How to forget a loved one? How to forget and let go of a loved one

Question to the psychologist:

Good afternoon! I hope I get your answer and at least get a little better. I'm just in a desperate state right now. I feel bad and hurt! I met my boyfriend from school, first love and all that. Five years later we got married, but not even a year had passed since we divorced, of course, and before that we either converged or diverged. But they were always together, because I can't live without him. As they say, it’s bad with him, but even worse without him. Explain why they got divorced. I was tired of his jealousy, eternal suspicions of what he did not do, distrust in one word. The last straw is when he went to work, and I was left alone, he always endured the brain, found out my location! In short, complete control, from which I went crazy and could not stand it, he always brought me to tears with his statements. I filed for divorce, and now we have not been together for a year and a half. But still, we met regularly, this nostalgia did not let me go, he ran after me, he always wanted to return everything, but I didn’t. But it seemed to me that two months ago I started living with a guy, and I told him about it - he didn’t call again. As a result, having lived with another, I just could not stand it, I realized what a fool I am and how I want everything back, how I need it, and I do not refer to nostalgia, no, this is really love that does not leave my head, heart. Now he is with another long time and I'm sure they'll be fine. After all, it was I who wanted an utter ideal, but he was still good, he wanted a family, he worked, he didn’t drink, the only negative was jealousy. But my opinion is that now, when it's too late, and I realized everything - it was possible to put up with jealousy, to endure something! Recently I saw him, told him everything, cried for a long time. He said that now he is not even considering my return. Damn, really everything came back to me like a boomerang. Then he suffered for me, and I lived with another, now I am. The only difference is that I realized that even now without a relationship, and he is with another, and I am more than sure that she will remain with her. He told me that I was dear to him, he loved me. But I think this is his nostalgic love, and he will never forgive me for leaving him, and another wound will heal him. I just don’t know what to do now, how to behave, I can’t concentrate on work, I’m always crying, I can’t continue to live in peace. And time does not heal me, other guys too - I was convinced of this. Maybe go somewhere, but it still won't help. I really do not know. I just get up and understand that I don’t see the point in everything, I have never felt so bad! On the one hand, I understand that now everything, period, it is necessary to close all contacts of communication, not to watch social media. networks, but I can’t let go of the past, it won’t be like this with anyone, I’ll never meet such a loving, understanding, faithful one, I won’t be able to love someone, I’ve already tried. So my heart feels bad ... No strength. Help me, thanks in advance!

The psychologist Yulia Vladimirovna Vasilyeva answers the question.

Hello Irina!

Answer yourself the question: “Why should I suffer for a person who controlled and did not trust me?” Can such a relationship have a future? If there is no trust, then there is no love. A person is jealous, first of all, from the fact that he is not confident in himself, not confident in his partner, therefore a “bunch” of problems is superimposed in family life that ultimately lead to divorce. Have you had experience of this kind of relationship, I'm sure that there were quite a few good times, but jealousy acted like poison, killing your best feelings for a man. Jealousy is unbearable. If a person agrees to this step, he allows his partner to disrespect himself and all the time to make excuses for what he is not guilty of. Does this lifestyle appeal to you? I do not find in such a relationship neither joy, nor happiness, nor love. Unfortunately, you are confusing emotional attachment with love. It arises from a lack of maturity and responsibility in a relationship. Your partner suffered the same attachment. His actions speak for themselves. Endless quarrels, showdowns, tantrums, showdowns indicate that people are not yet ready to build relationships, they are not yet ripe for this. It sometimes takes a long time to get rid of emotional attachment. In your case, you need a strong-willed decision to forbid yourself to think about a man and relationships with him. Let the past stay in the past. You are deeply mistaken that you will never meet a worthy person with whom you will be able to build a healthy relationship. The fact is that you hurried to "jump" from painful relationships to others, while, thus, striving to protect yourself and subconsciously take revenge on your former partner. Due to the fact that you experienced mental trauma, the new relationship did not save you, but, on the contrary, aggravated your state of mind, driving you into a corner. Result on the face. Therefore, until you firmly give up your painful thoughts about the past, from self-pity, from self-hatred, nothing will change. You need to work hard. The next step is to forgive yourself. Admit to yourself that you had negative experiences, made mistakes, and you forgive yourself and believe in your future. You have it! Thus, pulling yourself together, do some kind of creativity: music, singing, drawing, ballroom dancing, embroidery, etc. Creative activities will gently heal you and help boost your self-esteem. Strive to communicate with new and interesting people, attend trainings, lectures, theaters, concerts, studios. Start reading fiction books, you can gain valuable life experience in them. For example, the books "Jane Ayer" or "Polyanna", "The Alchemist", etc. For knowledge on how to wisely build a relationship with a man, refer to male psychology"Women are from Venus, men are from Mars" or watch a series of lectures, webinars or trainings on this topic. Load yourself interesting and important work and bad thoughts will stop bothering you. You will have to fight on your own, but you will win because you are a strong and reasonable girl. I think that you, on the contrary, best position now than were married and suffered from distrust of you. A new period of your life is opening before you, so it is important to prepare for it. Learn to respect and appreciate yourself and never again let anyone humiliate you with distrust!

Life was divided into parts - BEFORE and AFTER parting. BEFORE there was happiness and a sea of ​​feelings, AFTER - emptiness and unbearable pain. In the acute period of experiencing pain (normally lasts up to 2 weeks), try not to do ANYTHING. None of the important things that require energy return, attentiveness and involvement in the matter.

Do not start new projects at work, do not plan noisy holidays. This is a time of tears, regrets, self-pity. Give yourself 100% to your feelings.

Often relatives and friends are advised to quickly switch attention to new activity, new acquaintances, travel. Psychologists recommend the first time to be alone with yourself and give vent to feelings and emotions about what happened. Cry, resent your ex, hate him, sleep in his T-shirt at night, blame yourself, etc. - absolutely natural.

Do not drown out the negativity in yourself, no matter how unacceptable from your point of view it may seem. If you do not bring harm to others, then ANY expression and manifestation of feelings is normal and desirable.

After all, if feelings are not lived / expressed / not cried out, in the future they will make themselves felt. But only in other circumstances and with people who have nothing to do with your parting.

Make a decision

Now it’s worth thinking about the following: “The separation has happened. This is a given. No matter how much you cry, he won't come back. It is impossible to erase from memory. But you have to learn to live with it." The most important step to experiencing the loss of a loved one is your decision to let go. Let go of him and your past relationships. Often, after breaking up with a man, women behave as if they are still in a relationship. Store joint photos, letters, movie tickets. They do not make new acquaintances, do not change their habits and daily schedule.


In general, their way of life has not changed at all after the departure of the man. This means that in fact, the woman is not ready to let go of the ex. You can keep memories in the form of text messages, gifts and dreams of a happy future for some time, but in order to become happy alone or with someone else, you need to. Perhaps this is one of the most difficult decisions in your life, but it is a necessary condition.

Cross out

In the truest sense of the word. We erase the phone number. Correspondence in social networks. Delete photos of the former. We put gifts, postcards, forgotten clothes of the former in a box or bag (how lucky). We take it out of the house.

Do not leave the accumulated wealth at home, nothing should now remind you of it. Nothing and no one. If you had mutual friends and acquaintances, try not to touch on topics related to your ex-man.

Now it doesn’t matter to you how he is doing, where he went on vacation and whether he got another woman. In the case when other people themselves start such “friendly” conversations, say, for example: “I don’t want to talk about it. I'm in pain." Feel free to express your feelings. Everyone will understand the phrase "I'm in pain" and will not continue.

Try changing some habits. If you woke up in the morning at exactly 7 in order to prepare breakfast for your loved one, now you can sleep until 8 in the morning, then or!

And it's great! If every evening you sent an SMS with a wish " Goodnight, darling", then now you can say this to your mother, for example. Or sister. And the habit will change, and family relationships will improve.

We take care of ourselves

Taking care of yourself and devoting time to yourself should not only be in times of crisis, loss or separation. It's just that we often forget about ourselves, and it is precisely the periods of difficulties that become for us, women, an occasion to remember ourselves.

Make a new habit for yourself, the most important thing is to always take care of yourself. Think about what you wanted to do for a long time, but somehow didn’t work out, put it off until later.

Make a list and complete each item.
Let it be some trifle, but it is significant and important to you. Give yourself pleasure. If you have long wanted to, or become a vegetarian, then now is the time to start making changes.

How to let go of the person you love and believe in yourself?

Life is a series of meetings and partings. In relations between close people, everything is not always smooth: quarrels, strife and misunderstandings arise absolutely for everyone. Inevitably, partings also happen when people do not see the point in continuing a relationship that no one needs. But what if only your partner wants to leave, and you don’t know how to let go of the person you love?

Agony of love

First of all, you need to stop "cling" to it. Of course, it is difficult to talk about dignity and pride when the heart is torn from grief and you want to keep your loved one by any means.

But in this situation, it is important to understand and accept the fact that if a person has decided to leave, your wallowing at his feet will not stop him.

The only thing you will achieve is his contempt and pity, and this is the last thing you want. Is not it? Blackmail suicide is also not the best solution. Maybe you can force him to stay, but what price will you have to pay to be able to see him again?

He will begin to avoid you, will not look you in the eye, will try to spend as little time as possible at home and will reduce communication with you to solving everyday issues.

By prolonging the agony for a while, you will only wallow more in pain and frustration. Life can become simply unbearable and you will not be able to restrain yourself for a long time. You will again and again present your claims to your partner, show irritation. You will begin to show dissatisfaction with the cold attitude towards you, while not wanting to understand that you yourself are to blame for everything. Why?

Yes, because he was honest with you and offered to leave, and you, like an ostrich burying your head in the sand, did not want to understand that everything was over. Because you are the one who keeps grasping at straws and sticking together the broken cup of love.

Don't cling to the past

So, you have done everything you could to save the relationship, but there is no result. No one else and you yourself now have the right to reproach yourself for inaction, because you tried your best, but nothing came of it.

The beloved left anyway and now it is important to understand how to let go and forgive the person who hurt you, but with whom at the same time the most beautiful moments in life are connected. How to relieve this pain, which simply breaks the heart into pieces?

First of all, you must clearly answer yourself a few questions. Do you really love him or is it a wounded feeling speaking in you dignity? If you had thrown him first, would it have been easier?

In fact, many “abandoned people” argue this way, and it is clear that there is no question of any love here. Such people do not think about how to forget and let go of a person - this happens quite quickly and imperceptibly for the most abandoned partner.

How to check your feelings? It is enough to ask yourself a simple question, the answer to which will finally clarify the situation. He sounds in the following way: " If your loved one is to die tomorrow, do you agree to go to another world with him"? Do you disagree with this step? Then start living without it.

Let go, forgive and forget

How to let go of a loved one? If you need one last conversation, ask your loved one for the sake of your relationship to listen to you.

Tell him everything that "boiled", but only calmly, without tantrums and tears. Thank him for the happiness that he gave, wish him all the best.

This is the whole power of love, because when you love, you do it disinterestedly, without expecting anything in return! This means that you should also have enough love to make a person happy by letting him go, because this is exactly what he wants.

“Learn to let people out of your life, because they are not your property! ”- if you live by this principle, many problems will disappear on their own. You can't "buy" a person's love or make you love yourself. You need to learn this lesson and move on with your life.

The main thing is to help yourself to free yourself from these relationships. How to let a person out of his own thoughts? First of all, you need to occupy your thoughts with something else in order to stop thinking about the person who is no longer in your life.

It's hard to do, but nothing is impossible. Do not be alone, constantly be in the company, meet friends, walk more. If possible, buy a ticket and go on vacation. A change of scenery in such a situation will only benefit.

If there is no way to go somewhere, immerse yourself in work. Work overtime, substitute colleagues, make sure that after labor day you only had the strength to eat and fall into bed. Do something you haven't gotten your hands on before. This is a great way to get rid of love, especially if what you are about to do has never been to your partner's liking.

We shift the accents

Self love is big job. If you don't yet know how to accept your inner self, start transforming on the outside. Buy a gym or pool membership, sign up for a massage, change your haircut. You yourself will not notice how these changes will work for you, how your eyes will sparkle, and a smile will play on your lips.

Psychologists advise to divide a sheet of paper into two halves and write all the pluses from these relationships in one column, and all the minuses in the other. The result may surprise you and make you think: “why do I need such a relationship? »

Do not draw pictures in your imagination of how bad it will be for you without a loved one, it is better to draw a plot where you feel good, you are free and can do whatever you want.

flirt with unknown men wearing short skirts and high heels and let them know that they are ready for a new relationship.

Take to the trash or to the center of the poor all the things that remind you of your loved one. Do not listen to "your" music, do not go to "your" cafe. Nothing should remind you of the past.

How to let go of resentment towards a loved one? Convince yourself that the best is yet to come. Give yourself a chance to check it out. The past is behind you, and as long as you look back, you cannot move forward. Psychologists say that the one who often remembers the past ages faster, but do you need it?

What does it mean to let go of a loved one? This means becoming a self-sufficient person, happiness and good mood which do not depend on other people and the prevailing circumstances. You yourself have you, which will always be with you and will never betray. This is the most valuable thing that God gives us. Life is beautiful, and you will soon see it.

Forgetting a loved one is not easy, but it is possible. How to do this and what can interfere with this? What to do and what to avoid? There are many tips on this matter, the question of how to forget a loved one or how to survive a breakup is one of the most frequently asked questions on various psychological forums. However, a search for the queries “how to forget a man”, “how to forget a loved one”, “how to forget a girl” showed that there is no adequate answer to this question. There are various pseudo-psychological articles on this topic with useless advice, like: “just don’t think about him, everything will go away on its own” or “start new novel". Therefore, I decided to highlight this topic. I do not pretend that my reasoning covers the entire topic or is the ultimate truth, at the same time I hope that they will be useful to someone.

This article is aimed at people who find it difficult to forget the person with whom they were previously in a relationship. However, for those who are in love with an idol with whom there was no relationship, it may also be useful to read this article. I will make a reservation that when I say “forget”, I mean “let go, stop worrying”. I am convinced that "forget", i.e. Delete from memory, never remember, erase everything in yourself that can remind you of another person - this is not what you need to strive for. The other person has already become in some sense a part of you and to erase him from memory is to forget a part of yourself.

I'll get to the heart of the matter. Let's see what can prevent you from forgetting another person and what can be done about it. Conventionally, the reasons that prevent you from forgetting a loved one can be divided into three categories: emotional, cognitive (our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs) and behavioral.

What are the emotional reasons that prevent you from letting go of the old relationship?

1) Unexperienced emotions of grief, sadness about parting . There is no need to try to displace sadness, grief, pain, “not to feel”. These feelings must be experienced in order to complete the grief of loss, loss. And separation is a loss. Allow yourself to cry, allow yourself to grieve. No need to pretend strong woman" or " strong man' who have no feelings.

2) Unexpressed feelings of resentment, anger towards a person. Often after a breakup, mental dialogues are held with a former partner, grievances and claims are expressed. Write a letter to your ex-love: describe everything you are mad at her for. After you have written the letter, attribute three P.S. Sometimes in postscripts people write the most important things they would like to say. After - tear or burn the letter, you do not need to send it to the addressee.