small. I want to spend more time with friends, but now I'm a family man. The opposition already implies a problem. Roughly speaking, this is a lie. This opposition is not legitimate. Because the only thing that can be opposed to the idea “I want an apartment” is the thought “I don’t want an apartment.” Somewhere subconsciously I understand that such opposition will cause a new level of problems in my life. And I avoid this comparison. But in order to do this legitimately, I need an ironclad opposition. I can’t admit to myself that I want an apartment, but I just don’t want it. I need a completely clear external argument - my low-paid job is bothering me, I have a bad boss, and so on. Moreover, the more ironclad the argument, the calmer I can remain on my level and not grow.

I propose to change the attitude towards problems. We need to stop making these oppositions and admit that the only thing that can stop us is our reluctance to do something.

For example, I want to play sports. But I know that it won’t be easy and I come up with an excuse: I want to play sports, but I have frequent business trips. Note that the contrast implies “but.” Now this is a problem, and one created by our own hands. Solving it is very simple - you need to admit that its root is our reluctance to go to the gym and instead of the conjunction “but” put “and”. I want to play sports and I have business trips. There is no opposition here. I am in such conditions and I need to start playing sports. As a result, the brain begins to generate responses in a completely different way. Energy, interest, joy appear. There is only one condition here: you must not deceive yourself, not pretend, and really want to solve the pressing issue.

Therefore, my proposal and my wish is to solve problems. If they suddenly don’t exist, and life becomes comfortable, create these problems yourself! But not in order to make them a tragedy, and then clean up the mess that has brewed in the brain. And in order to use the problem to set an even higher bar, a new goal that will require efforts from me to conquer a new step in life. By setting new goals, we move, live and develop.

Believe me, awareness and acceptance of these rules of life, using problems as a means of growth and self-development, and not an anchor, will bring you true pleasure and make you stronger!

Why do wrinkles appear on the forehead? Why does irritability come? Why does everything get boring? How many things need to be done? And everyone demands faster. One thing, another, a third and that’s it... self-confidence disappears. That's all - it seems there is no strength. What a vacation it is...

We must decide and do, decide and do. But there is still global problems, housing, work, health, and it wouldn’t hurt to rest.
Some problems are like splinters and you can’t pull them out (solve them) and you can’t get rid of them either. And so for years... Yes, yes for years!
And there is already age, and fatigue has accumulated, and a lot of other things.
However, everything can be changed. You just need to not be afraid and take problems apart into cogs, into pieces. And see what can be done. Somehow others solve their problems. And they have worse problems.
I remember one driver, he worked on gas-generating cars back in the war. We drove with him along a forest road in a UAZ. This is before on such Ambulance I was driving, and now our car breaks down. There is something very serious with the right front wheel. The city is still 15 km away. Cars rarely go on this road, what should I do?
And this driver, a man of few words, came up with an idea. We fastened a long birch log instead of a wheel and slowly drove on. He solved this problem!
And I remember this driver when it seems that nothing can be solved.
There are certain techniques and skills for solving problems. You can follow certain schemes, or you can break the problem into several small ones and solve it one at a time. It's all a skill that can be acquired. You just need to know how.