Parting

A decent man for a woman with a child. All about the psychology of men in love with your children and babies from a previous marriage

"Divorce with children” - increasingly sounds like a curse. Such a woman, in the opinion of many, seems to be generally unworthy of living among people, and there is no talk of her remarrying and finding her happiness at all.

But all these are just stereotypical thoughts that have no serious basis. Let's talk about why he should marry a divorced woman with a child.

She is a relationship guru

It doesn't matter who initiated the divorce in her past relationship. In any conflict, both are to blame. But even if, after parting, she did not sit and analyze the situation, in any case, she made certain conclusions. Now she knows why a man can leave, and is ready to appreciate a new relationship. Perhaps the new companion will get a woman with an almost perfect character.

She is a self-sufficient person

Before meeting a new man, a divorced woman carried on her shoulders a rather heavy burden of responsibility not only for herself, but also for the child. Therefore, now, in fact, she does not need anything from a man. A new companion, of course, will make her life happier and easier, but even without him, in which case, the woman will cope.

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She doesn't want kids

At least right after the start of a relationship or marriage. She already has a child, so you have time to enjoy each other. She can't stand the brain of a man about procreation, and she does not have an obsession with giving birth before a certain age.

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Can train in parenting

One way or another, a man will have to interact with her child. And this is a great way to practice your fathering skills in order to apply them to your mutual children in the future. Of course, her child has a father who will take on the main responsibilities, but no one will interfere with trying on his role for a new chosen one.

She openly expresses her thoughts

Such a woman does not have the habit of talking in hints, which so often annoys men. Having been in a relationship, she drew conclusions on how to communicate with representatives of the strong half of humanity in order to achieve what you want. There will be a claim, she will openly express it and will not play up, so that the man wonders for hours what they want from him or what they are offended by.

Cover photo: unassvadba

Marry a divorcee?

According to the UN Demographic Yearbook, every second divorced person remarries. However, creating a second family is not always easy. Especially if a man decided to marry a divorced lady with a child.

Psychotherapist S. Krahtovill, studied the features of such marriage unions and found that they do indeed often have problems. And they are connected mainly with the presence of new wife children from another man.

Her kids

Often children refuse to recognize the right of a new “dad” to a full-fledged place in their family, considering him as an uninvited guest who has usurped part of his mother’s love and attention. Relatives and friends often frighten the potential groom of a divorced bride with the complexities of relations with “her” children and possible conflicts with their grandmother, future mother-in-law.

I must say that there is some reason for this. in remarriage, she really sometimes tends to put her new husband only in the third (after the child), and even in the fourth (after her mother) place in the family.

She may be annoyed by the negative or indifferent (as it seems to her) attitude of her husband towards stepchildren. Expecting from him "fatherly" love and care for her child, in most cases she is disappointed, which is not good for a new marriage.

Difficulties in the second family

The American psychologist W. Satir describes the problems of remarriages with children from previous unions as follows:

A woman can form a coalition with her own child, shielding him from the upbringing of a new husband and not allowing him to participate in his life;

The wife demands from the new spouse the manifestation of " male hand' in relation to their own children. Acting thoughtlessly to please her, he runs the risk of not achieving a result, seriously ruining relations with them. Especially often the conflict arises with teenagers;

Entering a new family, a man involuntarily introduces his own rules and views there, which may not coincide with the attitudes and order of things adopted in it. Thus, he, unwittingly, puts himself in the position of a "stranger".

Attention! Understanding your problem is the first step towards solving it.

Can a second marriage be happy?

Nevertheless, happiness in remarriage is possible if one draws lessons from his first unsuccessful family experience, acquires life wisdom, patience and the will to create new family, takes into account the difficulties that may naturally arise in their relationship with the children from the spouse's first marriage.

These difficulties will gradually go away as the children grow up and move away. According to statistics, more than two-thirds of men create a second family after a divorce. Almost half of them recognize their second marriage as happier. Most likely, these are those who managed to understand how

Quite often you can hear from women that a man loves kids from a previous marriage very much, but he does not treat their children quite as much as he would like. Maybe it's all about the psychology of men? And is there a way out in this situation?

So, how does a man show his love for children from a previous marriage and how for your children who are not his own?

Perhaps this belief is connected with the experience of women who lived with both the father of their children and their stepfather. There is also a widespread belief that children are not very interesting for men until the moment when it will be possible to talk with them about something that the man himself is interested in.

Of course, often men begin to communicate more intensively with children when they enter adolescence, the leading activity of which is communication with peers and development social peace.

In many families, especially in our country, where family patterns seem patriarchal on the surface, the father is more than a mother, is responsible for the development of the social world, for self-confidence, for social success. At the same time, mothers are more focused on teaching their child to communicate in the context of close emotional relationships, better feel the nuances of communication at an intimate distance.

However, all of the above does not mean at all that the psychology of men in love for children can affect him unpredictably. Everything is quite logical and, unfortunately, your children are not interested in men before they grow up. Modern men, in contrast to their "brothers in the sex" who lived in the last century, are more feminized, if by feminine qualities we mean both the frequency and quality of contacts with children.

The growing number of fathers who are entering the sale of children's cars and fiercely fighting for the right to communicate with their babies, once again confirms this. Whether we like it or not, there is a tendency to move towards gender psychological equality, while weak, but gradually gaining momentum.

Tender, let me remind you, is a social gender. Both men and women, who are such by their physical sex, can demonstrate both masculine - masculine and feminine - feminine qualities in different proportions. We see masculine women and feminine men, which means that their physical gender and social gender may not match, and this is completely normal.

Both in a man and in a woman there are different parts from a psychological point of view. Every woman has an inner man, and a man also has an inner woman. The question is to what extent they are manifested.

So, the psychology of a man now comes into contact with his children much more often and more actively, takes an interest in their life, and participates in their upbringing. Increasingly, they begin to communicate with the baby from the very moment of his birth - when they are present at the birth together with the mother of the child. In the case when a man actively participates in the life of his child, he cannot but be attached to him, cannot but feel feelings of love and sympathy.

In the event that his relationship with the mother of the child deteriorates, he does not transfer it to the child. More often, women begin to turn their son or daughter against their father, entering into a kind of coalition “we are friends against dad” with him.

Men can also do this if they stay with the baby, and the mother is kicked out of the family. But mentally healthy people are generally able to separate their relationship with their spouse and their relationship with their children.

Therefore, the love of a father who was involved in communication with his child does not disappear when parting with his mother. Only the suffering associated with the fact that the father cannot see the child as often as he would like is added.

It seems to you that the psychology of men in love for children from a past marriage is very complex and you are not able to understand it, and the opinion that a man loves children from his beloved wife actually indicates that if a man has stopped loving a woman, then he will automatically fall out of love with the children who were born in marriage with this woman. It is true only for those men who, even before the divorce, were not attached to children. Those men who, before the divorce, experienced a feeling of love for children are unlikely to lose it.

This belief also suggests that if a man marries a woman who already has children from other relationships, and he loves this woman, then he will love the children too. Of course, this is not true.

There are quite a few men who, being in love with a woman, cannot establish contact with her children from other relationships. Feelings of jealousy may be mixed in, as the child is a constant reminder of the other man. There may be a feeling of anxiety, it may seem to a man that he will not be able to establish contact with the child.

Relationship difficulties can also arise due to competition for the attention of the mother, which is often difficult for a man to overcome, because he simply does not know how to do it.

Thus, one can only argue that love for a woman can help overcome the difficulties of establishing contact with her children from previous relationships.

But one can hardly say that love for a woman is automatically transferred to her children, mainly because a child is born with the participation of two people. Few people like to remember that their love was once close to someone else.

What are you risking, baby and man

What are you risking if you believe that men love children from their beloved wife? Firstly, by what it will seem to you - since he loves me, he will also accept my child. Women often say that, and other women often say that to women. Of course, if he loves you, then he will try. But this does not mean at all that he will succeed immediately.

When you don’t know how to get a man’s love for children, and when this belief reigns in your head, a woman can take a completely wrong passive position, letting everything take its course and not participating in any way in the process of establishing a relationship between her new beloved man and her child or children. It may seem to her that everything should happen by itself.

Another point of risk is that, on the one hand, it's great, but on the other, it can become a hindrance. A woman who loves her child very much is sure that it is beautiful and everyone should love her child and be interested in it. Of course, this attitude must be parted with in that part of it that concerns other people.

For you, your child is the best, smartest, most beautiful. But for all other people, he is just a child, one of many. Just like you don't have a dollar to please everyone, your child also can't please everyone absolutely.

If you begin to think this way, you run the risk of becoming offended by a man who will not behave the way you think he should behave.

A man may not have the experience of communicating with children or not have the experience of communicating with non-native children, he begins to get this experience with you, and he needs your support, and not hidden grievances.

Firstly, in order to establish it, it is necessary to remember that the relationship between a man and your children, if they are not relatives to him, cannot be left to chance and not participate in them at all.

The psychology of men, especially in love for children, is a mystery to many women. Think twice before you do anything. A man may need your support and attention, and if so, he definitely needs help. In the end, he is not to blame for the fact that he appeared in your life after the baby from another man appeared.

Before you start giving him this support, you need to remember that the child appeared in your life earlier, which means that he has priority and he remains in the first place for you.

It is not necessary to leave children to live with grandparents in order to improve their personal lives - this is a mistake that will subsequently respond negatively. You do not need to pretend that the child is not too important to you in order to win male attention and tie a man to you.

It is important that a man understands that your child is very important to you, you love him, you need him. In part, he will adopt your style of communication and behavior with your child, imitation is the basic mechanism for adapting to situations in which it is not entirely clear how to behave. So be good example to follow!

At the same time, it is important that the man does not feel deprived of your attention, if the child has priority in the order of appearance in your life, this does not mean that this should be constantly emphasized.

In order to avoid competition between a man and your child, it is necessary to clearly understand that in the family as a system there are a number of subsystems, in particular, marital and child-parental. It is important to separate these subsystems and communicate on different levels.

Don't try to turn a stepfather into a parent too quickly, set aside special time for communication with children, both your own and joint ones. And also to allocate specially and consciously time for marital communication, matters that concern only you and your man and have nothing to do with the parent-child subsystem.

At the very beginning, calmly note to yourself whether the man has difficulties in making contact with your child, and if so, what. To understand how you can influence it, you need to understand what exactly you will influence.

It is best to write down what you observe and then go to a family psychologist with your child and new husband. You can also talk to your husband, find out how he sees the situation and what he would like to change about it. After you know this, you will be able to understand what you yourself can do to change the situation.

And if your new husband loving you without any additional measures fell in love with your relatives, but non-native children for him, it remains only to be happy for you and wish you that it was always like this!

At the request of the student journalistic community, I am publishing to you part of my lecture on psychology...

Many men, no matter how more experienced relatives and friends dissuade them, still try to build their relationships with women who are married and not suitable for family relationships - with divorced women with children. In most cases, such relationships end in a logical separation. And there are many reasons for this. Someone will say that there are examples of such long-term relationships, but as a rule they are all exceptions to disappointing rules.

But let's take a look at the reasons for the transformation of an ordinary young girl into a woman unsuitable for creating any kind of family relationship between a woman and a child. The whole thing lies in the very nature of women's education.

Before crossing the threshold of the registry office, a youthful, unintelligent individual should be aware of what actually threatens her after a divorce from a man expected by all the fibers of her soul. Perhaps she will be left alone, or even with children, no one needs her, degraded and already willing to do anything, just to somehow feed herself and her children. A man, unless of course he is a complete nerd, ex-wives Not needed. And this is fundamental for Russia, the country of divorces and someone's ex-wives.

This is where the most important thing begins.

Having staked out a sweet man for herself and given birth to children for him, the girl immediately gets divorced in order to sue everything - from lifelong alimony to Gazprom shares with a view of the Cote d'Azur. But after the long-awaited divorce, many girls are in for an enchanting disappointment, comparable in strength to a pretentious ahuy. After a divorce, no one needs a woman with luggage, especially her ex-husband. Fuck a normal man ex-girl? Fuck a man with a woman with luggage?

Men are creatures, scoundrels, scoundrels and terrible owners, for whom one of the most important criteria in life is the notorious rule - "my wife is my property, and not anyone else's, period", and children are not always an exception to this.

Alas, in our modern world, mired in lack of culture and economic confusion, where lost in the distant Soviet years the institution of marriage and the family definitively and irrevocably, marriage is just part of a divorce, and having a baby is a bargaining chip- happens and often such a strange phenomenon as marrying a woman with a child. And this is where a lot of underground shoals arise, which psychologists around the world do not even know how to characterize, except for one word - horror.

Alas, it must be admitted that by entering into such a relationship, a man does not create his own family, but only joins on the bird's rights, terrible for male psychological perception, to an already existing single-parent family, the family of a woman with a child and ex-husband who, logically, has at least some, but still communication with his children, even if by law they no longer live in a single happy society, capable of growing up in a favorable scenario MENTALLY COMPLETE members of the society.

Of course, children in the marriage of divorced parents automatically become inferior, and unfortunately, the trauma of such a marriage affects later life child in a negative way, as the seal of an inferior family for the rest of his life.

And when an outsider links himself with a woman who has children from a previous marriage, many problems are created, the most important of which is directly - the child.

Someone else's child - this time bomb, which sooner or later, but still explodes, and then it becomes bad, and all at once. The reason for all this is a pedagogical impasse, which is that it is simply unrealistic to apply the best method of raising children in a family when a child feels and knows that close person his mother is not his father.

In addition, in relation to her dear child, a woman will not allow any criticism, especially punishment or educational actions on the part of her new spouse, and for a child - a stepfather, even if other methods of influencing a spoiled lazy child simply do not work. It is not difficult to imagine what psychological trauma a child experiences in such a union - when his beloved only mother lives with an outside man whom he must love and respect when the child has a real beloved and own father who does not live with them for reasons incomprehensible to the child. In particular advanced cases even an indication to the child in words - is perceived by a woman as an attempt to physical and psychological pressure for a woman's only child.

In turn, the father, no matter how bad this expression sounds - the biological father, will be clearly against such an execution of his own child from the side of another boyfriend of his ex-wife who brought into the house a stranger and a stranger to them joint child man. In such a relationship with a divorced woman with a child, the biological father will periodically emerge in the role of an extremely positive character - a Sunday dad, against which a negligent and hated unfortunate educator will look like a monster, tormentor and tyrant to the child.

In the scenario, when a man who has created a relationship with a divorced woman with a child will tactically step aside from the educational functions of someone else's non-native child, so as not to run into inappropriate criticism from the divorced woman and even the biological father of the child - he automatically goes into the category of negligent men who do not love a woman and children, even if children are not native to him.

It turns out a catastrophic vicious circle, the way out of which for a man who has created a relationship with a divorced woman with a child simply does not exist, except to act logically and leave.

And even if a man contrives, and becomes the most important in these difficult relationships for him, and achieves the respect of all family members, forcing him to listen carefully and unquestioningly, fulfilling leading role of this union - all this will be only for a while, returning to normal, but it will be much more painful for the man himself for the time wasted and wasted on the initially doomed relationship.

As a rule, in such relationships, a man who has tied the knot with a divorced woman with a child is assigned a secondary role to be on the sidelines and perform exclusively the task of a raw material appendage to this inferior family - a wife, her child and a former Sunday father of a child - providing material well-being and getting on your feet NOT OWN offspring. Some of the men are quite satisfied with such a role, but to call such a man a full-fledged one is no longer possible, no matter how hard you try. Being a slipper, a ficus or a whipping cat in a strange family is not the most successful role for a healthy, full-fledged man who wants to create his own family, a cell of his own society. Although I agree that there men with low life expectancy, which many of the above will be quite satisfied.

Given all of the above arguments, never, under any circumstances, get involved in the pool of married women - divorced women with children, so as not to turn into the notorious rag that some of you observe among your surroundings. Associating your life with a serious relationship with a woman so rich THE PAST LINE OF PROBLEMS, to which the man has nothing to do - the man dooms himself to a deliberately losing position than when he had it during the period of innocent sexual intercourse with a married divorced woman.

The conclusion is disappointing, but extremely simple.

Never tie your family life with divorced women with a child, indulging themselves only with sexual partnerships with such a woman. And even then, do you need it?

To As a rule, a divorced woman with a child faces a very difficult choice. On the one hand, a great desire to re-create a full-fledged family, but on the other hand, the responsibility for the child inspires fear and doubt. It is not known how the appearance of a new man in the house will affect her child and the relationship in general.

How to choose the right one, what to look for Special attention, what character traits to look for and which ones to shy away from? Naturally, we will not give any clear recipes, but only indicate some markers that allow you to initially see if there is a chance with this man to create, albeit not an absolute family idyll but at least some harmony between all family members.

Risk factors

The man has no children of his own yet.

If your age allows you to give birth to a joint child, then there is a high probability that after his birth your own child will serve as an increasingly annoying factor for a man. Especially if the children are of the same sex. Think a hundred times!

"Do you have a child? It's wonderful - I love children!"

If, when meeting a man, you heard such an enthusiastic phrase from him, then one of two things: either he needs a short affair with a finale in bed, or (even worse) the man is simply stupid. Stupid, because does not represent the fullness of the problems ahead. And since he does not represent, he is not ready for them.

An inflated sense of superiority.

The first task of a man when meeting you is to win your location. Naturally, for you great value exactly how he will do it. But if you are aiming for serious relationship and marriage, then pay more attention to how a man behaves with service personnel, and not with you. Waiters, sellers, cashiers, taxi drivers - what attitude to them, exactly the same will be to you - after 3-5 years. No options.

Increased aggressiveness after drinking alcohol.

Oh, it’s not for nothing that our grandmothers said: “If you want to know a person, get him drunk.” Removing the external "locks", alcohol allows the inner essence to manifest itself. One becomes cheerful, kind and ready to give everything in the world, the other becomes aggressive. Let aggression not yet addressed to you, however, the bell is very disturbing.

In conversations, do not jump on the topic of how smart (golden, smart) your son or daughter is. Man in this moment You are only interested in yourself and no one else. Even if he himself started talking about it, it was only for the sake of courtesy.

Do not rush to "load" with various problems and hardships associated with the child. Even indirect ones. It is very important. It's not about fear of responsibility or stinginess. Everything is simpler - a man feels that your thoughts about the child are taking you away from him. And it's not very pleasant. Especially in initial stage acquaintance.

Do not rush to introduce the child. Firstly, you are still not sure for sure that the relationship with this man will last and progress, and therefore it is not worth it for the child to see another “uncle” near his mother. And secondly, the man himself will ask for it when he feels that the time has come. And to his question “why don’t you show me your child,” tell the truth: “I’m afraid to push events and waited for you to ask about it yourself.”